Living Together Before Marriage

When you're in a wonderful relationship, the idea of sharing a home makes sense. After all, you're always at his/her place, or vice versa. You always leave your make up bag there anyway, or even your work shoes. The number of couples who live together without being married has been dramatically increasing lately. Experts say that this trend has tendencies to lead to divorce, but others argue that it's a wonderful way to begin a relationship leading to marriage.

To a couple, it may seem as a responsible decision to live together before taking the huge leap to the world of marriage. It makes complete sense in that both individuals share one unit. Both individuals learn to accept each other and the personal differences that both bring to the relationship. Both partners learn what the other prefers and what they hate. Both partners can observes each other's habitats and lifestyles. Maybe the female is a corporate business woman, and the male is a couch potato who prefers to frequent strip clubs on a daily basis. (Details as minor as this can plant the seed for divorce.) The couple learns how to cope in times of stress and take care of financial responsibilities. One of the best things for couples who are not yet married is that they still retain their individual freedom, and nothing is written in blood, in stone, or in any other medium which would indicate a permanent union.

There is a good amount of evidence, however, that co-habitation is a very bad idea. Virtually all studies show that living together before marriage seems to increase the risk of divorcing. More research indicates that these couples report higher instances of sexual and physical abuse, and lower level of happiness, sexual satisfaction, and sexual exclusivity. After 5-7 years, many couples that began living together are still doing just that. People become comfortable with one another, but this isn't always a positive thing. Being comfortable could be confused with being in love. Being comfortable in a stale relationship that hasn't evolved means that it would be too difficult to leave the other person, retract your furniture from their apartment, take your name off the lease, separate all things that are his and hers. Comfortable in this case just means you have given up. Maybe one man in the relationship enjoys the fact that the woman pays for most of the bills, and he is allowed to do whatever he wants, even if it annoys her. Or, in another scenario, the female stays with the man because she feels she doesn't have skills to offer to the world and that he helps her financially...so she feel loyal to him because he keeps her afloat. These are poor reasons to stay in a relationship where both individuals are living together. In a new recent study, one of the top ten reasons why men said they are reluctant to get married is because they can simply live with a woman, and enjoy all the benefits. Also, forty-one percent of all co-habitating couples have a child that is brought into the home. The problem is that the parents in this living together situation separate at a higher rate than married families. This kind of relationship can put unnecessary strain and confusion on the child. Researchers who find this evidence suggest that it's better to get engaged first and then move in together, both at an appropriate time, because being engaged means both parties were consenting of the idea, and felt comfortable with it...which would pave way for a compatible relationship.

To test your relationship and see if it's ready for a life change...which would be moving in together, it would be best to ask yourself these questions:

What is your level of commitment? Are you living with another person just for the convenience, fun, and sex? Is one person testing the waters, while the other person thinks that moving in together is part of an equation for marriage? Before moving in together, ask each other questions concerning your dreams, goals, and aspirations in life. Moving in together can be relatively easy at first. Canceling the rent of one apartment to share the living space with your significant other is just a matter of moving your personal items to his/her house. Whether the "M" word is mentioned or not, moving in together is a step toward discussing marriage. Do both parties involved know this? If so, how do they feel about it? If you enter a relationship with hearts in your eyes, you're being blinded by lust, and not reality. Make sure to recognize this as you consider your level of commitment. Are you still in that immature stage of puppy love? Are you moving in because of strong attraction? Do these reasons for moving in together have any root...or are they just ideas that are floating in outer space? Be realistic about your level of commitment, and what you expect from the relationship.

You should also ask yourself if you are willing to compromise, and ask your significant other. In the beginning, your partner may seem like a dream come true. You probably brag about him/her to everyone you know about, and make them out to be this perfect person. But in reality, this 'perfect' person is going to show his true face while you are living together, and you'll find out how 'perfect' he/she really is! Maybe he leaves the toilet seat up ALL THE TIME, or she leaves the sink full of cosmetic items. Maybe he likes to surf for pornography on the internet, or she HAS to go out Friday night with the "girls". Are both parties willing to work around these things? Are any limits going to be set? Ignoring details such as this can cause disastrous results when living together. Feeling of betrayal, confusion, and anger may rise to the surface. Find a way to compromise. Find a grey area when all you're seeing is black and white. Anything tiny that you may have thought was cute at one time is guaranteed to be a huge annoyance later on in the relationship. You have to recognize these things, make a mental note of them, and if they start to cause a little chaos in the relationship, discuss them in a calm manner with your significant other. Find a middle ground. If no one is willing to compromise...if the male partner absolutely has to have his pornography collection, and the female partner hates anything that has to do with portraying a female anything less than educated and strong, this is grounds for a dismissal, and will not function in a marriage. Problems like this have a high chance of causing a divorce in the future.

Something important that most couples oversee is finding out when, where, and how the moving process is going to take place. Is he moving into her place? Is she moving into his? Allow for the person bringing things in from their former home to make a place for them. If the guy has a bass, amplifier and other music-related things that he enjoys, make room for them. If the female is a student and prefers to have an office-type space to study, find a place in the home for this new change. Plan decorating together, buy things together, and make it a home you can call "our home" instead of just "my home."

Most couples completely ignore the subject of finances. Dealings with money can be enough hassle for one person...imagine adding another person's financial strain to this delicate subject. This is the issue that most couples argue about. If one person is trying to save money, and the other person is very good at spending it, this is a big, red warning flag in a relationship. Make a plan to divide who pays what in the relationship. How much does each individual make? Who is going to pay the mortgage? Do you want separate or joint bank accounts? Make a budget. A budget is extremely important for making sure that you don't spend more than you make. If there is more than one credit card between the two of you, destroy the extra ones. Credit cards cause problems in relationships because they are practically limitless. The damage they could cause to you as an individual or as a couple is also limitless.

Living together will never have a foolproof equation to ensure a perfect balance. It's important for everything to be clearly acknowledged. Most importantly, choose your battles wisely. Don't argue about something as trivial as your significant other leaving a dirty sock in the tub. Whether you move in together or not, talking about everything that constantly bothers, deeply annoys, and worries you will provide a healthy, honest relationship. When you learn to build compatibility and not just move in together to "test" it, when you learn exactly what the other person wants and expects while coming to a comprise, then these things may eventually lead to a life-long commitment. Even if it doesn't, you'll still learn valuable lessons about you, relationships, and your life along the way.