Lost Without My Parents

"Hi mom, dad," I said. I noticed the feelings I had were true. I found out my mom had cancer. Leukemia is nothing to mess with though any type of cancer is bad. At that point I thought I was going to fall over. There is no way this is happening, it's all a nightmare, I will wake up and all will be ok. That was June of 98.

The middle of July mom went to the UMC of Nebraska for a bone marrow transplant. She went through all of her brothers and sisters. There was only one that had a perfect match. The doctor wasn't sure if it would help because it was pretty advanced. Her whole body would ache and she started noticing that she would have only half of her vision. I remember some days when she couldn't even get out of bed she was so tired. I would take care of the house while she slept. Mom cut her long beautiful brown hair to her shoulders knowing she would soon lose it all. She had the chemotherapy and the radiation. She lost all of her hair and ended up pretty sick.

Finally, she seemed to be getting a little better until she took a turn for the worst.
My dad and I decided to move to Omaha and stay in the apartments they provided for family. It was close to the hospital and I was able to be with my mom anytime. That was easy but the hardest was yet to come. I remember it as if it were yesterday. My dad and I drove back to Lincoln to get more clothes and to water mom's plants. She loved plants so much they were everywhere. I loved watching her talk to them. She would even play music for them and sing.

She decided one day that she wanted to go to Lincoln and spend time at her own house. Dad and I tried to talk her out of it but she wouldn't hear of it. "I am the one dying so I want my wish granted," she growled. We brought her home though she was not to leave Omaha. Her energy drained on the trip home. Her frail body had become weaker. She slept the whole time she was home. I made coffee for her and she couldn't stomach the smell. She was ready to ride back to Omaha.

I made sure that I bathed her and cooled her off since it was summer. She could barely walk to the bathroom. Her nurse would show up at the apartment to give her fluids through an IV and check her vitals. It got to the point that I had my child on my hip and mixing mom's IV bag at the same time. It was hectic at first and finally I got the hang of it. I cringed at the vile that I used to mix her medication from. It was a glass vile that I would have to cover the skinny end with an alcohol pad and break it open. I was in fear of cutting the crap out of my hand, I made it work though. I wanted to do that more than use the needle to insert the medicine into the bag. I shook so much I am surprised I didn't drop the needle or pass out.

The next morning I heard mom yell for me and not my dad. I ran to see what was wrong. She had messed herself and it didn't look good. I told dad what had happened and we rushed her to the hospital. I was worried I mixed her IV the wrong way. I was relieved to find out I did it right but I wasn't relieved to find out that she was getting deathly sick. I went back to the apartment without any clue of what would be next. My body was weak, my head hurt, along with my heart. I stared at the wall with only one thing on my mind and she was in the hospital.

Dad walked through the door with a somber face. "What are we going to do Diane?" His eyes welled with tears, he fell to his knees. "I can't lose her Diane; I don't want to live without her." I held my dad tight while I remained strong. "I am here dad, you won't be alone." I fought hard not to break down because I knew as soon as I did; dad would be the next one in the hospital. I got on the phone to call family with the news. I really wasn't ready to deal with them because they didn't like me. I am the step-daughter and I don't belong in the family. I called them, while living in a one bedroom apartment where I slept on the couch got pretty crowded as family arrived.

I felt like a sardine in a can with no one but enemies. I could not bear to stay there any longer. I told dad that I wanted to see mom. "Diane I really don't think you can handle seeing your mom in the condition she is in," he replied. I knew he was right but come hell or high water I would be there. I made it to the door. I had to wash my hands with antibacterial soap before I entered. I walked into this white box of a room with a hard chair, the smell of rubbing alcohol, and oxygen. I heard this noise that sounded like an inhale and exhale but in rhythm. I thought to myself," You should turn back." I kept walking slowly to the corner. I saw the white sheet over my mom's feet. My heart pounded, my body trembled, and I started to hyperventilate as I heard beep...beep...beep it sounded as the machined pumped. I saw nothing but tubes everywhere. Her eyes were closed; she had a tube that went from her mouth to a breathing machine. I looked at her as I followed all the tubes were hooked up to her lifeless body. My head seemed as if I were in the twilight zone. The walls closed in on me as everything started turning dark. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't talk my legs were jelly. I fell against the wall as I hyperventilated. The nurse had to pretty much carry me out of the room and provide a wheel chair.

