Loosing a Baby
My Choices Her Price
I often wonder why she was never aloud to talk,run or ever even play. I held her once without having sterile clothes on and I still remember the smell of her skin. I remember the to sound of her little cry and the way it felt when her little body went limp in my arms as she took her last breath.
I still see her tiny fingers, her wrinkled skin and I wounder often if her black hair would have stayed black and curly or if it would have just changed to brown and straight.
Wow, 11 years one could never know how long it would take to heal from the death of a child but I guess it is true that grief has stages with each taking different times for every step.
I wonder sometime if there had been anything I would have done to prevent he early death. Was it that I did not get enough exercises or did not go to the doctors office for check ups. No nothing during my pregnancy could have prevented her unknown destiny.
It was the actions I had taken before her conception that killed my baby. The drugs and abuse I subjected myself to. If I had just not used or not drank then I would not have allowed myself to be in certain situations.
What can I do now nothing but weep the loss of a possible president, a possible scientist or even a possible Alcohol and drug Counselor that could have saved the lives of other people.
Loosing my baby changed my life it changed it in the most positive directions. I have been clean and maintained my recovery for 12 years now and I have educated myself on the effects of HPV. I educated other young women that taking care of their bodies is or has to be a priority.
I will survive this years death day and I will gain strength from writing my feelings down instead of keeping them locked away.
Published by Star Noble
I am a helper of people with a bachelors in behavioral health. I have been working as a social worker for the past 6 years, most recently with adolescents. My husband and I have 4 children and 3 grandchildren. View profile
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