Local Real Estate Mogul Not, in Fact, Next Casanova

Residents of Blanchefield, Illinois were shocked and astounded Tuesday when they learned that local real estate mogul Charles Carson is not, in fact, the next Casanova.

"I personally consider this a personal shock and a tragedy," said Jane Winkleburg, a long-time Carson admirer, "I never saw this coming, and I feel betrayed."

Rumors of Carson's lack of sex appeal have been circulating for years, with many critics wondering how he ever got married at all, let alone to very attractive women, including his latest model-turned-housewife, Portia. Carson's total lack of romantic and social skills were confirmed today, when Ellen Turnabout announced at a meeting,

"His wives only married him for the money."

Turnabout's comment was followed by name calling, including "Liar," "Captain Obvious," and "Commandant Dumbass."

"Looks like it's Obvious Day at Camp Stupid," said George Reame, Turnabout's long-time co-worker, "is this even news? Why are you interviewing me about this?"

Carson's disgusting traits were arguably always blatantly obvious. On many occasions he was publicly rude to wait staff, retail associates, and taxi cab drivers. His hair and clothing is brazenly akin to the styles of the 1970's, showing his complete lack of care regarding what others think of him. And Carson has irritated many colleagues and would-be friends in the past with his self-importance.

"I mean come on," Reame stated, "the guy was always an arrogant buffoon. There is no way this guy could get any woman to marry him without a lot of money. I mean, if he was even just moderately successful, I still don't think anyone would have wanted him. It's a good thing he's worth well into the billions."

Confusion over Carson's actual profession has also been widespread among citizens of Blanchefield. Since 2004, Carson has become less involved in real estate and more involved in public events. Last fall, he spent four months planning a parade in his honor after winning a local golf tournament. Some think that Carson is still primarily involved in real estate investments, while others think that he has officially changed his title to something along the lines of Professional Publicity Stuntman.

"Is there a word for someone who exploits those less fortunate for money? Because I'd say that's his professional title," commented Barbara Handler.

"I heard he's going to make his own reality TV show about his life," said Trisha Arbuckle, "who wants to watch some rich asshole tailgating me all day?"

In a recent poll, 98.4% of Blanchefield women surveyed stated that they would never associate with Carson, no matter how much money he had. The remaining 1.6% stated that despite Carson's hair, skin, conversational inabilities, and complete lack of interpersonal skills, they would still probably date him if they had the chance.

"Sure, here's a guy with no style, class, or even emotions," stated Tori Chapman, local beer spokesmodel, "the guy's a total robot. But I wouldn't mind never having to work again. You're not going to print this are you? Because I don't want him to know I said that. Just in case he's single again."