Living with the Results of a Head Injury; Part 2 - Life as it Happened

Life was very hard for me. My problem solving skills were very poor. Every time a problem would come up; my mind would automatically go to a place where I would think about suicide. It didn't matter how big or small the problem was, I would just always start thinking about ways of killing myself.

Now, it's hard enough just to try to grow up and develop some type of a life. Without the problem solving skills, I was lost; floundering into the abyss of taking whatever life sends my way without a real plan to get somewhere.

Growing up, I was very sensitive and would get my feelings hurt easily. I would always take things too personally and I was kind of paranoid about things. For a long time, I thought that nobody liked me. I guess a big part of that was because I didn't like myself. I mean, if I couldn't like myself; why on Earth would anybody else like me? At least, that was my thinking. Not very rational, I know. But, remember; I have a brain injury. I guess my brain functions differently.

Now, I am 38 years old. I have learned that I have to take medication to help me with my depression; which I still deal with today.

When I was in high school, after the 10th grade I decided that I wasn't going back. So, as a result of this; there was a big meeting setup with counselors, teachers, and my parents.

They presented me with the option of going to night school for the last two years of high school; which I did. During that time I got to work at a gym and get school credit for doing that. I also got to workout every day that I worked. So, I got to develop my body a little bit.

After I graduated from high school, I automatically went to a community college. I didn't know what the heck I was doing there; but, I continued to take classes. I liked college a lot better than high school because in college everybody; actually, wanted to be there.

It was in college that I discovered that I was good at creative writing but, I didn't really see it as a viable or realistic career path. So, as I was going to college, I also got a job in a grocery store.

I worked and I went to school full time. Holding a full time job and going to college at the same time, is not easy; let me tell you. After a couple of years in college, I grew very dissatisfied because I wasn't going anywhere. I knew that I wanted to graduate from college with something; anything really. I talked to a counselor at the school and planned out what I needed to take in order to graduate.

So, I had followed the plan and I eventually graduated from college with an Associates degree in Arts & Sciences; which really didn't mean diddly to me but, I did graduate. So, I felt good about that. I got a two year degree from college but, it took me three and a half years to do it and I couldn't use it for anything. So, in a way; I guess college was a way to put off living life. Also, I did discover that I was good at writing, which I sort of already knew from my experiences writing when I was younger.

I did somehow manage to make some friends in college; though, not many. I'm not a social animal, I guess. And the friends that I did make, I am no longer in contact with today.

I had a hard time socially. I liked girls a lot but the only time that I ever got to talk to girls was when I went to strip clubs and that costs money; a lot of money. Now, I wasn't rich by any means. Besides, the girls at strip clubs are just there to make money, really. I know that this all seems a bit dysfunctional; going to strip clubs to meet girls and all but, I guess it was one of the ways that I learned to be social.

To this day, I don't have friends that I go hang out with; probably mostly because I'm so busy working on myself that I just don't have time. It also might have something to do with the fact that I don't have a good memory.

When I meet people, their name only stays in my head for about five seconds; if I don't have something to associate with them. This is also one of the reasons that I'm socially inept. Being able to recall names, memories, or whatever is totally amiss with me when I'm uncomfortable.
When I'm uncomfortable, everything seems to slip my mind. In a way, I become like a baby; looking at the world in awe.