Losing a Parent: The Anger Hits

My mom died from a blood clot in her lung nearly two months ago. She survived six months following her stage IV colon cancer diagnosis before treatment for the condition caused blood clots and took her life.

The relationship between my mom and me was not a typical one. How can any relationship between parent and child be typical when the child is dependent on the parent for everything? I placed my mom on a pedestal and am unafraid to admit it. She was my inspiration when I was a sick child and adult. She was by my side with each operation and she never, ever let me give up.

Our family was in utter shock when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Truth be told, I was angry even at the point of learning she had cancer. I was angrier at her prognosis being go grim. I blamed myself for her not having the energy to fight the cancer as much as she should have. After all, she forced me to fight at age 15 when I did not believe I could do it. I am angry she did not place herself above anyone else and ultimately ignored signs of a condition that may or may not have been treated successfully only five years before it was found.

I am angry at her for loving us more than she loved herself.

Around me I hear, "how can you be angry at her when she was taking care of everyone else first?" I hear the words often, "she was selfless." Yes, she was selfless. She did not love herself enough to recognize her physical pain until it was far too late. As a result the four biggest joys in her life, my nephews and my children will not have her around for advice.

I feel as though I am having a three-year-old temper. Every once in a while I find myself crying and wanting to throw a tantrum. I have never been blessed enough to believe life is fair but losing my best friend makes it cruel. For almost two months now, my life has felt cold, lonely, and has not given me a glimpse at an improvement.

A few days after my mom died, I visited my children's counselor at school. She said my first feeling would be shock and then anger. I did not believe I could ever be angry about the situation but nearly two months after my mom's death, I am.

When someone says the stages of grief take a long time, they mean it. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance as those stages. Shock is the initial stage. Anger is where I am now. I cannot bargain to get my mom back so I'm moving into depression. The moments these emotions hit are not predictable at all. We celebrated my grandmother's 85^th birthday several days ago. My mind could only revert to the fact that with the exception of my sister, our 60 year old uncle, and our 85 year old grandmother every person in attendance had a mom to turn to for advice and for unconditional love. My 85 year old grandmother lost her mom in the 1970's when she was in her 70's. My uncle lost his mom in her 70's from the cumulative effects of smoking.

My mom died one month and a few days shy of being retirement age. At 61 years of age, she is gone. I am praying to fly through this stage and leave it behind forever. I never felt angry when I was sick. I lamely thought my being sick would keep my family safe. Realizing I was wrong has been the most painful event of my life.