Look Sharp!

Let's face it, guys. To jump-start a normal male-female relationship in today's modern world, you only have two choices: look sharp, or kidnap somebody cute. And looking sharp is easier (and cheaper) than kidnapping, unless you live near the US/Mexico border.

Today's is a shallow, star-struck society, a fashion-fixated world, and nothing's more important than your looks. Unless you live near the US/Mexico border. Then, it's more important to have a bilingual bail-bondsman and unlimited access to narcotics and firearms.

It's time you were important, too. Why bother with a life, when you can have a lifestyle?

It's time you got Bald-Out!

Just announced by the FDC (Friendship & Dating Czar), Bald-Out is no simple application or appliance, but a government-run program of pure insecurity management, wrapped in obscure, dishonest packaging. No one-time tonsorial procedure, but a cradle-to-grave strategy, embracing skull management, snappy retorts to snooty insults, clever integrated disguises, and the proven tactics of outright denial. Bald-Out takes a holistic approach to your head, never resorting to outdated concepts like personal responsibility and individual value.

And getting Bald-Out works! Using a shadily-appropriated patent, the government will manage the very hair on your head for you! Your FDC-certified coach, the "Pate-tronizer," will coddle your cloying anxieties with these, and many other, life-affirming techniques:

The Follicular Whip: for guys with just a few remaining strands, we advise letting those last wisps grow to a length of 6-7 feet, then we assist in wrapping the foul things round and round the afflicted area. Very popular with members of Congress.

The Road-Kill Wig Wagon: a PETA-approved mat of faux animal pelt is lovingly affixed to the afflicted area with glue or staples, achieving a eye-catching effect that would make John Edwards look like Albert Einstein in a wind tunnel.

The Burqa-Lounger: basically, we wrap a large cloth several times around your head. Handy for avoiding unwanted advances from Senators in public restrooms. Optional accessories include an atavistic ban on public education. Not recommended for misogynists or guys with heavy facial hair. To avoid getting profiled at airports, we suggest you take the train.

The Hair Apparent: we steal hair from your kids. We don't transfer it to your head or anything: we just steal it from theirs. (it gets added to our vital Homeland Hair Reserves) And suddenly, you feel better. That's just the way of the world. Misery loves company. Besides: confiscatory hair redistribution is patriotic!

The Homeland Hard Hat: you still have hair, but worry about that spreading circle? That thinning top-spot that none but birds, planes and astronauts can see? We embed an anti-missile radar dome in your skull. Now you're protecting your head and your country. (Warning: may cause some cell phones to malfunction. Or explode. And there's always the chance that Joe Biden could leak your head's location to the media.)

The Knight on Bald Mountain: an innovative ice-breaker with those cute, single, stiletto-heeled, black-clad, anorexic artsy types: we stage an orchestra performance on your head! Optional accessories include earplugs and a classical music "buzz-words" primer. ("Oh, Sonia, wasn't that just arpeggio? I'm getting all allemande and stuff.")

The Tom Sawyer Back-To-Black Whitewash: yep, the can of spray paint. Been around for years. You spray paint on your head. Black, brown, whatever. We still can't believe it ourselves. True, a person on Mars with a toy telescope can tell it's not real hair, but hey...what can we tell ya? It's quick. It's cheap. And if you're not careful, it runs.

The Autumn of Our Discontent: paint your head the color of your favorite football team! Women will swarm you, stylin' with that brim-backwards sports cap look. Comes bundled with a baggy pair of pants that cling to your lower hips, about six inches below your boxer shorts (not included). We don't know why this attracts women. And we don't much care.

The Bean Billboard: we rent out your head as prime advertising space, and split the ad revenue with you! (less shipping & handling, commissions, and adjusted revenue)

The Slippery Mullet: compensate for the afflicted area up top by going absolutely nuts in back. A must-have in the Rust Belt. Includes award-winning "My First Meth Lab" science kit.

The Truman Capote Pate-Helmet: for the guy whose head is just too far gone, this solution employs garish 1940s-style Fedoras, stitched from yards of pastel-colored cloth, with a styled brim large enough to seat a casino blackjack table. Not recommended for use in biker bars.

It's your head, but let the government manage it! Go get Bald-Out today!

And coming soon from the FDC: Weight-Off!