Love and Being in It

I've been married to my wife Sandy for almost fifteen years. However, I haven't been IN love for almost fourteen. "But Ash," you say, "Don't you still love your wife?"

Silly reader, of course I love my wife - I love her more than life itself. I just don't believe that loving someone and BEING in love with someone are the same thing. I have been IN love. It's a constant natural high that intensifies when you think of that special person. Your feet don't touch the ground, you can't help but smile, you greet everyone with a "Top-of-the-day!" attitude. Your stomach flutters at the thought of being with him/her, you think of no one else and you can't wait to see them again. Your mind races, your heart races and you hope beyond all hope that this person feels the same as you. If and when they say that they DO feel the same as you, there is no longer anything wrong in the world that love can't overcome.

That's an illusion created by a hormone-filled mind. As time passes you start to see who this person really is. Their quirks, their idiosyncrasies, their foibles - you start to realize that they are a human being and they have faults. The giddiness of being in love starts to fade, rapidly being replaced by the reality of human nature. It is at THIS point that you decide whether you truly do love this person or if it's time to start looking elsewhere. Fourteen years ago, after the fire in my soul receded a bit, I realized what a wonderful person Sandy is and just how much I love her. For the record, she's not "in love" with me, either. I am, though (according to her) the love of her life. I'm good with that.

I know a few people, mostly men, who are or were addicted to the dazed mental state that is "being in love". They would find a partner who was "everything I could ever want!" only to tell me three months later that they were sick of him/her and looking for someone new. I know this happens often - we can't expect to find a lifelong partner every time we meet someone new, but these people would wind up being "in love" four or five times per year over the course of twenty years. These are great people to hang out with if you want to live vicariously through others - and as a married man that's all I have. But hearing their stories, seeing how they live (and love) leaves me feeling that their lives must seem empty much of the time. Perhaps it's that emptiness that they're trying to fill.

Over sixteen years ago Sandy accepted me for who I was and didn't try to change me. She had been married before, as had I, and she knew what not to look for in a spouse, as did I. We made our mistakes the first time around and were not about to repeat them. We were not addicted to that "in-love" feeling and we used our heads instead of our hearts to make the important decisions, such as marriage and another child. If we'd made those decisions while being in love, our heads would have been overruled.

Sandy is the most important thing in my life. Everything else is secondary and though I don't often tell her, she knows. Sometimes I don't communicate well enough with her because in my head it seems like she should already know what I'm thinking - like she's the other half of my brain; the good half that works properly. She's always sympathetic to my needs, she puts everyone else's needs before her own, has a brilliant financial mind and a beautiful soul - she's the exact opposite of me in many, many ways. Perhaps that's why we seem to fit together so well; we compliment each others' shortcomings and strengths.

If you are fortunate enough to have found someone you still love after the thrill has passed, count your blessings because those people are hard to find. Don't take this person for granted or they may start looking for someone who won't. Don't tell them you love them only on Valentine's Day and your anniversary - tell them every day. Kiss them every day. Talk to them every day. And always remember that if you don't, there's someone out there who will.