Losing Yourself and Why We Pretend in Order to Survive

When do you stop pretending in this world? When do you ever just let go and be you? Do people even have a deep connection with themselves anymore? Too often in this world we are told what to do… what to think… how to feel. When do we think, act or understand for ourselves?

I recently made contact with people in my past. This was a big step for me… I purposely hide and disconnected from them so long ago. I've got two sets of people in the past… those I remember and miss and those I don't. But the biggest challenge I am facing is in me. All of them want to get together… play catch up, become friends again. How do I deal with that?

I am not who they remember… Yes, I am still loud and headstrong. I will still voice my opinion and I will always speak my mind…. So how am I different? Why is this so hard for me? Why do I want to see them…. But push it all away? Why do I refuse to make plans?

Maybe it's as easy as…I was never the person they thought I was.

I am gay and no matter how much they say they don't care about that… it doesn't change the fact that I hid that for so long. It doesn't change that I was never allowed to be "me" until I left them and that all behind.

You're right to think… that doesn't change you. You are still the same person. I used to think that too. Not anymore.

When I was young I guarded everything I did. I watched everything I said. I never made gestures or remarks that could be misunderstood. Looking back I knew when I was young to watch myself. I remember vividly my stepfather and his friends talking about beating the shit out of fags… I was six at the time. I was coloring with my brother in front of the TV as they drank and laughed about it. I remember the hurt feeling in my chest, the feeling of never being able to tell anyone how I felt. Yes, I knew this at six.

People often think that kids don't listen or know what's going on, I did. And that memory still haunts me… still brings tears to my eyes. I hurt for the child I was and the pain I dealt with…

When the other kids were holding hands with the opposite sex and experiencing puppy love… I knew better than to ever talk about who I had a crush on…I played it off. I "dated" boys.

Only once in my "childhood" did I take a risk. Ha! I can't even say I took a risk. I don't know how it happened… but I was completely crushed out on a girl and she was holding my hand……………………………………………………. until someone said, "you guys look gay". That was the end of that friendship or whatever it was… Looking back I think she felt like I did… but I'll never know the truth. She vanished pretty much in the same way I did.

That is my one "what if" in life and it completely changed me. Never again did I wait or hope…. I just went after what I wanted. Sometimes it wasn't pretty and I always got what I wanted… what I wanted wasn't always good for me. I lived, I learned and time went on.

When I graduated from high school I never looked back. I thought of "her" often… Hell I still think of her… I guess I will always think about her.

So those of you that might read this and knew me back then… please understand why I don't rush to meet you for lunch. It really isn't you… It's me…