Love Me, Accept Me, but Please Do Not Desert Me

"Love me, accept me, but please, please never desert me"! This is what I saw in the eyes of so many children as they arrived at my home, paper bags with tattered belongings clutched in their arms. They may have stood with belligerence, defiance in every action....but the eyes had the same message, a message they were unable to hide.

My children all came to me from many economic backgrounds, two parent homes, broken homes, natural parents, and adoptive parents. Many had been deserted more than once in their lives and because of this had limited ability or desire to love. Attachment Disorder is common in children who have had disruptions in their bonding during the formative years between birth and the age of five, but I also know this can be overcome.

I am of course a strong believer in adoption. Every child deserves to be loved and protected and has the right to grow up in a home with family to call their own. No child is guilty of any sin or has any karmic punishment that should deny them this. Children are born into this world innocent of the atrocities of mankind until they are molded by the environment around them. All though traits can be genetic, and contributed to by the prenatal care of a biological mother, how those traits are channeled or not channeled can only be decided by those raising the child, and only until a time when the child starts choosing their own paths in life.

Failed Adoptions are one of the saddest things I have seen. Rejection is one of the hardest experiences any human must deal with, but for a child rejection can cause life long problems. Trust is broken, relationships suffer, and the more they are rejected, the more they will ensure future rejection. In believing they will be rejected, they create situations to vindicate and facilitate this belief. And a vicious cycle is created that may last through an entire lifetime.

Why do adoptions fail? There are many reasons for this. My personal observance has led me to believe most adoptions "fail" because of un-realistic expectations on the part of many new parents and because of a misunderstanding of what is normal behavior versus abnormal behavior. Honestly, with any child - between the ages of 11 years and 17 years old - almost NOTHING is abnormal. Sometimes nothing you can imagine will prepare you for the stranger your child can become. Even for biological parents these years can be the most trying at times.

Unfortunately, when your child has been adopted, the thought is in the back of your mind. Humans have a need to decipher and analyze. When your child turns into the nightmare from hell and you are desperately searching for answers, and something to blame - you may find those answers in the fact your child was not born of you. Nothing is more draining on both a parent and an entire family than a child who encompasses every waking moment with disruption. Children are very needy at this age of transformation and sometimes will do anything to get their needs met, good or bad. Many children end up in the juvenile system during these years, but we don't call it "Failed Parenting" when the child is your natural child.

Why? When our children become strangers to us it is human nature to find a reason, to lay blame on something, anything that could have turned our sweet baby into this monster! There has to be a reason! We search, we agonize, and we wonder constantly what caused this. Was it me? Was it their friends? What, what, what?! The answer is most often, right inside the child themselves. When I was young, my mother would tell you I was the perfect child. Then one day she woke up and I was gone. I had no thought that my mother was agonizing over this, and did so long past the time I was a grown woman. Through the years people asked me why? What happened? What made you run away? I could have picked up on any of the excuses they suggested to me. But in all honesty - I made me run away. There was no one defining incident or reason that caused this. It was simple. I wanted to see the world and did not want to wait for the world to find me. Honest, simple. There was nothing my mother did or could have done to change the way I was.

My mother searched for somewhere to lay blame, while all along there was no place to lay it except on the uncertainties of life itself. This is what we as parents do...we want ANSWERS. Answers we may never find, because there are no blue prints, no rules, no design to follow when making another human being. There is no answer, no excuse - it just is. Except...when your child is adopted....you give yourself an answer. You have a place to lay blame, to vindicate, and to have closure. You have a "failed adoption".

I, like many other "juvenile delinquents" turned out to be a decent contributing member of society. Why? Because my mother did not give up on me - she continued to love me and never "threw me away". She taught me the basics when I was young and after many paths and life discoveries, I came back to those basics on my own. I knew I could go home.

If a child knows they can go home when they are ready to follow rules and to not be self destructive, most will get to this point. But with a child who has been adopted, they know deep in side that someone already gave up on them. You can tell them it was done with love, you can say "you are special because I chose you" - but no matter what we say or do this child has been "thrown away" somewhere in their subconscious. When they are sent away by their new parents who "chose" them, this thought creeps up out of their subconscious and tells them they are now being "un-chosen" - as they were before. And a pattern begins.

I am the mother of an adopted child. There are many moments when even I, who have loved and parented many children, both biological and not biological - find myself searching for answers in the same way. But I take a step back and remind myself the behaviors are not exclusive to my adopted child - that I too was over emotional and selfish in many ways at the same age and I was a natural child. I have already survived the younger years and all the damage my child endured before coming to me. People told me constantly "Send that child away or it will be the death of you!" And I always had the same answer "This is a human we are talking about, not a piece of garbage! Would you throw away your child?"

We are not supposed to throw humans away. They are not a jacket, or a toy, or a piece of art to be thrown out when they no longer suit us. The reality is, sometimes humans give more care to one of those objects than to another human being. I understand there are times when nothing you do seems to help your child, and that becomes the time when only they can help themselves. By a certain age, it is best sometimes to let go. Not to throw them away, but to let them go. Even then, it is important to make sure they know the difference.

When you decide to adopt a child, you must search your heart and throw out any pre-conceived notions or expectations you have on parenting, because life likes to throw us curve balls all the time. Chances are your child, natural or adopted, will not be what you expected. If they were, they would be robots, not humans. It is the same reason each person's DNA is their own, unique only to them. Adopting is no different than the responsibility and commitment you take when you decide to give birth. You are saying that you take this job, this commitment, good or bad, for the rest of your life. Relationships of any kind should not be considered mere contracts to be broken when ever the returns are not what you expected. We as a society have made everything disposable. Even love.

In the world as we now know it, we can decide to be or not to be parents. Birth control is available in many forms, now even in many of the poorest of societies. Abortion is legal rather we believe in it or not. We have social programs to make sure every parent can feed and cloth their child in our country, so no longer is there a need to let your child go because you can not afford to raise them. Why are there still so many children without homes? Lack of complete and total commitment.

There are no guarantees on a child. There is no promise of who, or what they will turn out to be. They are not you. They are their own, one of a kind, human being. You can mold a piece of clay into a pot, throw it in the kiln, and it comes out a circle. Know this, understand this, do not just say it, but actually know it the day you give birth or the day you adopt. And when times become rough, and you seek answers or excuses - remember - there are none. NONE. You don't need them. Just continue to love your child, let them know you are still there and will be there when they choose their paths in life.

If you can not do this, then do not give birth. Do not adopt. A child who has been "deserted" only once has a better chance of emotional survival than one who has experienced this repeatedly. There is no shame in choosing not to take on a task, only shame in not following or completing one chosen. If you choose to make this commitment to love another human being...do so with the thought of forever.

The best advice I can give you...never let the word "failure" into your life or your child's, and think of child rearing just like labor...waves up, waves down. No guarantees, no promises, just the miracle of creating another human. Adoption is like any other form of parenting....nothing different except the beginning. Is does not matter how you got the job...only how you fulfill it.