Love Hurts: A Story of Teenage Abuse

Abuse doesn't exclusively happen in adulthood. Statistics show that one in three teenagers has experienced violence in a dating relationship. Not all abuse, though, is physical abuse. What is equally as destructive, yet is less talked about, is mental and emotional abuse. One in five or 20 percent of dating couples report some type of violence in their relationship. This includes mental and emotional abuse.

I met him when I was seventeen. I had just experienced a traumatic time in my life. My stepmother, who was my best friend, had passed away a couple months before. I was extremely depressed and in desperate need of love and attention. Then he showed up. He wasn't extremely good looking, or rich, but he made me feel good about myself. I see now that he played into my vulnerabilities. He told me I was gorgeous, something I had never been told by another guy, and what seventeen year old girl doesn't want to hear that she is gorgeous? He gave me a necklace, a gesture that only dragged me in deeper. At first, I thought things were perfect. I thought HE was perfect. Then it all started to go downhill.

Homecoming Week is when it all started. I was a senior in high school, so Homecoming week was a big week for my friends and me. We had the Powder Puff football game, the pep rally, and the big Homecoming game. I was extremely excited, and I was telling my boyfriend about all the plans I had made with my friends. He got extremely angry and started to yell at me. "What about me? What about US? When are you going to spend time with ME?" I started to shake; I had never seen him this angry before, and I was confused at his anger. Since we had begun dating, he insisted I spend practically all my time with him. I was starting to blow my friends off, and they were starting to get angry with my lack of availability. I agreed to go over to his place immediately after the Homecoming game ended. At first, he was adamant that I skip the game entirely, but after I cried and begged him, he "allowed" me to go. This is one recognizable sign of mental and emotional abuse, when the partner attempts to control different aspects of your life, like where you go and who you talk to.

After Homecoming week, the controlling only got worse. I had to call him in the morning before I left for school and during my lunch period. After school, if I hung out with my friends in the parking lot instead of leaving school immediately to go to his place, he would question who I was with and what I was doing. Then, the accusations started. He claimed that I was cheating on him, seeing someone else behind his back. I didn't know how this was possible, seeing as how I was with him every waking moment that I wasn't at school or working (and we just happened to work together). I tried to defend myself, but he would just get angry and scream at me. He told me not to even bother breaking up with him, because no one would want me, and I would end up all alone again with no one to love me. Once again, he played on my vulnerabilities, because all I wanted was to be loved.

I was so entrapped that I didn't realize this wasn't what love was. I wanted out, but I didn't know how to get out. I saw my friends slipping away, frustrated that I had devoted my entire life to this boy. They didn't realize that I was too scared to get out. He had started telling me that if I broke up with him, he would kill himself. This was yet another play on my vulnerabilities. Over Thanksgiving break, a fellow classmate had committed suicide over her boyfriend breaking up with her. I saw the pain her boyfriend was in at the funeral, and I didn't want to have to go through that, so I stayed.

My boyfriend continued to demean me and threaten bad things upon me if I broke up with him. This went on my entire senior year. He even gave me an engagement ring and told me we were going to get married after I graduated. I was too scared to say no. I spent all of my time outside of school and work with him. If I tried to spend time with my friends, he would page me every 15 minutes to check up on me. I felt trapped, but I didn't know what to do about it. I thought he acted like this because he loved me and he cared about me.

Somehow I managed to get away for Senior Beach Week, and this is when I reached a breaking point. Being away from him for an entire week gave me a whole new perspective on life. I saw what I was missing out on, and my friends helped convince me that I needed to get out. Their intervention gave me the strength I needed to end this mess that was my life.

I decided to break up with him after I got back from Senior Beach Week. And I did, except it didn't quite go as I had planned. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He started to stalk me. I had started a different job to get away from him, and he came by my work all the time, bringing me flowers and begging me to take him back. He left a dozen voice mails for me daily, crying and pleading, shouting and saying no one would ever want me. One night, he followed me home from work, flashing his lights at me the entire way home. I was beyond terrified. I lived out in the country, so I couldn't run to a neighbor's house to seek refuge, and my father wasn't home, so I had no one to protect me. He got out of the car and claimed he had a gun and would kill us both. I wasn't sure if he was bluffing or not. He wasn't, but I didn't learn until later that the gun wasn't loaded. I'm not sure why, but after this incident, I received daily voice mails from my abuser for a while, then he dropped out of my life completely.

Why did I stay in the relationship for so long even though I was clearly being emotionally and mentally abused? In cases of mental and emotional abuse, the abuser sucks you in, making you feel like you have nowhere to go or no one to turn to. Sometimes, like in my case, they threaten to hurt you or themselves if you end the relationship. A lot of women stay out of fear. As a naive teenager, I thought I was in love, and that I would never find someone to love me again.

How can emotional and mental abuse be recognized? If your partner has to know where you are and who you are with at all times, is extremely jealous if you talk to members of the opposite sex, if they criticize you or try to undermine your self-esteem, if they try to make you feel like no one will ever love you, threaten suicide if you try and end the relationship, or tries to control what you wear, who you talk to (including your own family) or where you go, these are all signs of mental and emotional abuse. If you suspect a friend is experiencing abuse, don't feel afraid to intervene. Your friend, as I was, might be blind to what is really happening. Don't feel afraid you might lose the friendship if you confront your friend and they become angry at these accusations. It is better to have your friend angry at you than to have your friend dead.

Of the women between the ages 15-19 murdered each year, 30% are killed by their husband or boyfriend. Fortunately for me, it didn't escalade to that point, but had I not gathered the courage to end it, it very well could have.