Lord Metatron and the Otter Warden

In case you missed last Thursday's galactic conference call, let's start with a simple explanation.

In the root of the Chinese Four Pillar Chart, there is a rat surrounded by two dragons. In the stems of the chart, there is yang fire. The rat is a Water sign; the dragon is an Earth sign. Water, the strongest element, can be found in the rat and the two yang waters. Water and Earth are enemies. The dragons seem to be making plans to eat the rat, which will herald the "Time of No Time," especially for the rat.

See? How obvious is that? So now, thanks to the internet, even the most skeptical doubter can clearly conclude that the world will end in 2012.

Still hesitant? Well, maybe you forgot that the Maize God at Chicken Itza's Lower Jaguar Temple has crosses under his armpits, representing the crossing places of the ecliptic and the Milky Way! Ha! Now try to deny that we're transitioning from Kali Yuga to Satya Yuga!

So there it is. Time and space are shifting. The planets are aligning, a transitional age approaches, and somewhere out there is one seriously rattled rat. And all of this clearly means that we're moving, astrologically-speaking, into the Age of Aquarius (literal translation: "Rodent Water"). Of course, the Age of Aquarius already made us a nice offer once, back in the '60s, but at the time we were too busy moving into the Age of Puberty to notice.

But time and space are our friends. As Lord Metatron comfortingly intones, "Time exists so that the dumb stuff doesn't all happen at once, and space exists so that it doesn't all happen to you."

According to my research, conducted while I was thinking up anagrams for "Rodent Water," the ancient Mayans measured time in Uinals (literal translation: "Port-O-Let"). 18 Uinals make a Tun, 20 Tuns make a Katun, and 20 Katuns make a Baktun (literal translation: "nearly as long as a Joe Biden speech"). Thirteen Baktuns is known as a "Great Cycle," because by then the Mayans had invented English. And this entire, timeless method of time measurement was known as the "Long Count." (literal translation: "football strategy on third down and short")

Anagram Update: Wade To Trent

The ancient Mayans spent a lot of time staring into space, which often happened when ancient cultures ran around inventing tequila. Venus, for example, was a favorite astrological symbol for the Mayans, who called the little planet "Tlauixcalpantecuhtli." (literal translation: "anagram for Venus after inventing tequila")

The ancient Mayans also invented basketball. On days when they were able to actually stand, they would form teams and try to toss an ancient ball through a round hole in an ornately-carved ring of stone. The captain of the winning team was duly honored (literal translation: "sacrificed to Venus"), which was a bit messy, but fabulous for ancient network ratings, especially during Sweeps Uinal.

Using their calendars, charts, and a wedge of lime, the Mayans calculated that by 2012 we will have gone beyond time, technology, money, and human intelligence as we know it. This clearly explains, for the first time, why the Congressional Health Care Bill doesn't go into effect until 2013.

Anagram Update: Red Ant Tower

I hate to go off on a tangent, but at this point I must mention crop circles, because ... well ... because I must. Hang on. A crop circle known as the "Etchilhampton Grid" was interpreted, by a bloke named Steve, to be a pointer to the year 2012, after Steve discovered that he could fit 3 Mayan calendars in the grid, if he bent one of the calendars. (see "Tequila, Side-Effects Of") Steve's discovery prompted another guy, also named Steve, to point out that the grid correlated with a map called the "Psi Bank Warp and Holonomic Woof." And if you think I'm gonna miss an opportunity to say "Holonomic Woof," then you don't know much about me.

My internet research also unearthed another dude (Steve, again) who has invented a time travel machine, so you can just cut to the chase, nip forward in time, and have a peek at 2012. Steve's blog includes a link to some website where you can "buy the plans now!" (literal translation: "there's one born every minute")

Anagram Update: Rotten Wader

The internet tells us what will happen next, and what it will mean. The Sun will be at 0 degrees Capricorn, making an almost exact sextile to Neptune at the beginning of Pisces, which will result in a spiritual experience. Or a loss. Or maybe both.

Well, of course it will. What else would you expect from an almost exact sextile at 0 degrees? Tell us something we don't know. Lord Metatron comfortingly intoned on that one weeks ago.

By the way ... according to the internet, Lord Metatron is the Keeper of the Keys, who lives at the center of the galaxy and is comfortingly adding a love force coloring to the Standing Wave within the folds of Gaia, and I think you'll agree that it's high time somebody did. You can sign up for his monthly conference call for only $25. (see "Bogus Time Machine Scams") Alternatively, Lord Metatron does offer free Manifesting Calls, which is a pretty good deal, since the center of the galaxy generally isn't included in your average extended-area calling plan.

Anagram Update: Torte Drawer

Interestingly, for a conference call that originates in the center of the galaxy, it's scheduled for 8.30pm Eastern Standard Time, leading some theologians to theorize that Lord Metatron may not really reside in the center of the galaxy, but somewhere in the Bronx (the internet adamantly confirms and denies this). But should you miss the call, a transcript is available as a downloadable PDF, and please believe me when I tell you that I am not good enough to make this stuff up.

2012. It's coming. Are you ready? Have you prepared? Do you have enough quarters at hand for the next conference call? Have you even deciphered "Otter Warden" yet?

Internet Update: sadly, The Third Steve's web-link to the "time machine blueprints" is broken.

In my opinion, so is The Third Steve.