Love and Marriage: 8 Tips for a Lasting Marriage

As my 28th wedding anniversary approaches and as I see the difficulties around me for others to find "love" in this messed up world of ours, I do have to ask myself - what has been the success of my marriage. I mean, being married for 28 years is equivalent to being married for nearly 50 years, 25 years ago. Today, people seem to be more on their guard or playing more tricks than they did in my day. That's not to say, I didn't have that experience. Nevertheless, there is no doubt that love is not easily found in the air as it was 28 years ago.

One of my theories is that we have become more self- absorbed in our own needs and desires. Maybe it is society that puts pressure on us? However, we do have choices we can make to change that thinking. It does take a lot of time and effort that is necessary to create a good solid foundation for a long lasting marriage. And for some, perhaps it is not worth it. Today, we seemed to have become de-sensitized to divorce compared to my day.

In 1980, we had more defining roles in a marriage. Nevertheless, not to the point of our parents where the wife was more of a "June Cleaver" or "Donna Reed" type role model - believing that "to obey" was really an important entity for a successful marriage. There were divorces on the rise, but some of us still had the main principle of what a true foundation of marriage was to be based on - a combination of love with hard work.

Tips for a Long Lasting Foundation

1. Being a realist and not just "hopelessly in love" - Marriage isn't a romantic novel, so snap out of that thinking! You need to recognize that real love grows as it gets tested in time with the obstacles and challenges that life will throw your way. Marriage is a journey, enjoy the ride!

2. Honesty and Loyalty - If you cannot trust your partners, well, run don't walk to the nearest exit.

3. Communication - Do you know the old saying; "don't go to bed mad" is true? Well, you can go to bed mad, now and then; however, don't make a habit of it. It's important to recognize how you are coming across to your partner and vice versa. Both sides need to recognize that neither is perfect and both can be wrong. Most times the anger stems from little things that really have suppressed some bigger emotion. It's not his dirty socks on the floor that is driving you nuts, but maybe you just want him to pay attention to you and not as his maid. Try and talk with your intelligence more than your heart. Emotions are important to address and it is important to mirror back those emotions to your partner. Nevertheless, intelligence of the mind will win hands down over emotions any day.

4. R-e-s-p-e-c-t - You have to have respect for each other. We are individuals first, with individual needs. You don't always have to do every thing together. Let's face it. It was our individual qualities that attracted us to the other in the first place.

5. Don't take things personally- This is probably the hardest area to work on in a marriage. I think it took me the first 20 years to conquer this one. It's so easy to bring our baggage in from our single life or our childhood into a marriage. When we bring in our past baggage into a marriage, there is a tendency to have a lower self esteem about ourselves, especially if it was due to a negative experience. Therefore, we take what is said more personally, rather than constructively.

6. Recognizing it's an equal partnership - I believe in defining roles just like it would be in a business partnership - not by gender but based on each other's skills. Now, that doesn't mean the roles can't change. However, both sides should understand what their contribution is for the partnership.

7. Love is never having to say "I'm sorry" - Well, that might have been good for Ali McGraw in "Love Story" but that is not being realistic in marriage. Always tell the other person you are sorry and that your intention was not to hurt them. We all say things in the heat of anger that we normally would not have said. Saying your sorry doesn't necessarily mean you were wrong and they were right. It means what it means - you're sorry it happened.

8. Don't take yourselves too seriously. You have to laugh because after you go through all the difficult times you have in a marriage; you realize how insignificant some of "the bad times" were. And as you get older and realized you made it this far, you might even forget what were considered "bad times" when you were younger. The only problem to that is it may take you 20 years of marriage to learn this. Nevertheless, marriage gets even funnier as you both start growing older; blaming the other for moving your eyeglasses only to realize you had them all along.

There really is no ideal recipe for the long lasting marriage. However, like many recipes I have tried in my life, there are some good ingredients you can accumulate and tweak to your own style. Take it from an old timer. It's worth the effort if you do get through the troubling times most people do experience in marriage which are the kids and finances - because after that is gone, it's pretty much a baked cake to be enjoyed together!