Losing a Loved Child Part 4

After a week of burying my son Rob and trying to get answers as to how he died, I was finally home. I still had no answers, only more questions. It was hard trying to get back into any kind of routine. I worked as an emergency operator for an answering service at night. My first night back as walked down the hall to the office, I dreaded going in the door. I knew I would be greeted by co workers who I knew were only trying to be nice, but would extend their symapathies. I didn't want sympathy, I wanted Rob, I wanted answers. I couldn't wait for them to leave and I would be left alone to do my job and think about how I would get my answers.

My brothers Doug and Bill, had gone to Missouri to see what they could find out. They were able to find things I had missed at Robs house and gathered information from more people. In the room where Rob died they had observed the paint can that was sitting in the corner and realized the room had been freshly painted. In the wall across from the door they found a bullet hole. The bullet that killed Rob, was still in his head, so where did this bullet come from? They cut a hole in the plaster and found a 38 slug inside the wall. Rob owned a 22 , but it was missing.

In talking to Robs grandfather and others , they found out that Rob had had a mortorcycle he was working on. We had all planned a family get together at Disney World Florida in July, and Rob was going to go there on the motorcycle. The motorcycle and a truck he owned were both missing. Lilbourn Mo is a small town, and they found a gas station attendant that knew Rob. He stated that Rob had been there the night he died, and told him that he had messed up and was going back to Illinois. He filled his gas tank there. My brothers went to the place he worked. His employer stated that Rob told him the Friday before he died, that he had messed up but would fix over the weekend. We knew Rob had been into drugs, and they found out that the alleged threatening note was written by a man he owed money to.

Doug and Bill took all the evidence they had founf out to the Sheriffs office. For two days they were sent back and forth from one person to another and back again. They were unable to make any headway and the more they spoke with people in law inforcement, the more inconsistencies they found and the more they were lead down dead end roads. They went home not with answers, only more questions.

About a week after I got home I recieved a brown envelope from the coroners office. In it was $8 and some change, Robs wallet which contained some paid reciepts for utility bills, a few pictures and a piece of an envelope flap. Written on it only the words, car belongs to brother, mom will know. Mom will know? All I knew was that Rob had borrowed money from his sister to by that car, which he still owed when he died. Why would he say the car belongs to his brother? Where was the pile of cash his cousin saw on the dresser? More questions and somehow I was determined I would start getting some answers.

From late May till mid October 1995 , it became a ritual. I would come home from work at 7:15am. Get Tina off to school, put my Christian tape in the stereo turn up the volume and go to the room we had made as an office when we got Tina a computer the Christmas before. Understand I was illiterate when it comes to grammar, punctuations, and computers. I still am, but everyday I would sit in front of the computer and pray. I would ask God to help me find the words I neede to say and the ability to put them on paper. Everyday he answered my prayer and before I knew it, I had compiled a 33 page summary of all the evidence we'd found, notes of everyone we talked to and all the inconsistencies of their stories. I wrote letters to anyone I thought would listen, along with a copy of my summaries. I wrote to Representatives,Senators, the state crime lab and the Govenor of Missouri. I wrote the FBI and the MBI I even wrote to Montel williams, Unsolved Mysteries, and Oprah. I back up all my letters with phone calls whenever I could find numbers. Everywhere I went I would be refered to somewhere else.

I won't go through the whole, it would be more than 33 pages long. As of October, 1995, 5months after Robs death, these are the answers I got. none of which answers for me how Rob died.

According to the investigators: 1. Rob commited suicide. 2. The bullet hole in the wall they determined, was from Rob firing a practice shot before taking his life. Even though they were different calibers and the 38 was missing. 3. The so called suicide note Rob had written, was actually a note he had left for his pastor, who was out of town. It stated he was sorry he had missed him, thanked him for all he had done for Rob, and said Rob was going home. The investigators determined, that by home Rob meant heaven. I guess he was going to drive there since he filled up his gas tank. 4. They said the gun that killed him was 60yr old 16 gauge sawed off shotgun with a 20 gage shell and that Robs were the only fingerprints found. . According to an independant ballistics expert stated, that with a 20 gauge shell in a larger 16 gauge shotgun, it is possible posssible the firing pin on the shot gun might not always engage with the shell. He further stated that, if it did engage, it would more than likely cause an explosion in the barrel because of the extra room., and that the barrel would have been extremely hot. There were was no evidence of burns around the wound in Robs head. 5. The crime lab said that there was no blood by the barrel of the gun, and he was never asked to test for fingerprints. The uncle of the investigator admitted leaving a non threatening note for Rob, and said the note found was not the note he left. He stated the note found must have been forged by Rob, and the investigators agreed. 6. The invesigators also determined that the reason Rob chose to have his grandfather find his body, was because he knew his grandfather " would do right by him ".

By mid October, after exhausting every avenue available, I had come to the realization that New Madrid County Missouri, is answerable to no one but themselves. That is a tight knit community where everyone covers for each other and until there were changes in the personel of the Sheriffs Office, I was not going to find the answers I sought. These being the case, the only real fact evident to me was that if you want to break the law and get away with murder, New Madrid County is the place. to live.

I love my son, and miss him deeply, but over those 5mos, I neglected everyone and everything else. I knew I would keep coming back to look for answers, but for now, it was time for me to move on and to take care of my family still living. I knew in my heart that Rob was safe. He was with his brother Cory in heaven and being well taken care of. It was time for me to let go and let God.