Living with a Spouse with ADHD

Living with an ADHD spouse can be taxing at times, incredibly enjoyable at others. I've compiled a short list of tips and tricks to make life easier on a day to day basis, each gathered from my own personal experience. ADHD traits add a unique dynamic to the home environment. They can be both amazing and frustrating. Here's how to cope.

1. Focus on the Positive

Is your spouse a terrific dad? Does she cook wonderful meals, or have an incredible sense of humor? Often, ADHD traits are mislabeled as symptoms, when they are strengths to be enjoyed. Creativity, spontaneity, and good nature are traits found in most ADHD spouses, and make every day a wonderful adventure.

2. Communication is Key

Communication is important in any relationship, but in a marriage in which one partner has ADHD, it's vital. Frequent, concise communication cannot be emphasized enough. This is not the same as repeating yourself. Find a communication mode that works for you and your partner. Does he or she seem oblivious to notes on the kitchen counter, but check email religiously? Consider emailing your requests.

3. Ask for what you want

People with ADHD are often extremely literal. This means that your spouse will not understand hints, thinly veiled sarcasm, or other forms of passive aggressive behavior. You'll be annoyed, and he will simply miss the point completely. As difficult as it may seem, simple requests are often necessary, even when you feel you shouldn't have to ask. So, grit your teeth and lets practice a little constructive re-wording.

Original: "Well, it would have been nice of SOMEONE to take out the trash today!"
ADHD Reword: "Will you please take out the trash now?" I find in my home, the addition of "now" is imperative. Otherwise, the designated task is mentally filed, and quickly forgotten. "Now" adds urgency, bumping the task up on the mental priority list

4. Put it in writing

ADHD has been compared to listening to a radio that is constantly changing stations. Just as your partner focuses on one idea, another is jumping in and vying for attention. Respect her unique needs, and write down that list of to -do's. Then later, when she needs the information, it will be easy to find. A family calendar, message boards, and menu plans all are concrete ways to keep needed information handy, where it can be quickly referenced when needed.

5. Keep Your Sense of Humor

Without a sense of humor, you're lost before you even begin. Marriage isn't a 50-50 deal, contrary to popular belief. Both partners have to give their all - 100, sometimes even 150 percent. You WILL have days when you feel like you've given as much as you can. Try to find something, anything to laugh about. Take five minutes and read the funnies. Try to find humor in the comic strip that's going on in your own home. You need to laugh, so that you don't cry!