Losers to March for "Vaginal Access" Rights

Washington, DC--In an effort to combat years of undeliberate abstinence, about 300,000 geeks, dorks, nerds, squares, techies, virgins, hipster dufuses and other ragtag losers are planning to march on the National Mall on Saturday. Sponsored by Pointdexters In Need of Kisses, Titties, Ass and Coochie (PINKTACO), the losers hope to draw national attention to their movement for "vaginal access rights."

"My goal is to bring attention to the plight of every loser in America who must resign himself to brief sessions of early morning masturbation every single damn day because women have and continue to purposefully deny him 'vaginal access' for no logical reason at all," PINKTACO founder Eugene Walters told reporters. "Everyday, another loser walks into my office demanding to know where he can find an accessible vagina, and everyday I have to tell another poor piece of shit that there are none."

A loser himself, 43-year-old Eugene has only had sex once in his life, and it was with a really, really fat hooker who at the time was pregnant with quadruplets. Since that nightmarish encounter in 1988, Eugene has done everything possible to try to earn the respect of women, including earning an MBA from Harvard University, starting his own pipe-laying business, buying a fancy car, and getting in shape. Despite Eugene's industrious efforts, however, he has yet, 23 years later, to lay some real pipe again.

"At least I'm not some virgin who has never experienced the sweet joy of tenderly sucking a woman's lumpy breasts, gently caressing her cellulite thighs, or affectionately licking whip cream off her stomach rolls," Eugene continued. "Sadly, I can't say the same for most of my clients."

PINKTACO's records reveal, in fact, that of the 300,000 or so losers who are expected to attend the march, over 75% of them are 40-year-old virgins. Also included among the group are computer science students, former House pages, video game tournament champions, and Milton Krumbert, a 38-year-old obese engineer who, because of his strict religious upbringing, has never even watched a pornography video, let alone seen a picture of a naked woman.

"I imagine that a woman's breast looks something like the graph of the polar equation r = 1+2sin(theta), in that it is likely large and round and features a small circular protuberance somewhere near the bottom," Milton told reporters, seemingly unaware that female breasts likely look a whole lot like his own fat-ass breasts. "Regardless, I sincerely hope this march proves fruitful because I am so very tired of searching for the delta vagina to my epsilon penis."

Unlike Eugene, Milton is neither financially successful nor in shape. He is just a simple toad of a man who works hard and spends his free time feeding birds at the park, hoping that one day a woman passing through will recognize the heartwarming sensitivity of his bird-feeding actions and open up her heart to him--and, God Willing, her vagina as well.

However, according to Professor Sheena Nicole from the University of Atlanta's Department of Female Sexuality, neither Eugene, Milton, nor the 300,000 other losers from PINKTACO stand a chance in hell of ever acquiring "vaginal access rights" given their current mentality. It is her contention that women don't care about material things or sensitivity, but rather about social skills and swagger.

"What we ladies want is a good-looking man who isn't afraid to approach us and lay down some game," Professor Nicole told reporters, holding back puke as she flipped through a photo album of PINKTACO members. "And frankly, none of these dorks have either of the two and probably never, ever will."

"So they can march all they want," she continued, "but until they grow some balls and learn to approach a woman correctly, it's not going to make the slightest difference. And since most of these goofballs are afraid of their own shadows, let alone a fine, strong woman, their best bet is to either become Catholic priests and start messing with little boys, or just turn gay and start poking each other in the butt."

PINKTACO founder Eugene Walters did not take kindly to the professor's harsh admonitions.

"First of all, do me a favor and tell Professor Stupidass that she doesn't know what she's talking about with her stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, uber-stupid ass!" Eugene yelled at reporters. "Granted, anyone needs social skills to succeed in love, but to hell with her argument about game because real love isn't based on facades; it's based on real feelings."

"Look, the bottom line is that we are who we are. And excuse me if I sound naive, but I find it hard to believe that there isn't a single woman out there who's willing to look beyond our faults, however severe, and come to love us for who we are as kind, sensitive loving men who without a doubt totally friggen suck."

He added, "Besides, the only women who fall for game are those like Snooki, and frankly, I personally would rather eat out Milton's ass than ever sleep with a woman like that."

Moral of the story: Figure it out yourself!