Lose Your Self-Consciousness

What is the worst thing that can happen when people focus on you in any negative sense? They may have a moment of salacious gossip, but that's all. Tomorrow you will be yesterday's news. In a career sense, malicious gossip can be damaging in the short term, but you really have to rise above it if you are going to advance. If you feel self-conscious in a social situation like a party, it's usually because you are too self-absorbed, which then makes you appear one-dimensional and unappealing. The most popular people tend to be those who make others feel significant, simply by showing an interest in what they are saying, in their activities and in their endeavours.

My son, who is very handsome with an engaging smile, plucked up the courage at 22 years old to tell me that he felt alone and unattractive at a party he had attended the night before. This was a surprise to me because he seemed so easy, popular and self-assured in his life, with lots of attention from women. However, he was Black among a sea of White faces which did not help his confidence either. He said he had found it difficult to talk to the girls first. They did not speak to him either, and so he did not enjoy himself at all. I told him that he was focusing on himself too much, that he was too worried about the negative things girls might tell him if he approached them, and that he had to develop a fish-in-the-sea philosophy: that there are always others available and waiting, if he were rejected by anyone. I also pointed out that, if he liked someone and was afraid to speak to her first, she would be more likely to feel afraid of speaking first too. Result: No action at all, with misconceptions on both sides and frustrated people all round.

Valuing Yourself First
Above all, he had to value himself highly before others could value him at all. I told him, "As my son, you are the greatest thing since sliced bread to me and, unless you believe it, no one else will. The worst thing someone can say to you is 'No' and, if you feel unduly affected by that, then you don't value yourself at all."

A week later, after another party, he smiled broadly at me and said rather proudly, "I am the best thing since sliced bread!" I was left to interpret that as I wished, but I felt very pleased to see him more cheerful and to know that some of my advice had proved useful.

More than ten years down the line, the youngest member of our staff, Alex, who is drop-dead gorgeous with an outgoing personality and a caring approach to match, said exactly the same thing. This time I was even more gobsmacked because I thought it was much easier to approach women in these days of gender equality compared to ten years earlier. He says he really finds it difficult to approach women to chat them up. He is not sure what to say because everything he says ends up sounding 'stupid' or 'silly'.

However, he notices that the more he drinks the more appealing the women look! By the time the evening is over, someone whom he would never even give a second glance at the beginning seems to be 'just the ticket' at the end! Obviously, his lack of self-belief, desire for perfection and low self-confidence prevent him from taking the initiative and simply settling for anything when he's lost his inhibition. But, as there are likely to be many women feeling exactly the same way, unless someone makes a move, a lot of potential relationships will never see the light of day.

Take an Interest in Others
The best behaviour in those social situations is to focus on your purpose for being present and also on the other people there. Try to take an interest in some of them and in whatever else is happening around you. That should take the attention away from yourself while making you appear far more interesting. Do not lose sight of the common goal you share with everyone else in the room. This goal could be networking for new friends or business contacts, exchanging mutually beneficial information, seeking a potential partner, simply enjoying the occasion or whatever you desire it to be.

Above all, practise asking questions. That's what gets you answers, makes you more attractive and increases your knowledge base. If you only make statements, and about you, then nothing will come back at you, and you will also bore others to death. While we may or may not comment on a statement, only a question requires a response and actually widens the conversation. It also makes the other person feel significant and valued. Be aware that some low-confidence and introspective people might resent your curiosity but they would be in a minority.