Looking for Work Never Seems to Get Any Easier

I've always enjoyed being part of a group. I've been a member of the Cub Scouts, the YMCA, Adult Children of Malcontents, Toastmasters International and even a member of the U.S. Navy. I've joined groups for camaraderie, professional growth, charitable causes and discounts on airfare. Last year, however, I reluctantly became a member of a group that offered few potential benefits or distinctions: the ranks of the unemployed.

According to recent statistics, over 7 million Americans were dragged, kicking and screaming into our club last year. Unlike the other organizations to which I've belonged, I didn't even want to become a member. I didn't attend a free introductory seminar, wasn't sponsored by another member, nor was I coaxed into joining with the promise of a free condo in Aspen. In fact, I'd have to say that I've gone to almost any length to achieve expulsion.

Ten years ago, I found myself in a similar situation. After a couple of weeks off for R & R, I picked up Sunday's classified ad section, circled three or four interesting positions and made a few telephone calls on Monday morning. A couple of interviews later, I'm sitting behind a new desk, filling out health insurance forms and deciding what position to play on the company softball team. Thirteen months of continuous unemployment suggests to me that this time, it was going to be different.

Fortunately, there is no shortage of help available to the unemployed. Immediately upon hearing of my plight, well-wishing friends began dispensing anecdotes on how they landed their first job 30 years ago at El Taco Grande. The local bookstores abound with resources addressing every conceivable angle of the job hunt from writing Pulitzer Prize winning cover letters to preparing for the interview. But the first and most honored tactic is scanning the classified ads.

In their despair to screen for qualified applicants, corporations have begun writing highly discriminative want ads. For instance, I ran across this one last week:

Certified Public Accountant. Large metropolitan accounting firm seeks tri-lingual Rhodes Scholar to join dynamic group of plumbing auditors. Must have 3-5 years of experience in nuclear physics, fund raising, IBM mainframe system design and be willing to travel 350 days a year. Must possess a current Idaho Cosmetology license. Ability to work well in dark, cramped and moist environments a definite plus. Please forward resume, salary history and recent stool specimen to: Ms. Petunia Plotnik, Director of Circular Filing, 13568 East 456th Street North, West Los Angeles, CA 90017. EOE

After five weeks of futile newspaper research, I threw in the towel and resorted to professional assistance. Recruiters or "headhunters" as they're often called, promote the façade that after one 15-minute meeting, they can line up the interview that has successfully eluded you all your life. This may be true if you have certain marketable skills in "hot" career tracks, such as sushi wrapping, karma repair or zither tuning. But if you're a college educated professional with technical expertise from the 90's, you will be treated with all of the hospitality reserved for a telemarketer calling at suppertime. Even so, there is still one more indispensable resource for employment networking: the unemployment office.

The unemployment office is officially designated the Department of Labor and Employment (as opposed to the Department of No Labor and Unemployment). The DLE is the black hole of the universe. People walk in and are never seen or heard from again.

Before you do business with the DLE, there are a few things to keep in mind. First, no matter which form you complete, it will always be the wrong one, so be prepared to go back to the end of the line at least three times. In preparation for the inevitable, it's a good idea to fill out one of each and let the clerk take their pick. Second, be prepared to wait. During my last visit, I sat next to a gentleman who had fallen asleep under a newspaper dated April 6, 1965. I knew I was in for a long wait. Finally, if you have any advanced education, don't expect much help in finding work through the DLE. Dead giveaways are the category headings for available positions: Part-time Domestic Help and Manual Labor. The DLE is usually one of the last resources that the Brookings Institution depends on for filling vacancies. Assuming that you do find someone who will grant you an interview, you still have a lot of work ahead of you.

I've always been able to accurately predict when an important interview is imminent: a new pimple the size of Mount Vesuvius has erupted on the tip of my nose and my best suit is in the cleaners. But appearance isn't everything. In fact, there are a number of other things that are much more important than how you look. Some of the books addressing the topic of interviewing offer the following suggestions:

• Always arrive five minutes prior to the interview; never show up more than fifteen minutes early and never arrive late.
• If you can tolerate it, drink one or two cups of strong, black coffee 30 minutes before your appointment. The caffeine will give you a "dynamic" edge during your interview.
• Before announcing your arrival at the reception desk, visit the restroom to relieve yourself and perform a final check of your appearance.

The last time I followed these suggestions, the caffeine made me so jittery, I got my shirttail stuck in my fly and locked myself in the restroom. After performing emergency repairs, I had to crawl out the window and was 35 minutes late for my interview.

The job interview is the professional equivalent of a blind date. Two strangers gazing deeply into each other's eyes, trying to decide if they'll be mutually compatible. You steal furtive glimpses of each other's body language. What are they telling me? Do they like me? Oh, to hell with it. Let's have another look at that resume…

My favorite interview question has always been: "Describe for me your greatest accomplishment within the last five years". What immediately comes to mind is the first time that I played the entire Star Spangled Banner by cupping my hand under my armpit; without sheet music. Given the circumstances, however, I usually come up with the vapid, rehearsed response, "I coordinated and implemented a multi-factorial, time-sharing system for database decentralization and integrated modular output using C++". But by far, the most entertaining question is: "Describe your greatest weakness". Right. As if I'm actually going to admit to taking 35 sick days last year. And there was, of course, that minor issue in the ladies' room… But instead, I reflexively gaze up to the ceiling and respond with the standard, "Well, gee. I don't know. I suppose if I do have a weakness, its being too honest at times." They always love that one.

The hardest part of the entire process comes immediately after the interview: the waiting period. It's one of the few times during the search for work that doing nothing is condoned. This, of course, perpetuates an internal argument: should I call them, or wait until they call me? I want to appear professional, but not too anxious. So, if I make up my mind to call, how long should I wait before picking up the phone? Is seven days too many? Four days too few? I haven't experienced this much internal conflict since I pondered a move on Susie Medford in the sixth grade cloakroom.

Ultimately, the waiting begets changes in my lifestyle. I find myself going to bed earlier and getting up later; if I get up at all. My taste in entertainment slowly erodes from evenings at the theater to afternoon double-headers of Hawaii Five-O and Little House on the Prairie. Ultimately, I know I'm really faltering when Turlock's Big Rig Truck Driving Academy seems like a viable career opportunity.

Finally, the call comes. My last interviewer wants to begin checking my references. So I fax them a carefully prepared list of the few remaining people that will still vouch for me. These are individuals that either still owe me money or people that I haven't seen in over 12 years. And then I wait some more…

Over the course of the last 30 years, I estimate that I've worked more than 60,000 hours. I've served donuts, tacos, weenies, burgers and fries. I've driven ice cream trucks, forklifts, go-carts, vans and trams. I've worked inside, outside, morning, noon and night. I love having a job. Sometimes, I can't believe that it's so hard to find something that so many other people don't want.

Unfortunately, finding work hasn't gotten any easier. The same uncertainties that assaulted me as a teenager are still alive and well today. You'd think that given the amount of experience that I have in this area, I'd be able to capitalize on my peripatetic work history. My friends tell me that I'd make a great career counselor. My mind tells me that I could do even more. Maybe I'll write a book on the subject. On second thought, maybe just an article…