Living Together Before Marriage: It's a Matter of Choice, Not Sin

Cohabitation receives a lot of negative press. The media seems to have focused on the distorted view of research pushed by the National Marriage Project. Apparently, my beloved and I will be getting into physical fights, cheat, be less committed to each other, deeply unhappy and, if we had children, they would be abused because we are living together outside marriage. If we do get married, our marriage will be weak and destined to break up due to prior cohabitation.

According to David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, who published a report on cohabitation for Rutgers University, "The reasons for a negative 'cohabitation effect' are not fully understood. One may be that while marriages are held together largely by a strong ethic of commitment, cohabiting relationships by their very nature tend to undercut this ethic." By their very nature? I'm rather suspicious of the agendas of Mr. Popenoe, who heads the conservative and misleading National Marriage Project, and Dr. Whitehead, who published an article entitled, "Dan Quayle was Right". The National Marriage Project seriously misrepresents research on alternatives to marriage and relationships prior to marriage.

Commitment has more to do with the mindsets of the people involved, rather than living arrangements. Being capable of resolving issues and arguments in a healthy way indicates a long lasting relationship, not a legal or religious document. Most people do not take moving in together very lightly. Even in New York City, where the economic and real estate disparity tends to speed up merging lives, denizens still tend to think long and hard about making this commitment.

Personally, I never envisioned myself married, let alone living with a partner. I was comfortable with the notion of growing old with my dog, having loving relationships, but still being on my own, fiercely independent. I didn't feel the absolute need for a husband or boyfriend, regardless of what people - or news reports - around me thought best.

Well, guess what? At 26, I am in a healthy, committed relationship. And we live together. Call me crazy, call it dumb luck, but I found my match. This is it - for both of us. We've made it quite clear to each other that we have a strong commitment. We make compromises for each other, without sacrificing who we are as individuals. We're on the same page in regards to religion, children, marriage, finances. I know this because we talk about these issues. Nothing is sacred. The insignificant differences will never cause a huge rift simply because we discuss them and work it out.

As my good friend Justin, 27, happily married with two children and past cohabitater, said, "If you are living with someone, you are exposed to all their dirty laundry. You meet their annoying friends, evil family members, smell their bad breath. You can't conceal diarrhea. You are tested in every way." If you're seriously committed, you'll find a way to accept what you cannot change. Without divorce lawyers.

Honesty is the key to any healthy relationship. If you are unable to tell your partner that you expect marriage to be the goal of the relationship, don't move in together or you're likely to be disappointed. Maybe you're not looking for marriage. Perhaps you've decided to go against tradition, just make that clear to your prospective roomie.

Valerie, 23, once lived with a boyfriend and has decided against cohabitation. "I don't think of this as a moral issue," she says. "But when I was twenty one, moving in with my thirty-year-old unemployed musician boyfriend was a bad idea." She reiterates the point of communication. "The main problem is that we didn't want the same things."

Prenuptial cohabitation would be a better fit for Valerie. "If [living together] is to be done as a lead in to marriage, then personally, I want a ring. I want a date. I want plans, because I will not have another lazy non-committal man about my house." She thinks "for a lot of people [cohabitation] is a very easy way to avoid commitment and a lot of women do it thinking there will be a wedding and never getting it, or feeling like they have to nag to get it." However, Valerie does not rule out cohabitation. "If two people are of similar mind, and really do not want to get married, but want to share a space, good for them."

Another vote against cohabitation, Maria, 26, feels living together before marriage is not the right choice for her due to religious convictions. "To me, marriage is a covenant between you, the other person, and God. It's the most serious commitment one can make in their lifetime." Maria does not feel comfortable living with a boyfriend before marriage "but on the other hand, I don't think I would have a problem moving in if we were engaged with a date set for the wedding." She hasn't discussed cohabitation with her boyfriend yet and says, "I think if he really cares for me and wants a future with me he'll respect my choice."

Justin believes cohabitation is an absolute necessity. "Just thinking it will all work out is a recipe for disaster. Marriage is cohabitation with a government [or] church seal of approval. The actual process of marriage is simply applying for a license, making your way through a ceremony, perhaps planning an event, and signing your name on a sheet of paper. Marriages aren't held together by vows or by signatures on public documents. Marriages are held together by people."

One former couple, Will, 31, and Lauren, 33, dated for years, never cohabitated, and eventually became engaged. While planning the wedding, they decided to move in together. Her sister, Jen, 28, explains, "Fights erupted over everything. Where to put his stuff, who pays the bills. They broke off their engagement and suffered considerable embarrassment because they did things backwards." Jen believes they could have side stepped this most horrible of heartbreaks. "They should have lived together first to find out if they truly were compatible."

According to The National Marriage Project, so-called evidence shows that "people who cohabitate have other characteristics that both lead to cohabitation. . . and make them poor marriage material." Not so subtle stab at freedom of choice. I guess this means my two brothers, my sister, various cousins, dozens of friends, and a few co-workers are all headed for divorce. Heathens cannot possibly make proper commitments.

Misconstrued research also claims emotional well being to be low among couples living together due to anxiety about the relationship eventually ending. If there's no trust in the relationship before marriage, the official union might not quell fears either. Marriage is not a fix for troubled partnerships. Unmarried.org puts the view of marriage being the only path to fulfillment in perspective. "If we found that people without children tended to be happier, healthier than those with children, would we institute government programs to discourage people from having children?"

Anti-cohabitation laws are, unbelievably, being enforced. In 2004, Debora Lynn Hobbs was fired as an emergency dispatcher in North Carolina after the sheriff found out she lived with her boyfriend. She was ordered to either get married, move out, or lose her job. North Carolina courts ruled this law unconstitutional in July 2006, however unmarried heterosexual couples living together are still considered criminals in Florida, Virginia, West Virginia, North Dakota and Michigan. Remaining anti-cohabitation laws should not survive much longer, thanks to the fight led by the ACLU.

Generations have now grown up in a culture of divorce. Of course we're going to be cautious about marriage. There are studies that show children with divorced parents are more likely to get divorced. Does this mean marriage should be ruled out for those individuals? They couldn't possibly cultivate functional healthy relationships, so why bother? Even if cohabitating couples break up at higher rates than marriages, this is not necessarily a negative. Quite possibly, if these couples had married they would have broken up anyway.

Ultimately, living with a significant other is a deeply personal decision. Do not rely on self-determined experts with their own agendas to sway what is best for your situation.

Sources:
http://marriage.rutgers.edu/publications/swlt2%20text.htm
http://www.unmarried.org
http://cohabitation.blogspot.com
http://www.newsobserver.com/102/story/462464.html
http://www.unmarriedamerica.org
http://www.aclu.org