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Even when I look good, it doesn't always make me feel good. Its just a little problem of mine that I get paranoid and think people are trying to hurt me because I used to be hurt by my brothers. But that's in the past. I have Jesus now. And if he is with me, who can be against me.

But that doesn't mean I don't tap acupressure points on my face and collarbone when I feel stressed. Its just something the Lord created that I can manipulate to feel better. I still miss my old boyfriend. Although I've given up on ever marrying him, I care about him and wish him the best. I know that things will never be perfect, but I try to be cleaner and more dedicated to others.

It seems that I am better at being a friend than a girlfriend. And I know its because I am used to being a friend. Not seducing people. And that's ok. But I'd really like my own sweetheart. Someone to call. Someone to laugh with. I never really had that. I've had a boyfriend before. But it wasn't meant to be.

I seem to find comfort in the Word of God. He is the wisest, he has the answers I am looking for. Even in my suffering there is hope. The beginning of Psalms tells me I am wise for not getting involved with criminals and that's always a good thing. But I still have to meditate on God's goodness and pray and even change my ways. I am trying to take vitamins and take better care of my health. I have cut down on emotional eating and even started exercising more vigorously.

In High School I was always being yelled at. I was having trouble at school. I felt scared all the time. I thought there was something wrong with me. My parents didn't like my friends. I was thin but wasn't eating right. Then I went to the doctors and they put me on meds. I figured I needed something. But it turns out what I really need is good nutrition. The high protein diet that got me to lose weight is exactly what I needed. Maybe not no carbohydrates, but more protein, less sugar and caffeine and all that good stuff.

Its made a huge difference in my life. And I'm now the same size I was in college and I plan on losing more weight. I would love to be 145 again. But that may be unrealistic. It was like a full time job working out that much. But at least I can have a goal. Goals are essential to fulfilling dreams. I went from a C student to getting A's and B's in college. So whoever says you don't have what it takes, follow your heart and keep keeping on.