Losing Your Temper? Here's How to Simmer Down

When my son was a toddler, I was so grateful that he did not go through the "terrible two's" at all. He was a normal active child, but he did not really give me a lot of problems. He spared me of the embarrassment due to tantrums and all the many concerns of little tots, that many other parents complained about.

But now that he's 9 years old, I feel like he is adding to a lot of my stress. I am a full-time homemaker, so you could imagine how much time I spend with him. Since he turned 6, I did not really look forward to summer vacations. Because I knew that for him to stay home for more than two months without school would drive me nuts.

You may say that your children are not bad kids. But most of them are oozing with energy that the usually tire their parents. They are perfect endorsers of Energizer, because they keep going and going and going. Children also ask endless questions, even to instructions given them. Like most kids of today, they are allowed to reason out, but I guess because parents are tired, especially moms like me, fights usually erupt. In my case, yes, I become the screaming mom often, which my son and I both resent. Many parents would say that It feels like aging quickly by the day, and having to fight off stress all the time.

There is a big need to be in control of these emotions. It is true that if children go overboard and start to show signs of disrespect and bad behavior, this should be addressed. Still, stress also comes from an inability to handle situations that lead to tears and anxiety for both parent and child. So here are a few steps that can be used to help control all that boiling emotion.

1. Count from 1 to 10. It is an old-fashioned technique, but it does help you cool down. When you are about to scream your lungs out, and that you feel that your blood is really boiling, counting 1 to 10 helps you take hold of yourself. It relaxes you and allows you take deep breaths. It is a time out for yourself. It does give you that moment to be more objective also. When you are at the height of your anger, you become so volatile that you could blurt out hurtful words that you might regret. This is your child that you are talking to. It is very important not to cause emotional wounds to him or her. Also, hurtful words or even action might strain your relationship.

2. Send your child to another room. The physical space between you could give a few minutes to collect yourself together, and to help you gather your thoughts. Your child away from your sight could help ease the tension. Your child could cry or whine in his own space, without you feeling upset about it. In situations when both of you get upset, it is understandable for the child to feel hurt and frustrated. Therefore, it is normal for him or her to feel anxious, to start to cry and to express his emotions. You may also feel so upset that it could drive you to tears as well. That space apart from each other could just give you that needed time to be alone. You may choose to send your child to his or her room, or you may tell the child that you are going to your own bedroom for about 10 minutes, and then you could talk again when you both feel less upset.

3. Do the effort to lower your voice. I have tried this approach, and it truly worked for me. Usually parents would scream so that the child would be jolted and realize that the parent is already upset. It seems that if the child knew that the parent was really upset, he or she would do as he or she is told. But if you would try to do the opposite, you would be surprised to see a different reaction. Your child would realize that the parent is really trying his or her best to keep calm. From the child's end, he would also exert an effort to match up with the parent's positive way of relating to him or her. You would be spared of straining your voice and in feeling more tense. Exerting an effort to lower your voice even when frustrated or angry would make you feel so much in control. Afterward, it does really give you a good feeling that you did not give in to moment when you were about to explode. Naturally, doing that would allow a more effective communication between you and your child.

4. Distract yourself. This helps a lot because it could really help you simmer down. When you get too involved in the situation, the more that you feel mad and ready to battle. You may want to go to the kitchen and look at what's on the stove. Or go to the room and do an unfinished job with the clothes. Or stay in front of the computer to answer a friend's email. You may turn the TV on for a bit and check out the schedule for the night's shows. Just put your mind off the issue so you could stop being angry.

5. Choose your battles. Sometimes we may look at every little thing that the children would do. We are actually concerned of their schooling, the way they behave in front of other people, and how they are turning out that we tend do pick on their littlest errors. Some things can also be blown out of proportion, without us wanting to. When you sit with your child during homework time, try to relax. You are there to guide and assist. If and when they have questions, be ready for them. But do not comment on their hand-writing, on how their answers seem to be lame. Do not give them undue stress. Be aware also of the children's developmental stages. This would allow you to know their interests, their likes and the things that at their age seem unimportant. Be aware of their styles and their skills. Don't allow little issues to lead to serious fights. Know which battles need to really be tackled, and know concerns that may not really be important and may just cause tension between you and your child.