Dad carried me to the car as I tried to gather my thoughts. "I want to go back dad, I have to!" I cried. "You almost collapsed Diane." He replied. I thought of the last thing I told my mom. I promised that I would not leave her side no matter what the consequence. I would be there till she stopped breathing. I stayed at the hospital day in and out just to take care of mom. I couldn't eat or sleep, all I could do was watch the machines hooked to her. The nurse entered the room only to find me wide awake by mom's side. "Young lady you need to sleep or you will be barred from here," She demanded. When she would enter the room I would pretend to be asleep because there wasn't any way in hell I would leave.

I sat in the cold, noisy room reading to mom. I watched as the breathing machine pumped up then down. I kept telling myself this is a nightmare. I lay there waiting for some type of sign that mom would open her eyes. I watched the heart monitor fluctuate numbers. I turned my head for only a second, alarms sounded as nurses gathered in the room. I was sent to the waiting room only to wait till they would let me back in. "why did they send me out, I don't understand, I want to see mom!" I waited in fear to see if my mom was gone. What will I do if they tell me she is dead?

The nurse came to the waiting room to let me know I was able to go back to my mom that it was a false alarm. I was so nervous just thinking it was the end for her. Come to find out she had started choking on her tube because she woke up from the anesthesia that kept her asleep. My heart fluttered all night as I watch the monitors and waited for them to sound again. My nerves just about had it that night; I was ready for mom to come home. Here I was again listening to the hiss of the breathing machine as it breathed in and exhaled for her. Then that annoying beeping sound of the heart monitor drove me crazy because I could hear it even when I slept. There was no sleep for me that night because I couldn't something about that night kept me from resting.

Mom never wanted to be on a life support machine, if she knew what I knew at that point there would be problems. The respiratory therapist stopped in to check on the life support machine. I talked to the guy and asked him if mom was on life support. "Yes, this is a maximum life support," He answered. I just about screamed when he told me that. I couldn't believe they lied to me and said it was just a breathing machine. I talked to the guy a little longer and soon I knew everything about the machine, when she breathed and when the machine breathed for her. The numbers he told me kept me on my toes because then I would know if she stopped breathing. I shouldn't have asked questions because by then I was glued to the machine. Leave it to me on asking too many questions.

That night I dreamed of angels and fancy gates whisking my mom away along with her long brown wavy hair, flowing in the wind with a long, lacy white gown. I reached out to her begging for her to take me with her but it was like she couldn't hear me. It seemed as if I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I woke up panting as if I ran a marathon; I didn't want to sleep again that night. I sat staring at my mom in silence as I wondered how long she would stay alive. I wanted so bad to just make her better but I couldn't. Chewing at my fingernails, I decided to read the Cosmopolitan magazine to mom, though I am sure if she were able to talk she would tell me to stuff it. She didn't like that magazine to well because she claimed most of it was bologna. I always laughed at her when she told me that.

Mom was and will always be my best friend; I always caught hell when I said something that didn't make sense because she knew how to get to me. It seemed to me we were more sisters than mother and daughter. She never let me down nor did she treat me like a child. I was more her confidant and best friend. We went through a lot together and I promised her that I would be there for her till the day she takes her last breath. I wanted so bad the day that I found out she had cancer to trade places with her so she wouldn't have to go through this but, I guess, it wasn't my turn. I suppose I was meant to stay on this earth for something. Mom passed August 19th of 98. I found that being there for others is what I do. It is also what I do best.