Long Happy Marriages Are More a Result of Compatibility Than Hard Work

The phrase "marriage is hard work" has been around a long time and seems in our culture to be accepted as a bedrock truth. While I agree that marriage can be hard work, my years as a counselor with couples have convinced me that initial compatibility is by far the most crucial factor in a long and happy marriage. Marriage will always require some compromise and effort, but If it is characterized by requiring hard work, then it is likely that the couple was not well matched from the beginning.

Assessing that level of compatibility before committing to marriage may be the most important thing a couple can do to avoid future unhappiness and disappointment. Quite often the prospective husband or wife has a vague feeling that something isn't quite right, but believes that compatibility will grow. That vague feeling of anxiety is important to listen to. In fact, it may be the key to your future contentment.

We probably all have known an elderly husband and wife who are still in love with each other, and have had a long and content marriage. These partners commonly consider themselves to be each other's true best friend. Such couples live together for decades without tension, defensiveness, or hostility. They haven't tired of each other's conversation; they can and do discuss opinions (though they certainly do not always agree); they laugh and share humor and they have a kind of hand-in-glove understanding of the other person's language and emotions.

If you are in a couple and are considering marriage, how can you know if the two of you are compatible in a way that can weather the decades? First, ask yourself if your time together so far is making for a mutual sense of inner calm and harmony.

If you are not sure, ask yourself why you and your significant other are together. Any of the following may be common reasons for being together. They are not, however, necessary indicators of true compatibility:

1) You share many interests in common
2) You are both lonely and craving companionship ad or sex
3) She or he is the most beautiful or handsome person you have ever met
4) She or he is someone you believe can learn a lot from, which you believe will make you a better person
5) She or he is someone you admire and who makes you feel that you have achieved something because he/she wants to be with you

The most important question to then ask is whether you have a true and enduring comfort level with this person. Do your personalities both flourish when you are together? Or do you have feelings that something will need to change or grow before that can be achieved.

Each person should check their inner anxiety meter for the following six warning signs:

1) When you are with your partner, do you feel anxiety, jitters, or uneasiness in the pit of your stomach, that never quite goes away?

If so, this is your inner self giving you a warning. You are not comfortable with this something about this person, even if you believe that you are in love with them. Do not ignore this feeling and do not plunge further into commitment with them until you figure out what is bothering you. Do not assume that whatever it is can or will change. Something that causes such a profound discomfort is likely to get worse and is an important signal that something is wrong.

2) Do you feel more at home, at ease, or "yourself" when you are alone or with your friends than you do with your partner? If so, you are not compatible enough to spend decades together and to weather the storms that are inevitable parts of life.

3) Do you feel less than adequate when with this person? Do they do or say things to further that self-perception? Does your partner sardonically tease or criticize you regularly or even once in a while, particularly catching you off-guard? Have you convinced yourself that it doesn't bother you-- or that you can "take it" because you want to be with this person? If so, this is not the person for you. Undermining the confidence of another is a subtle form of abuse. Staying with him or her will only cause you to lose your self-confidence and self-esteem. At worst it could be the warning sign of serious abuse to come.

4) Does this person declare feelings of love for you that you don't feel as strongly for them? Take this lack of comparable feelings seriously. Do not commit to a relationship expecting feelings to "grow."

5) Do you having feelings for this person that they seem unable or unwilling to reciprocate? Walk away. Don't waste years of your life hoping to change his or her feelings. The two of you are not a match.

6) Does this person with whom you generally feel comfortable and at ease, periodically say or do things that make no sense to you; things which throw off your equilibrium? Do they, for example, show up late for dates or appointments; have unexpected outbursts of rage; disappear for periods of time with explanations that don't make sense; make psychological assessments of you that don't make sense; blame you for things that he or she has done? These are huge warning signs that the person is being less than honest with you or is generally unstable. They may be having an affair or engaging in some other hidden activity. Or it may be an indication of psychological problems which will only get worse. In any case, take these signs very seriously.

The essence of this advice is to listen to your gut. If it is feeling uneasy with a partner, seriously investigate the unease and be prepared to make a break. If any of the above conditions are true, all the hard work in the world will be for nothing, and valuable time will be wasted on someone who was never actually right for you.

Compatibility is what it takes and it is worth waiting for.