Losing Connections

My daughter and I were traveling by train. At 14, this was her first time. We were on our way to Kansas City from St. Louis, a five hour trip with a few stops and beautiful views from the train windows of farmland and hillsides. I desperately needed this trip. I think she did as well. It had been a painful summer for so many reasons, and I felt lost and disconnected from everything. It was time to breathe.

I had come to hate the thought of going to Kansas City. When I was beginning college, my father moved there due to a job transfer. It was like death for me. I needed him so much at that time. He has been gone now my entire adult life. I know that so much of what happened to me may not have, or may not have been so bad, had he been here. His heart hurts over this as well. We miss each other, send emails and call, but we know it's not the same. I feel so distant from him, and I wish so much he could be near.

Kansas City also took another person I loved close to me. It was devastating when he left, and even more so when the relationship ended soon after. It was another lost connection for me. My best friend and boyfriend of seven years was gone, eight months before this trip. I did not know what to do with myself. I found I had no one to talk to. I loved him very much and was broken hearted when it ended, and I have yet to understand why it happened. I talked to him everyday, and then, after seven years, he was just gone. We have spoken a few times by phone, realizing that it's difficult to just let go of all we had shared, but my heart aches when we do and it's awkward for me because I know he
won't come back to me.

My daughter and current travel companion was diagnosed bi polar this summer. Chaos has ruled my home for two years now. We have been through therapy, changed schools, and had police at our home for many reasons. As of today, she has refused to take any medications. My life has suffered as well. The stress has caused my work to suffer and all my time off, after this trip, is gone. She and I have lost our connection, rarely getting to share any quality time. My days are spent simply managing one crisis after another.

When we pulled into the station, there was my father waiting. I felt a sense of relief immediately. Suddenly, seeing my father meant I wasn't alone. We had many opportunities during the trip to talk about each other and I was able to unload all the sorrow I had felt for so many reasons this summer. I understood the connection to my father will never be lost, it's just a little harder to grasp.

I met my former boyfriend late on Saturday while my father and daughter shopped. It was a hard decision to make in seeing him again. I was nervous and afraid I would cry. I t was he who cried, however, and for the first time I really listened to the reasons why he left. He was right about a lot of things. It was the beginning of being able to let him go and move on with my life. We are remaining friends. It seems we have to. We had been through so much together, and in truth we still need each other on some level. We are still connected, just differently.

My daughter blossomed during the trip. I wish I could say it remained that way when we returned, but bi polar is unpredictable, and soon chaos had returned to my home. While in Kansas City, her behavior was stable, and we were able to share a few rare moments of mother-daughter time. She and I held conversations, not shouting matches. She and my father shared their love of the French language, and I got to see the good nature I know my daughter possesses. No matter where the next few years of adolescence takes us, she and I will always be connected because of these, and other, special moments we occasionally get to share.

I'm not really losing my connections to others. My relationships change, they are sometimes chaotic. People change. Therefore, the way I connect to family and friends changes as well. The value of having someone in your life, someone who listens and cares, never changes. I felt lost returning Kansas City, the place I had grown to hate. My recent trip there changed my mind. I see it now as a place where I learned to move on with life and hold close those that matter, giving me the connections to others I needed.