Living Opposite Lives: Spouses on the Night Shift

Some businesses never sleep and some jobs have to be manned 24/7. Since that's the case, then there must be people to work those jobs. In an ideal world, only single, childless people would work the night shifts but of course that's not realistic. With one spouse working at night while the other works during the day, life can be more complicated, difficult and frustrating, not to mention lonely. My husband works the night shift while I stay at home to raise our daughter. We've been living opposite lives for almost three years now and during that time I've come up with some ways to make life a little easier. I'll share my tips with you on how we make it work.

Tip #1: Let your spouse sleep. Obvious, right? Easier said than done, though. I know how it feels to miss a spouse even though they're just a few feet away, and how tempting it is to want to wake him up. While you may not personally wake him/her up during the day, many of your daily activities might. If you've never done it before, sleeping during the day is hard, much harder than sleeping at night for some reason (I know, I've worked the night shift too). Ringing phones, running showers, clanging pots, barking dogs, whirring vacuums and playing children are just a few of the hundreds of noises us day people have learned to tune out, but for your sleeping spouse, they are sleep killers. It's not always practical or possible to eliminate daily noises, but do the best you can. Your spouse will sleep much better and will therefore be much happier.

Tip #2: Don't expect them to flip-flop to a day schedule on their days off. Some night workers can go back and forth without a problem but most can't. It's better for them to stay on their night schedule on their days off, just like it's better for night sleepers to get up at the same time every day. It maintains your circadian rhythm and improves sleep overall. I know it doesn't seem fair that you don't get to spend much time with your spouse on his/her day off but it's in their heath's best interest.

Tip #3: Compromise on a wake-up time on work days. My husband would sleep until five minutes before he needs to be at work if he could. While he needs to sleep, just like your spouse, he needs to spend time with his wife and daughter, just like your spouse needs to spend time with you and your children. Our solution? He gets to sleep 8 hours from the time we say "goodnight," as long as there are 8 hours available. He's a paramedic so he doesn't always get home at the same time every day which means there isn't always 8 hours between the time he gets home and the time he needs to get up for work. But if he's in bed by 8am, he has to get up at 4pm to spend time with us. I think it's a good compromise: heck, I don't get 8 hours of sleep a night!

Tip #3.5: Compromise on a wake-up time on days off. My husband would love to sleep from the time he came home until the next morning on his days off if he could, but that doesn't fly with me and our daughter. To maximize the amount of time my husband spends with us, we've agreed that he can sleep for 6 after he comes home if he doesn't have to work that night. Thankfully my husband is one of those night workers that can flip-flop so he'll get plenty of sleep that night which makes 6 hours after work a good compromise.

Tip #4: Make a point of eating dinner as a family every night! This is critical. Of course all families should eat dinner together every night, but it's even more important for night working families. Dinner might be the only time you and your children get to spend with your spouse each day. This means you have to have dinner ready to go as soon as your spouse wakes up. I've learned to save my complicated dinners for his nights off, that way if something takes longer than expected, he doesn't miss out on dinner. A great alternative to family dinner before work is family breakfast after work.

Tip #5: Don't stay up too late with your spouse. It's tempting, isn't it? You figure the only way to spend time with your spouse is to stay up late, but if you do, you'll pay for it the next day. If you work full-time, you'll definitely pay for it the next day. Stay-at-home parents might be able to sneak in a nap when the kid(s) nap, but that's not a guarantee either.

Tip #5.5: Don't keep your kids up late to spend time with your spouse. Again, it's tempting but you know as well as I do that most kids don't do well with changes in routine. And you know as well as I do that tired kids are no fun and you'll pay for your decision that night and the next day.

It's never easy to have a night-working spouse and live your lives on opposite schedules. It can feel like you never see him/her, but you can make it work if you plan and are you're both willing to compromise.