Love & Marriage

Years ago, there was a very funny television show that was called « Married With Children ». I loved watching the dynamics of a dysfunctional family of a couple who love to hate each other and children who have no faith none whatsoever in their parents. While that couple mocked each other on every single occasion and they tried their best to make the other person's life miserable they remained together. While the show was hysterically funny and exaggerated at times, it depicts marriage in a sincere yet comic way.

I wrote about love before and also about marriage so I decided this time to combine the two together in one article. When, I thought about it I questioned if the two can actually be combined. While we all like to think that we marry for love, marriage and love itself I believe are different. Sure, this kills the romance for many romantics out there but my reasoning holds true enough to make me correct.

First of all, not everyone marry for love. For example, some people get married because they came to an age where they felt that they should be married and therefore they just pick a person that they feel they can live with and tie the knot. This marriage, surprisingly, survives because the two understand that this is not really romantic relationship but a contract to live together in peace and make a family. Some even believe that love will grow later. While many argue that this is backward thinking but it is still practiced around the world with many success stories. Now, can we say they married for love? Absolutely not. Yet, they are married and may be living happily too.

Some marriages exist because of a mistake. So, the couple involved might have liked each other enough to have sex and that lead to a baby, which forced the man to marry the woman. Sure, the man did the right thing but would that relationship hold if that woman did not get pregnant? Some of these marriages collapse quickly and some survive but again it is a marriage that is not based on love.

Then of course there are the business marriages. These marriages are usually for people who belong to an elite high class and they want their son or daughter to marry someone from the same class. This is actually very common and has been going on for hundreds of years and it still exists to this day but of course it is rare in comparison to the marriages that occur every day. These marriages again are not based on love but solely on social class. On the same level, sometimes people are married to combine businesses. These marriages are again just like a contract and the couple involved may not love or even like each other at all and each person usually has a double life but keep a good public image for their « prestige ».

There are also the « I got married two young » marriages. These occur because two people think they are in love and they are good for each other. That occurs usually between the ages of 17-24. I consider this type of marriage to be wrong even if the couple claims to be happy at the moment. It is wrong because at a young age both partners are inexperienced and lack knowledge to how the other person really is. Furthermore, they lack the maturity to withstand problems that occur in normal marriages and sometimes that could result in clashes and finally a divorce.

Also, there are the marriages with benefits. For example, if you were an American citizen, many immigrants or illegal immigrants would love to marry you so they can become citizens as well. On the other hand, if you were really rich or somewhat rich some would love to marry you for the money. Now of course, you may not know this at the time of the marriage and you may be duped into marrying this person because they supposedly love you for who you are and not for what you will contribute to the marriage. Some of these marriages end quickly once the other person finds the truth and sometimes it ends very dramatically.

But surely not all marriages are so melancholic. There is the beautiful bond between two different strangers who come together as one and decide to live together and make compromises to live a happy life and fulfill each other's needs. But, how often does that happen and for how long. Just by looking at the numbers in the United States 1 out of 2 marriages end up in divorce. Divorce rates around the whole world are escalating. Some western countries went the other way and decided not to get married at all and just stay in a relationship. And even without a divorce, ask most married couples and they will tell you that they are not very happy or how marriage just sucked life right out of them especially with kids. Just sit in any starbucks or any restaurant and listen to a conversation between two married women and I can guarantee you they will be complaining about their husbands or their married life. Go to a bar and you will see the same thing from married men. Not only that, but affairs are also on the rise. There is even now a website dedicated to affairs for the married people!

So, why do so many people want to be married? The quick answer is: I have no idea. Yes marriage can be good and yes it solidifies the relationship but in my eyes I see it more of an act of ownership than an act of love. In any relationship before marriage both sides know that they can simply leave the relationships without major problems. However, once married a man or a woman think many times before going to that step and that is due to the social, legal and even religious aspect of it. Leaving becomes an encumbering and sometimes impossible task. Of course some people will argue that this why you get married so you do not leave or so you think twice about leaving. Will my question is: Is that really what you want? Do you really want someone who does not want to be with you, live with you? Because, that will become such an impossible way to live sooner or later.

So, does that mean that I don't want to get married so I can leave at any time? No and that is a negative way to think about it. I am stating that a relationship built on love is much more higher than a simple contract. I believe that if you love someone you stay with them and when you do not love them anymore then you should not be with them. That is the difference between marriage and love. Because, in marriage you stay even when you do not love the person anymore and in love you just stop. Maybe, that is not a romantic way to think of it but in my mind it is. Sometimes, even married people who come to the conclusion that the marriage should stop even when they love the other person do it out of love. Because, they know that their love alone cannot fix the relationship or they know that if they stayed their love toward each other will end. I believe that is where the famous saying « if you love something set it free » come from. I truly believe that because to me that is pure love. Now, the question is when it comes back do you get married? I believe that is up to you.

I don't think that marriage is evil but I think it has the potential of ending love because when you are married you are forced to stay in that marriage. However, when you are free and you chose to be with that person then you truly do love them. Yes you might make mistakes but that happens if you are married or not. We are only humans. We are born to make mistakes. The idea is to learn from them.

So, do not push, rush or force a marriage. Let it come naturally. Do not get married because it is the right thing to do or it is the right time. You are not buying a house. You are making a life. Do not get married because you are getting older and it is what people do. That is the most absurd reason to be married for. Do not get married if you do not feel 100% like you want to be married no matter how sure your partner is. Imagine a beautiful dance performed by 2 dancers. The music starts, one of them stars moving so gracefully and the other starts good but then becomes shaky. Would that be a good performance? No. Even though one dancer was 120% sure of their ability the performance will still be bad. Like they say, it takes two to tango and it takes two to make a good marriage.