Lord, Save the Sovereign State of Florida

The state of Florida is located in the south-eastern part of the United States, sticking out into the Gulf of Mexico displaying an arrogance that is hardly justified. Except for enclaves along the east coast, from Miami through Vero Beach, to the north, there is hardly one decent bagel to be found. Florida is also known for its cockroaches (known locally as "Palmetto Bugs" the size of a football), hurricanes and the most venal group of local and state public officials in the entire world. We also seem to enjoy a substantial number of school teachers, mostly of the female persuasion, who are attracted to middle-school lads and act on that attraction.

But what sets our state at a place that is unique: our politics and election process. Since the presidential election of 2004 established that Florida was and is unable to count ballots twice in a row and get the same result each time, our elected officials have managed to outdo even their previous crazy records.

This year, the state Legislature has performed in its usual fashion.

Lord, save us; the state government is hard at work!

A few examples. On April 15, 2008, Governor Charlie Crist signed a wonderful law, the "Preservation and Protection of the Right to Keep and Bear Arms in Motor Vehicles Act of 2008." This law states that a holder of a concealed weapons permit in the state of Florida may bring his or her weapon to work, provided it is locked in the employer's parking lot. There are several points to be made here. First, any person who has not committed a capital felony within the past twelve months, can get a concealed weapon permit; I believe there are 11.5 million people in the state with such a permit. The names and addresses of those possessing such a permit are kept secret. When a child is born in Florida, the hospital automatically applies for a social security card and a concealed weapon permit. Next, everyone has a gun in his or her automobile anyway. Otherwise, how is one to resolve parking space disputes at Wal-Mart or issues as to merging onto the Interstate?

Actually, this latest measure has a environmentral basis. In the past, when an employee got miffed at the Boss, the employee would have to drive all the way home to pick up his AK-47. Think of the gas to be wasted, not to mention adding to the traffic. Now, all it takes is a quick visit to the parking lot and, within minutes, "Bang, Boom, Bang"! Florida's way to Go Green.

Meanwhile, a new proposed law is truly "nutty". In some parts of Florida it is, apparently according to State Senator Carey Baker, who is an owner of a gun shop when he is not legislating, common to hang replica bull testicles on the back of pick-ups. Senator Baker is mightedly offended and has proposed a law that would impose a $500 fine for displaying replica bull testicles.

I should not make light of Senator Baker. In this session alone, he sponsored many important and vital pieces of legislation, among them being SB 0230 which would designate an official state horse for Florida.

As far as bull testicles are concerned, it would still be permitted to hang the real thing from your rear view mirror, but no replicas, please. Truly nutty.

Then, we in Florida will have two Constitutioonal amendments coming up for a vote this Fall. One would create a Florida license tag honoring the losing side in the Civil War. I have previously written about this issue which remains in the forefront of state needs! The second proposed amendment also covers previously fought battles. This amendment would ban same-sex marriage, a relationship already forbidden by Florida statute. The problem with this poorly drafted emotional and religiously oriented measure is that it might effect elderly co-habitating people trying to maximize social security benefits and would likely bar employment benefits offered by many corporations and governmental agencies. In any event, the battle against cohabitation has already been fought - and lost

Florida voters, last year, passed amendments that dramatically reduced property taxes, the legislature has a tax phobia, the Governor runs on a no tax platform and, now, people are wondering why some services are being cut. Duh. So we reduce funding for the elderly and the infirm, cut assistance to hospices, reduce child health care, let our roads and bridges fall into disrepair, reduce EMT services and staff, reduce library hours and generally, act like a third-world nation.

Who cares? The weather is wonderful, the baseball season has just started and, perhaps, the Tampa Bay Rays will win 75 0r 80 games, the professional football draft is coming up and, maybe, the Buccaneers will go two or three games into the playoffs, and there hasn't been a shark attack for months.

Life is good.