Looking for My Mojo

After the birth of my first daughter I read all there was to read about how life changes after you have a baby. I read the endless number of magazine articles that told me how important it would be to carve out some time for myself during the very busy, and often stressful, times of new motherhood. I believed it when I read that I'd be a better mother and a better wife if I did so.

I promised myself then that I would not fall into this "mommy trap" of putting everyone else's needs before my own. I was smarter than that. Of course I would continue to nurture myself. I wasn't going to give up my own interests. I was independent, had a healthy self-esteem and a host of friends. Surely having a baby wouldn't change my life all that much.

When my daughter arrived, I spent countless hours staring into her eyes and marveling at the creation of life. I didn't want to do anything else except make her feel safe, warm and happy. Most of my time was spent this way, but I did continue to visit with friends, ride my horse, and have some alone time while my daughter napped. My husband and I continued to travel, to go to dinner, to socialize, the only difference was, we now brought our daughter with us wherever we went. Life hadn't changed that much.

Seventeen months later I experienced the joy and awe of birth a second time when our new daughter came into our lives. This time, however, I was too busy to stare into my newborn's eyes and daydream; I was also chasing a very active and curious toddler. Our first week together as a family of four proved that we were now also dealing with a special needs baby. My daughter had a severe sleep disorder.

All those magazine articles I had read, all the promises I had made to myself were lost. I sold my horse, friends visited less and less often, and exhaustion kept me from reaching out to others. My needs were entirely forgotten.

I didn't purposefully betray myself. I got caught up in basic survival.

Now that my girls are getting older and my second daughter is healing, I am finding a little time to think about things like, who am I, now that I am a mother? What are my interests? Am I the independent person I thought I was? What happened to the person I used to be?

Amy Tiemann, Ph.D., the author of the book Mojo Mom: Nurturing Yourself While Raising a Family, has inspired me to find the answers to these questions and to start searching for my mojo.

Indeed, becoming a mother has changed me in profound ways. I sometimes mourn the person I once was, yet I know this is healthy, for we can't embrace the new until we properly work through the old. I will never be that person again and that's okay.

I am looking forward to getting to know my new Self. I am learning that I need to be gentle on Her and patient too. I know that this is a process. I want to emerge new, healthy, strong, and vibrant.

I have started doing some small things to aid in this process such as taking a Tae Kwon Do class. I'm reading some "trashy" books purely for pleasure. I buy myself chocolate once a week. I try to get out with other moms on a regular basis. I am working on creative ways to find time for my writing. These are baby steps but I'm working on it.

It is not a cliché to say that we moms need time for Self. We do. It just doesn't always happen in our time.