Love: An Act or a Feeling?

As much as I'm currently at odds with Christianity, I find much of its wisdom to be true, and that unsettles my atheistic inclinations. Of course the truth of the Bible's advice does not for me prove the existence of God or Christ, but it does make me wonder why the Bible is so despised. It's one of the greatest pieces of literature, right beside The Iliad or The Odyssey, so it deserves to be read at least for that. Okay, I'm digressing.

The Bible has a famous verse describing love, saying that it is patient, kind, long-suffering, never jealous, and so on. Love is definitely action. Well, for many months now I have used the word love to describe something very different, as if to deceive myself in order to feel better about it. The love I've been harping on for months was really only an infatuation. It turns out that by "love" I meant the mere emotion. That raw feeling that quickens the pulse and awakens a deep, resounding drum in the pit of the stomach. Its mesmerizing and blinding. Its boastful. Its makes outrageous promises of gold streets and pearly gates. I would die for this feeling! And in the rush of it, this emotion seems like God himself. So, this is love! This is what all the poets were obsessing over! It sweeps you up off your feet and whisks you through life with everything passing by in a blur.

All this fluff is better known as "falling in love," "first love," and "love at first sight." This feeling caught me unawares. I told myself that reading about Don Quixotic was quite enough. None of that emotional nonsense will catch me! But I think that's when it works its best magic.This feeling is at its best when there is no expectation of having it. It has a life of its own, and that's the most charming bit. The feeling is impetuous, renegade, and barbarous. It will get what it wants dammit! Naturally, this feeling only comes when it has an object, in this case it was a certain girl who I worked with. What a charming girl!

But now that I'm out of it, and can look at it from a historical perspective, the emotion looks rather silly. It looks rather small, puny. It looks like a babe, and maybe that's why the Greeks painted Cupid in the form of a baby. I became obsessed with the feeling. It was the feeling that I craved, but I needed the person for the feeling. This is not love in action. This is manipulation. This is self-gratification. Some people are satisfied with just that -- with just ending a relationship when the fire has cooled. I had "fallen in love" but I couldn't make the transition to "being in love" successful. I failed to transform the fickle "feeling of love" into the more permanent "actions of love." I wonder how that's done...