Long Distance Relationship - My Personal Tips

Long distance relationships are not something anyone aspires to have, but for a variety of reasons, it happens. The first thing anyone will tell you is that they are hard. Very hard. And usually you read a lot of advice about clearly setting your expectations, and how to stay involved in each others life. I used none of this. As someone who 3,000 miles away from their boyfriend for nearly 3 years and did finally get married, I hope that my experience, and those of my friends will help you.

My personal definition of a long distance relationship is one in which you cannot drive to spend the weekend together. If you are one of the people fortunate enough to be in a relationship like that, you do not get to commiserate with those of us who have spent months separated from their significant others. It makes us angry, and you would understand that if you were in our shoes.

Trust each other. If you are constantly suspicious the relationship is doomed. This is true in all relationships, but a more difficult demon in long distance relationships. Under the best possible conditions you will have been dating seriously for a while before you or your significant other has to move. If this is the case, you have the advantage of prior trust and commitment, but if either of you is anything like me, fear of marriage will spring up. I realized early on that if we were staying together, despite the huge distance, that must mean that we both see in each other someone we would, at some point, consider marrying. The thought of marriage came up in my mind earlier than it would have otherwise, and scared the heck out of me for a while, but I got over it, and part of that was communicating my feelings to my significant other.

Find a way to communicate. Yes, you need to talk about your day and what's happening and all the little mundane things that made you smile; but more than that you need to communicate your feelings. For us, talking on the phone before bed became our ritual, but if I was freaking out about future of our relationship, it was much better for me to write it. It gave me time to express myself clearly and kept him from interrupting me with his objections or concerns. I do however recommend avoiding instant messengers as a primary communication. There were several fights that could have been avoided had we been able to tell sooner that the tone of voice was either sarcastic, playful, or angry.

Always know when your next visit will be. Having a goal makes the time easier. The most stressful time for me was two weeks after any visit when we had not yet set the dates and ordered tickets for our next one. Also remember that a relationship is a two-way street, and if you are the only one putting effort into the visits, it's time to reevaluate what you're doing. Do you always want to do all the work in the relationship? No. Make sure that the traveling and the expenses are shared fairly. Long flights aren't fun, and neither is paying $400 for each of them.

Stay busy. For me, I was starting college and working 15 hours a week. I had tons of new friends and tons of homework. He was working long shifts, hanging out with the guys, and taking the occasional night course. It is more than okay to have fun without your significant other, and learning to do so is something you'll appreciate when you're living together or married. It's even okay to have separate friends. It keeps things interesting and you'll have more to talk about later on the phone or when you're together.

A personal word. Yes, it will be hard, and you will miss them more than you thought possible. The key is really to have good friends that support you. And I think that if you can handle a long distance relationship, you'll be better for it when you're finally together. You will know how to trust each other, and you will have strengthened and proven your commitment. And while my own relationship succeeded, I have seen others fail, even others who were able to visit more often, or talked on the phone for hours everyday. So there is no right way to do things, I think that in many cases a long distance accelerates the relationship, you may break up sooner than otherwise, or you may get married earlier than you thought. Still other long distance relationships drag on, as the couple breaks up, and gets back together over and over again. If you, as a couple break up more than once, it's time to give up on the relationship because when the going gets tough again, they will bail again. Looking back, I think that my long distance relationship was, overall a positive experience. I learned a lot about myself, and was able to be more independent during my college years, than if I had a boyfriend there with me.