Living with a Relative's Suicide

Death in any form is tragic. It's something one does not like to think about but is inevitable. And when a loved one takes their own life the surviving family is left to deal with the guilt, hurt and shame associated with the suicide. According to www.bereavedparentsusa.org, suicide is the eighth leading cause of death in the United States among the ages of 15 and 34. While this sad statistic is of very little comfort to those dealing with this issue, outside of time, there are ways of beginning the healing process.

The Signs Weren't There

A person who has decided to commit suicide will have some marked changes in their behavior, but the changes will be hidden. They could be a little more quiet than usual, or joke a little more. It is very difficult to pinpoint. I know because I had someone very close to me commit suicide. My best friend, which was my brother. I thought my brother was so strong, I thought he could bounce back from anything; he always did. But during this time, I had seperated from my husband and was dealing with that, and didn't realize the depths of depression my brother had sunk. It's been eight years and looking back on it now, I do remember him being somber. He wasn't his smiling happy and jovial self. In my mind, I dismissed it thinking that perhaps he was doing it for my benefit because of what my husband and I were going through.

I won't go into all the sordid details here, but my family and I have an anniversary reminder that we will never forget. My brother went on life support on New Year's eve and died on New Year's day. He had no children so that hurts too, because there are no reminders of him left, only memories.

Letting Go of the Guilt and Shame

The family member that has decided that he or she will take their life has made a decision with a mind that is not well. They don't think clearly about the one's left behind to deal with the ramifications and hurt that will last a lifetime. When people ask how many brothers or sisters I have, I tell them. I didn't use to because I was ashamed of the fact that my brother killed himself. It would have been easier to explain that he was at the ATM and was robbed and shot. There is shame behind a suicide; what is wrong with your family?

You carry "What if I had done this, or what if I had been there?" around for what seems like an eternity. The guilt never goes away, except to gnaw away at you--if you let it. Surviving family members need to know that the path their loved one chose for their life is no fault of their own. It is possible to have peace and fond memories just as if your loved one died of natural causes. One just need to come to terms with the death on their own. Letting go of the guilt is easier said than done, but it can be done. With a good support group and a faith of your own understanding, this too shall pass.

Sources

Ellen Gerst, "How to Resolve the Guilt of the Suicide Survivor" (Assessed 08/30/2010)