Losing a Child and Continuing to Live - My Story

I was 21-years-old, married, pregnant and had a little boy who was 6. While I was pregnant, my husband and I had the best marriage we could have ever asked for. There was so much love between us, that nothing could have split us up. The day finally came to have our little girl. I went into the hospital at about 10:00 PM, and at 12:04 AM, Maisie Ellen was born. She was the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. The hospital staff checked us both over, and I was home before noon that same day.

We took little Maisie to her 2 week checkup, and our doctor saw her, and took her to the front office to show all of his staff what a beautiful little baby I had. He returned to the examination room, and proceded with her checkup. Within a few minutes, he told me that shehad gained weight, and that I had a healthy, beautiful little baby girl.

A couple of weeks later, My family and I were visiting my sister in law and her family, when my beautiful little baby power puked, and started crying. She cried for about a half an hour, and then fell asleep. We decided to go home, and I told my husband that since she had been fussy off and on that day, I was going to call the doctor in the morning. The next morning I woke up to my husband screaming profanities to God. I woke up startled and asked him what was wrong, and he kept screaming "She's dead, Our baby is dead!", as he dropped to his knees. I was in complete denial and thought he must be insane. I hurried over to her crib that was in our room, and there she lay. My beautiful baby was gone. She was cold.

We had no idea what we were supposed to do, or who we were supposed to call. We were so heartbroken and hysterical, we couldn't even think straight. My husband finally called his Mom and Dad, and said "Maisie is dead, and we don't know what to do!" Everyone we called said" What, what did you say?", and then we would have to repeat those words that we never wanted to say or even hear. Between hyperventilating and crying, we would have to repeat it again, and some of them would even say "Are you sure?" We ended up calling 911, and they sent an ambulance and the coroner(who happened to be the doctor's dad. Before they took her away, we each held her one last time, as we cried our hearts out. Some of our hearts she took with her.

I am sitting here balling like a baby, just thinking of it all, but if it can help one person get through a difficult time, then it will be worth it. Over a month later, we finally got the autopsy report, and found out that she had 6 heart defects including a hole in her heart. Our grief turned into anger. How could the doctor not know she had a hole in her heart, let alone 5 other heart defects. He should have been able to hear that through the stethoscope. We ended up hiring an attorney who later on(a year or so), told us that these types of heart defects are usually but not always detected, and that they were not going to be able to take our case. They suggested that we try another attorney, but at this point, we decided that we could not keep reliving the event.

Within six months, my husband and I were barely talking to each other. We never talked about Maisie, and if I would try, he would just sit there. I spent countless hours in my bedroom by myself, crying and not understanding why it didn't affect him the same way. It actually made me mad. How can he go through the motions of his life, and not think about her or talk about her. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, and told him that I wanted to get a divorce. We were split up for over a year before we actually got divorced, and I actually thought that we would get back together. I thought that the split up would make him realize how he was hurting me by not comforting me, about our loss. At first, he would hug me every time he saw me, but eventually he started dating, and gradually got to the point where he would not even speak to me. His family pretty much became the same way towards me.

While we were separated, a year and a half after Maisie passed away, I was arrested for DUI. I had to spend 45 days in jail, so my son went to live with his father (temporarily). I always thought he would eventually come back to live with me, but I needed to figure out where my life was going first. I didn't do a very good job. In 2002, I was arrested for another DUI, and after the first DUI, my baby girl was sent to live with my mother. Before this DUI I was attending college, and raising my little girl well. I had went out with a friend for 2 hours, and drank 2 beers. I also had a great babysitter. I took her home, and headed to my house, about 7 miles away. I ended up getting pulled over for speeding, then he arrested me for DUI...after 2 beers! I was so mad. Two beers didn't even affect me. I weighed 180 lbs. at the time! Once she was living with my mother, in another state, I gave up, and ended up getting into some more trouble with drinking. I spend the next year and a half in jail, work release, and house arrest (which didn't last long because I cut off the bracelet).

I re-enrolled in college, and ended up meeting my current husband and getting my daughter back. I graduated from college with an AAS in Computer Programming, an AS in Information Technology, and a 1 year cert in Web Page Design. My husband and I have a 10 month old baby and bought a house last year. I am getting ready to go back to work for the first time since I graduated from college.

I will never forget that morning, the morning that changed our lives forever, and I will never forget my little Maisie Ellen, but I have finally realized that I can no longer dwell on the fact that she is never coming back. I have 3 kids to take care of, and myself. I have always been my own worst enemy, and thankfully I have turned that around. It takes time to stop dwelling on the loss of a child, so you have to give yourself time to heal, but be careful not to let it overcome you. I got in trouble 5 years ago, and it STILL affects me...I STILL cannot drive. I do not blame my problems on the death of my daughter, it was simply my way of numbing the pain.

If you ever lose a child, or know someone who does, be there for them, and help them find a support group. Everyone has their own way of handling the loss, so bear with them. Eventually, things will get better. Hope this helps someone!