Love or Loneliness: Remarrying After a Divorce

Being divorced is difficult. Being divorced and lonely is almost unbearable. Is this the reason that so many divorced women are heading to the altar a second time only to end back up in the divorce courts?

Often I hear, among divorced woman, is how badly they want to meet their next potential husband. Speed dating, blind dates, dating services (in-person and online), and social outings are just some of the avenues that people today are using to find love. Woman seems to spending a large amount of their time, and some of their money, to find a man.

Based on U.S. Divorce Statistics, women wait a median of 3.1 years before remarrying after a divorce. 54% of women remarry within five years. With a divorce rate of 67% among second marriages, I am asking myself if people are marrying again because they are finding people to love and love them in return or if it is because they are lonely and are so accustomed to being in a relationship that we rush to the altar without thinking.

Is it because we are used to having someone there that we are afraid to live alone? As a divorced woman, I can admit that it is hard being and living alone again. Even the task of taking out the garbage (something I didn't have to do before the end of my marriage) would bring a sense of longing within me. Not that I longed for my ex-husband, but just for anyone to share my life and home with again.

I've been married my entire adult life. I've never lived alone before, going from my mother's house right to my husband's. I didn't know what to do with myself after the marriage ended. I didn't really know the person I've become as an adult because all I knew was how to be one-half of a couple.

After this time, I went from one bad relationship to another; obviously choosing the wrong men to date. I was adamant on building a relationship that would lead to marriage that I was blinded by the choices I was making. When I steeped back and stopped husband hunting, I saw the truths that were keeping me from finding love.

Get to Know Yourself

It isn't a surprise that we lose apart of ourselves when we are in relationships. This is especially true for women. We are conditioned to follow and obey our husbands, which leads us to be more and more their wives and not really our own person. That is why we should take some time to get to know the women we are before jumping back into another relationship. Relearn your likes and dislikes. Get in touch with your dreams and goals. Take this time as a healing and reflective period or a period to reinvent yourself into the person you really want to be.

For me, I went back to school, got health conscious, and started taking time just for me. I always wanted to be a career-woman, so I do everything in my power to reinvent myself into that (going to school, getting the degree, and then getting the career). I know who I want to be and am taking the appropriate steps to become that person.

Start to Loving Yourself

If you don't love yourself, no one else will. If you don't like the person staring back at you in the mirror, then change the things you can change. But, you also must accept the things that you can not change. It has been said that men are very attracted to self-confidant women; but don't do it for that fact alone. Love yourself because you are deserving of love.

Find a Hobby

I am not stating this fact in the thoughts that you will never remarry. It is not as if I am telling you to go and buy a half-dozen cats or something. I am stating this for your own well-being in or out of a relationship. You should have something in your life that brings you joy and contentment, and is just for you. Even in a relationship, a man shouldn't be your only source of happiness. That is a lot of pressure for anyone to live up to and most people wouldn't want that responsibility. Would you?

Reacquaint with Friends

If you are like me, some friendships drifted one I became a wife and mother. It is not as though I didn't want to be their friend anymore or loved them any less. The reality is I didn't have or attempted to make the time for them anymore. If I had kept some of those connections to the real me, I wouldn't have completely lost myself into my idea of what a perfect wife should be. Plus, I would have had the support system to get me through the divorce.

Everyone needs friends, a support system of some sort. You will probably still be lonely at some point, but good friends will make the waiting period much more baring.

Stop Chasing and Sit Back and Relax

Take out the pressure of trying to find the right mate. Make yourself available and sit back and allow things to process naturally. You will be more relaxed and able to make the right, well-thought out, choices when choosing another mate.

Love is the most powerful human need. Because it is so sought after and desirable, other things often are mistaken for love; such as, lust, infatuation, and the innate need to cure loneliness. Make sure when you marry again it is for the right reason. And, make sure when you love again it is the real thing.