Love After Adultery

Were you in a relationship that ended because your partner committed adultery? How did it feel when you got back in the dating game? These questions and others were put to the Viewpoints Panel Members. Let's see what they have to say about falling in love again after going through the pain of adultery.

How long were you in the relationship that ended because of adultery?

Amy: 19 years of marriage.

Melanie: Almost 7 years, married for 5. (Though there were many other factors that SHOULD have ended the relationship, it took the infidelity to finish it for me.)

Michy: Which one? It seems that most every relationship I have been in in the past has involved some level of infidelity. I can't say 'adultery' because I was not married to any of them, and I think adultery requires being married. But one of my long-term seven year relationships ended in part because of infidelity. Another year-long relationship and three-year-long friendship ended due to cheating.

C D Clark: Two years

Elle: About 26 years, from the age of 21 to the age of 47.

How did you find out about the infidelity?

Amy: I suspected about it for a year and questioned him. On June 30, 2005 I got a very in your face answer and it was the best/worst day of my life.

Melanie: Cleaning out the trunk of the car, I found a notebook full of explicit letters back and forth. I suspected for quite a while before that as well.

Michy: The seven year relationship, the first time, he confessed to me. The second time, I asked and he admitted it, the third and subsequent times, I just didn't ask and he didn't tell me. The last time I 'caught' him was at his apartment where I saw him with the other woman, naked, asleep, passed out drunk, in bed with her.

The shorter relationship, I discovered it by accident when I stumbled upon a website he had created in order to communicate with her without my knowing. I didn't approach him on it right away, but by the time the relationship ended, the truth did come out, and he had been cheating for months.

C D Clark: I wasn't really sure, but I had my suspicions. He stayed gone a lot. Once, a couple of girls knocked on the door looking for him. He had that smell on him. I can't give a description, but it was different, it wasn't his smell.

Elle: I *was* the infidelity.

Did you leave the relationship right away?

Amy: With 3 minutes of hearing, those 'people' shout they loved each other I walked away from my marriage and never looked back.

Melanie: Yes, and it was about time.

Michy: Nope. For the first man, we became an on again off again relationship for over seven years.

For the second one, the relationship ended before I actually confronted him about the cheating.

C D Clark: No, I went to Gulf Shores, Alabama on vacation with some friends from work. In addition to suspected adultery, he was using meth, forged checks, and a bunch of other things. I went with my friends to decide what to do with him. By the end of the week, I made up my mind that just because the past two months he was behaving himself didn't mean squat. He'd already done the damage. He begged for not to divorce him. He knew I meant business when I started sleeping on the couch that morning I came home (I worked second/swing shift then). That was a helluva way to say, "honey I'm home." My mom lived with us at the time. She was happy.

Elle: Nope... took me about 15 years to leave after he married someone else.

How long did you wait before you began dating again?

Amy: I began looking on dating web sites and talking to men by September, so it had been 3 months. Never met any men offline until November for one date, and it did not feel right. Then I stopped even going to those sites until March of 2006. When I did not look as hard, a friendly man found me. We hit it off wonderfully and became friends that blossomed. Therefore, it was 9 months after my marriage ended that I became involved again.

Melanie: About 3 years, though it wasn't particularly dating as much as expanding a relationship with a friend.

Michy: During the 'off again' portion of the first relationship, I dated, but nothing serious. Once I finally ended the relationship for good, it was almost two years before I ventured out into something more serious again.

For the second relationship, we broke up in February, officially, and I started dating again in October, but Ryan and I were already friends for many years before we started to date in October of that year, so that helped with the trust levels.

C D Clark: Two months

Elle: I was dating all the meanwhile... he was married, after all, and in love with his wife (and me).

Did you find it hard for people you dated to gain your trust?

Amy: I met the current boyfriend on that same dating web site, for the first month we became rock solid friends. Never kissed, held hands, etc. Took me a long time to trust again and even in that first 6 months, at times it was difficult to trust. I knew he was faithful as we were together almost daily, but I was scared to say anything serious which might rock the boat.

Melanie: N/A

Michy: I trusted no one. Not sure I trust anyone completely at this point in my life, but there's a few people who have proven themselves who I trust now. It took work for them to gain that though.

The only reason I trust Ryan at this point in my life is because I've known him all of my adult life and part of my childhood too, and I've seen the integrity that man has. He wouldn't cheat. It's just not in him to cheat.

C D Clark: Not really, I only dated one guy and knew he was a whore-dog; it was just for pure fun.

Elle: No, but I think they found me rather compartmentalized.

Are you in a serious relationship again now?

Amy: Yes, that friend I talked to for the month before we began dating has become a steady thing. We have dated for 3 years now and he is a wonderful addition to my family.

Melanie: No

Michy: Yes, I am, and it's beautiful.

C D Clark: Yes, I've been married to my third husband for thirteen years in September and in the relationship close to fifteen years. I kind of like him.

Elle: Yes, I am.

What advice would you give someone getting back into the dating game after an adulterous relationship?

Amy: Do not give up on men, just because one is a pig and hurt you it does not mean all of them will. Also, take the time to become friends first before getting serious. Talk on the phone often in the first few weeks about everything in life but sex. Talking in a sexual nature will sex it up to be lust and not love if it is meant to be love.

Melanie: Recognize the warning signs. Trust your intuition. And realize when you might be over-reacting to be on the safe side. Remember that broken hearts heal and you have to take a chance if you want happiness.

Michy: We all make judgment calls about people and how they fit into our life. If you've been cheated on, it's important to realize that not everyone cheats, and to judge each person only on their actions and not the actions of someone who came before. If you were the cheater, well... it's important to analyze the reason why and avoid that pitfall in the new relationship.

Each relationship deserves to stand on its own merits. Each person deserves a chance to succeed or fail based on their own merits, and not some bar that was set by the person before.

C D Clark: Depending on what actually happened in the relationship: If you don't want anything serious, the field is yours, go out and have fun- but be careful. If you are looking for someone to share your life with, don't go off the rebound. Those things rarely work and chances are that person isn't looking for anything when you start telling him/her about how horrible the ex was. Wait awhile, take some time for yourself, enjoy your family and friends, don't hole up and punish yourself. Life has other great things in store for you.

Elle: Not all men (or women) are created equal. Everyone is capable of change, error, or redemption. Judge each person on their own merits, strengths, and weaknesses. Treat each person as an individual, and as the individual they are right now. Be open to love.

Seems the consensus is that love after adultery is possible. Take your time, love yourself, and go slowly. True love is waiting for everyone!