Love is a False Goal

"Love is all you need." "God is love." "Ain't love grand?" "I love rock and roll." "Love - that's what makes a Subaru a Subaru." Everywhere you look in pop songs, high culture or religious holy writ, the word love is mentioned over and over again. Movies like the hit comedy "The Princess Bride" (1987) mention that "true love is the greatest thing in the world." The Bible, a considerable best-seller, mentions that of faith, hope and love "the greatest of these is love."

But What Is Love?

We all use the word "love" and have absolutely no idea what it means. Yet it must be great because everyone wants it.

But love does not exist. It's just a concept, like the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. They're nice ideas, but they don't exist. Although the word love is used for many different definitions, all of these definitions lead back to an empty idea that has no substance.

Types of Love

"But there are many different types of love", I hear you argue. "Perhaps you are just thinking of the wrong type."

Not really. The dictionary tends to define love as a verb with three definitions:

1) To feel affectionate or tender towards something, someone, a place or an idea

2) To feel sexual desire towards someone

3) To like something very much

So, in other words, you can love apple pie with whip cream, your Mother and a magazine nude centerfold, but not in exactly the same ways, unless you aim to do heavy jail time.

The Greeks claimed that love had many different levels, and that the highest was agape, or so much love for someone else that you'd gladly be killed in the loved one's place. That's not love. That's suicide. As we all know, attempting suicide is also not only a cry for help because of the emotional or physical pain, but a very selfish act. The living have to clean up after you dead, after all.

Love is Selfishness

Love is usually described as selflessness, but it's actually just the opposite. For example, in John 3:16, God "so loved the world" that He made sure His son was tortured and killed in perhaps the most devious way thought up by mankind. Only then would God "forgive."

Nice love, there, Dad. If God really loved "the world" then sacrifice of any sort, only begotten Son or not, would not be necessary. God demanded sacrifice because He is selfish.

And what about familiar love and love of country and all that happy crappy? When we love something, we can't help but expect to get rewarded for it. What mother doesn't expect at least a card on Mother's Day? If she doesn't expect one, she's lying. What soldier who risks his or her life at war expects to have benefits, medical help and a job when peace is declared? They are broken-hearted to discover their governments don't give a flying fig about them. The veterans held up their end of the relationship.

Real Love

Ideally, love is supposed to be just done for its own sake, but come on. The real world doesn't work that way. Love requires a vast investment of time, energy, money and personal risk of death. Those animals that reared their young had a far better chance of passing their genes on to the next generation. Really, human beings are no different. We feel a fondness or love for a person, place or an ideal because we get something out of it in return.

So, if real love does not expect anything in return, then the only real love is unrequited love. This is often seen as pathetic because there is absolutely no hope of the love ever being rewarded. In some ways this is pathetic. I can say that because I myself suffer from unrequited love.

Ever since I was 16, I've been in love with British singer-songwriter and humanitarian, Peter Gabriel. (You know, the "Shock the Monkey" guy? Yeah, him. Shaddap.) Now, even as a teenager, I knew I hadn't a snowball's chance with Peter. But I wish Peter well and hope he is happy. No, really, I do. At least it makes being alone and celibate has a bit more meaning.

But There Is Love For Everyone?

You ever this? There is a love for everyone? Oh, please. I got the big lecture over and over again that it was certain qualities that Peter had that I was in love with, not Peter himself. So, if I found someone with at least some of those qualities, I'd find love and this other guy would find love and we would live happily ever after.

I did give an honest shot with loving my boyfriends for who they were and not hold it against them for who they weren't. I even had myself convinced for a little while. But it didn't work out. The last guy tried to kill me, so that's it with romantic love as well as love for my fellow human being.

Why Love?

We love because we lack something. We are lonely; we need to be told we are good enough; we need someone to share the rent; we hear the biological clock ticking, we want to be a part of something bigger than ourselves -- or, we just want to shag Peter Gabriel (or whoever.)

All of this leads to alleviating our own pain and shortcomings.

Someone in love - even a new parent thrilled with a new baby or a convert to a new religion - is very much like someone suffering from bipolar disorder or manic depression. One day they're dancing on tabletops claiming that God will be sending them a new iPod in order to communicate messages to Alpha Centauri and the next day they're downing sleeping pills like M & Ms.

Comedian, writer and manic depressive Stephen Fry was asked if he could press a button and eliminate his manic depression, would he press it? "No," he said, "not for all of the tea in China."

Love is a mental illness that no one wants to be cured of. Not for all of the tea in China. But since it doesn't exist, except in our own diseased minds, we will never find it when we search for it. We race after rainbows for all of our lives, even though we know full well that there is no pot of gold to be had.