Living with Regrets

"No regrets," I hear people say that all the time. Michael Earley said "Live life with no regrets." It's the easiest thing in the world to say, but the hardest thing to do. I regret every rash decision I've made out of fear. I regret every impulsive thing I've ever said to hurt someone. I regret ending a relationship because I was so scared to get close to another person again.

The people who live life with no regrets aren't people like me. They're the kind of people who know what they're feeling and thinking all the time. They're people who aren't scared of love. They're people who are strong enough to learn from the past and ready to move on to a brighter future. I carry my past with me. It acts as a crutch of excuses. When I'm standing on the sidelines of a relationship, it's so easy for me to see why I do the things that I do. I pull away because I don't want to be trapped or manipulated. I act indifferent; because I'm scared to need another person. I burn the bridge, because in my mind, I don't believe another person can really love me for who I am.

I do a lot of soul searching; but I might as well be outside counting blades of grass for all the good it's done me. I understand myself to an extent when I'm on the sidelines of a relationship, or when I'm out of the game completely. Everything changes when I'm with someone; rather, when I was with him. He was the man I could see myself marrying. I can still see myself marrying him.

Before we started dating I warned him about me. I explained to him that, I am like the Smithsonian. In the museum, they have standard security defenses all throughout the museum. In certain parts of the museum, they have extra security, for very important exhibits. Being in a relationship with me is sort of like trying to get passed the laser alarms you see in the movies. He got too close to the important exhibit and my laser beams went off in the form of me turning into a raving maniac over a stupid political argument. And then the museum shut down completely for months. I didn't feel anything for months. It's impossible for a person to go on forever not feeling anything, so after a while I started to soften up again. It was then that I realized the mistake that I had made. I regret the things I didn't see back then. I was pulling away from a person I could share anything and everything with. The one man in the world that made me feel comfortable being myself, cared for, and protected. On top of all that, I've never had more fun with a man in my life.

So what's a girl to do? I wanted to reform my ways. I wanted to change so that I could be the woman that he deserved. He's a stronger person than me, and by that time he had moved on. It's hard to wait for a person like me. Perhaps it's an idealistic hope, but after what I put him through, I'm waiting for him; even though he may never come. I think I owe him at least that, because now I see, that he did love me for who I am. And I do love him for who he is. I promise myself to never let pride or fear get in the way of love again. I may not be able to relate to Michael Earley's "no regrets," but I think I can live by the wise words of John Lennon "All you need is love." If that's true, and I think it is, then I will sacrifice all my defenses.