Love Finds a Place in the Twilight of My Years

I sit at the table in the early morning hours gazing out the window mesmerized by the stillness; the darkness. A cup of strong black coffee sits in front of me, steam rising, a magic potion to shake the cobwebs out of my sleepy head or alleviate the headache associated with an occasional hangover. My feline friend lays his head on my feet, rubbing his head against my slippers, oblivious to all other matters at hand. The refrigerator hums a soft melody. The only sound other than the beat of my heart.

As I look out the window, the seasons change before my eyes. Snowflakes gently fall from the sky covering the ground with a pristine white mantle. The spring rains dance on the rooftops. The birds chirp earlier as the light of the summer day comes near. A chilly autumn wind rustles through the trees and the leaves turning the colors of an artist's pallet fall from the limbs. Days turn to weeks, months, years and decades.

The twilight of my years is at hand. The last hawk soars overhead; a last sip of wine touches my lips. Reliving the past serves no purpose. "Irresponsible," shout some. "Sheer stupidity," clamor others. Yes, I agree.. I stand accused I have no defense, but fear no damnation for while God can perform miracles, even the Creator can not fix stupid. I do not wear the shackles of nagging regret of what might have been. Some good has been born despite my outrageous conduct. I can not change the past, but maybe my past will alter their future.

Yet, I have avoided one question which dwells in a deep dark corner of my soul. Unasked, filled with a ludicrous fear of hearing the truth I might answer. But in the twilight of my years, I no longer cower in the corner, terrified that my soul would abandon me should I dare to reveal the secret. Have I ever experienced true love?

Oh, I have uttered the words, "I Love You," the same as countless others , never flinching nor batting an eye. The words were expected, anticipated, something meant to hear, much like the introduction to a novel or symphony overture. Sometimes they are spoken as a meaningless phrase in self-defense or to reach the next level of sexual gratification. But love is an emotion and like the ocean has its ebbs and tides. Words for the sake of words have little value for the old adage 'actions speak louder than words' rings true.

Thus, I have answered my question. Words previously came from the throat; not the heart. An affirmative reply from the party of the second part was all that mattered or expected. No compromise. No romance. No friendship. Merely a travel along a straight line from one extreme to another. No tears shed for the extinguished flames.

So, no, I have never truly experienced nor known the value or worth of this emotion. Until the twilight of my years.