Living a Polyamory or Polyamorous Lifestyle

In the United States, the concept of marriage, one man/one woman, has been the 'norm' for as long as our history has been written. Anything alternative to that tradition is looked at with scrutiny from those who believe in the societal norm. Included in the alternative relationship category are: gay and lesbian relationships, bigamy, polygamy, and the newest term: Polyamory.

Unlike polygamy, which is defined to mean many marriages, the term polyamory means many loves, and may include a marriage-like situation, or simply refer to an open relationship in which the partners are free to date, live with, marry or otherwise be romantically involved with more than just one person.

For some people, the idea or concept of polyamory, that a person could actually be in love with more than one person at the same time, seems foreign, but polyamory is more common than most realize, even if not practiced. The majority of people do not act upon those feelings out of respect for their partner, but polyamory is really about the love itself.

Sometimes, a man or a woman can be dating more than one person at a time, when one of those dates asks for an exclusive relationship. Traditionally, the option available would be to choose between the two potential partners.

Perhaps a spouse meets someone at work who they spend a lot of time with and those blossoming feelings of attraction and new romance are strong and evident. Typically, in a traditional relationship, that person would have to choose to cheat on their spouse, leave their spouse for the new relationship, or ignore the new relationship and suppress those feelings.

But what if that didn't have to happen? What if these folks were able to have more than one relationship, without cheating, with complete and open communication and acceptance, and be able to share being in love with more than one person at a time?

That is, essentially, what polyamory allows.

Let's use the example of Jack, Joe and Jill (*fictitious names, but true story), who are currently in a polyamorous relationship, to explain how one polyamorous relationship came to pass.

Jack and Jill met, dated, fell in love, and then eventually married. Joe was Jack's best friend, best man at his wedding, and he was very much a part of Jack's life, and was very happy for Jack and Jill. The three of them did everything together, which made Jack very happy to know his new wife was so accepting of his lifelong best friend. So many of his buddies had lost their friends when they married, and he was glad that wasn't the case with his friend and his wife.

After months of them all doing things together and Jill and Joe getting to know each other, Joe became as much a part of their family as anyone could have been. Jack had to travel some for business, so when he was out of town, he asked his good buddy Joe to keep an eye on Jill and maybe take her out to dinner and make sure she didn't need anything. Jill and Joe had also become the best of friends, and Jack and Jill's marriage was stronger than ever.

One weekend, Jack and Joe went out of town on a trip together, just the two of them, to do some 'guy' things. The first night of their mini-vacation, they went to a club and both had a little bit to drink, and when Joe had had a bit too much, he confessed to Jack that he was in love with Jill, and how ashamed he was to admit this to his friend.

Jack's initial reaction was typical for the traditional husband - he was angry, shocked, perhaps hurt even. The first question he asked Joe was whether or not he had made a move on his wife. Joe swore he'd not done anything untoward, just that he had feelings for her after all the time they had shared together, and that he understood why Jack loved her so very much.

Once Joe knew Jack wasn't going to smash his face in, he settled down and the two of them talked about the situation. At first, Jack was worried, because he'd grown to love having Joe around and how much fun the three of them had together. He was afraid this would change everything, and not for the better.

Then Jack started thinking about how happy Jill seemed when she joked around with Joe and how comfortable the two of them were together. He realized he'd never seen his best friend Joe so happy when spending time with a woman either. He thought of all the laughter and love that the two of them brought into his life over the years, and he realized he didn't want that to change. He also figured, as close and similar as he and Joe were, it stood to reason that they would both fall in love with the same type of women, it just so happened that it ended up being the exact same women.

After much thought, Jack approached Joe and asked him a question that surprised Joe: "Do you want to date my wife?"

Joe stuttered and stammered, not knowing what the right answer to that question should be and afraid to say the wrong thing, lest this be a test of his loyalty to his friend. Once Jack explained himself though, Joe was still unsure, but he began to think about the possibility of a unique relationship with Jill that he never thought would be possible.

So Jack approached Jill and explained what had happened and how Joe had confessed his feelings, and then he asked Jill how she felt about Joe. Her honest answer was that she cared for him very much, and he brightened her life as much as he had Jack's over the years. Jack then asked, "Could you love him? I mean, be in love with him?"

Jill's instinctive reaction was, "No, I love you... you're my husband."

But after much talk about the situation, the three of them came to an agreement, Joe confessed his feelings for Jill, and Jack let the two of them talk through the situation on their own. Eventually, Jill admitted that if she allowed herself to explore it, had she not been married to Jack, she could have easily fallen for Joe. So with Jack's permission, Joe and Jill were allowed to explore their feelings for each other.

This is how Jill ended up with a husband and a boyfriend, and yet, she is not cheating on either of them, and polyamory allows for her to experience the love from them both.

Of course, there are some difficulties to be figured out in any relationship, and polyamory or polyamorous relationships have some unique issues, such as who sleeps with whom and when, where everyone lives, how much time is spent with each person. However, most people in a polyamorous relationship will agree that when there is love, open communication, honesty and a willingness to make it work, these things are just minor details that are common to just about any relationship.

Today, Jack, Jill and Joe all three live together in happiness and love, and Joe has asked Jill to marry him too. Though they may not be able to have a legal marriage, there's nothing to stop them from having a ceremony to commit their love to one another. But we'll leave the personal details of their inner workings of the relationship to themselves, where those personal details belong.

Now, this isn't to say that all polyamorous relationships will work out quite the way this one did. There are problems that are unique to polyamorous relationships, and jealousy is definitely right up there on the top of the list. But when I asked Jack if he's jealous of the time Joe spends with his wife, he answered, "I love my wife. When I see her happy, when I see her eyes light up and sparkle with laughter, it makes me happy. It just doesn't matter to me how that happiness comes to her, as long as I can see it in her eyes. I kind of like seeing Joe this happy too. It's really win/win for us all."

When you really love someone, really want the best for them, seeing them happy, even if it is with someone else, can still be a beautiful thing to some people. Again, not everyone is wired this way - some people are hardcore wired for monogamy. However, polyamory is not actually cheating; it's just simply monogamy multiplied.

Polyarmory and polyamorous relationships for some people are as natural as breathing. The concept of monogamy, one man/one woman relationships is a societal invention in America, and not a natural tendency of human nature. Polyamory is quite common, even if it is never acted upon, and polyamorous relationships are becoming more commonplace, though they are still not understood by those geared toward traditional stereotypes for love and marriage.

If you still don't think it's possible to love more than one person at the same time, think of a situation where a spouse has passed away, and the surviving spouse remarries. When the surviving spouse remarries, he or she does not just stop loving their deceased spouse, nor would the new spouse expect them to do so. It is possible to be in love with more than one person at a time, without the love given to that person being diminished in any way.

While the concept of loving more than one person at a time is not traditional, it does happen. Polyamory is one way of allowing that love to grow and flourish, with whomever one can share that love, even if it doesn't 'look' like what we've been raised to accept.

Just 20 or 30 years ago, a man and a woman living together without being married was frowned upon as going against the establishment. Forty to fifty years ago, it was all but unheard of or scandalous if it happened, but today, couples living together without being married is quite commonplace. Polyamory is no different in that it doesn't fit the traditional norm, but it is becoming more common, and more accepted by society as a whole, even if not everyone understands it.

Love multiplied. Friendship multiplied. Sex and intimacy multiplied. Companionship multiplied. Monogamy multiplied.

When you think about it that way, polyamory starts to sound pretty good.