Love at Midlife and Later: The Romance Roller Coaster After Forty

I did the deed a few months ago, confident that the third time was the proverbial charm. At just shy of fifty years old, I figured I'd made nearly every possible mistake in terms of family and relationships. I'd taken a lengthy sabbatical from any and all relationships in an effort to get a truly fresh start on life with a partner. I was ready to enter what I was sure would be the best relationship of my life. I met the man of my dreams, fell in love and got married.

Well, I thought I was ready, anyway.

As it turned out, the learning curve for love is pretty consistent even with the right person at the right time. Nothing is ever as easy as expected, the best-laid plans of mice, men and grandmammas notwithstanding.

Time for Love is Still Time

Half a lifetime can generate a whole lot of personal idiosyncracies. At the mid-century point, there's no such thing as finding a partner with no personal baggage. By the time someone hits their forties or fifties, kids are grown and grandchildren are part of the picture. Ideally both parties have happily embraced the empty nest syndrome and are glad for the opportunity to focus again on their own romance, while willing to take on the other half's various family units (and occasionally exes and exes' family units.)

Of course those of us who are parents never really get away from that aspect of reality. Just because kids hit the age of 18 and over doesn't sever parental ties and parental worries. The scope of the worries merely expands and multiplies to meet the new set of criteria associated with so-called adulthood. When grandchildren are added to the mix, that's another set of child-centric worries, too.

The one good aspect of midlife romance is acceptance. Grandkids are liable to be young enough to welcome a step-grandparent, and grown children are more likely to accept a new stepparent without a fuss. While that factor doesn't remove all problems associated with the "step" syndrome, it goes a long way in the right direction.

Trouble is, some details of a love life never change.

The Straw That Broke The Camel's Temper

As with earlier life relationships, a mid-life love is a meeting between two individuals, each with distinct personalities and histories. That's not automatically a bad thing. Not many people want someone who's their clone, at least not in the long run. A couple who's too much alike will eventually get on each other's nerves or bore each other to death.

Half a century's worth of habits don't evaporate in the warmth of a loving relationship. My husband's pet peeve with me is that I am a dedicated slob. It's limited to my computer desk, nightstand, and the tendency to tuck my shoes under a table rather than putting them in the closet or under the bed, but the end result drives him crazy. I have my limits and have pointed out to him that in our current living situation, storage is at such a premium that I really need to buy something to store my shoes. I have about seven pair, I think, counting two pair of bedroom slippers that were gifts from my daughter. I need to get rid of some that I can't wear any more. Even so, that's a lot of shoes to try and sort out without a genuine-article rack or other organizer.

What's Good for the Goose is Good for the Wooden Shoe

My Better Half is from the opposite side of the world. He was born and raised in the Netherlands. You'd think that alone would represent a huge difference between us. Nothing could be further from the truth. Despite the fact that he grew up speaking a different language and living in a different country, we have more in common than anyone could imagine. The cultural differences are mighty close to nonexistent.

Does that mean we have no significant differences outside my footwear-related issues?

No such luck.

See, much as I love my new husband, he's got a habit that makes me insane. He's a procrastinator extraordinaire, capable of leaping tall promises at a single bound, slower than a speeding tortoise, more powerful than... Well, you get the idea. He's also proud to be a cheapskate. I'm glad he's thrifty in nature, but it definitely gets him into trouble from time to time. He tells me not to take the car in to get the oil changed, because he'll do it. Several thousand miles later, he's still promising to do it and telling me not to take the car in to get the oil changed. (Fortunately I learned not to wait for him to make good on his promises.)

That's just one example, but it's enough to illustrate how it's the little things that can undermine a middle age relationship just as effectively as they can topple a younger one.

Searching For Love In All The Online Places

I met my husband online, through a free dating service. The idea would once have raised eyebrows and generated a great deal of gossip. Now it barely engenders a yawn.

For people of all ages, the Internet is a daily reality. It's integral in our lives. It therefore just makes sense we'd want to connect with people through this medium. The world has become our community. The world has also become our dating pool.

When you think about it, it's not such a new idea. An online romance is tantamount to a mail-order bride (or groom.) Prospective companions exchange emails and instant messages and probably photos. The bottom line still boils down to written communication. Lies happen in that context, obviously. Lies also happen in face-to-face relationships, and you can bet that lies happened in the heydey of the mail-order brides. There are some advantages to the current arrangement that our ancestors didn't have.

When looking for love online, tracing a history becomes a little simpler. Pedophiles and other predators still graze for victims, but the savvy perusal will include a background check, verifying that "Love Bundles" is who he or she claims to be, that there's not an attached prison term or other unsavory past. Nothing's guaranteed. It is, however, a little simpler to weed out the obvious losers.

Taking it to the Outer Limits

Despite the fact that there are still plenty of bumps and ruts in life's road, love in midlife is a vast improvement over the younger and more impetuous version. Your expectations change, morphing into something that more closely aligns with reality. Those of us self-dubbed "BOCA" (Babe Of a Certain Age) know that the bad boys really are bad. We give them a wide berth and leave them in our dust. Men in their fifties begin to figure out that those twenty-something ideals are mighty high maintenance and offer precious little peace in return. The give-and-take of a relationship starts sounding pretty good, particularly when thinking in terms of having fewer years ahead than behind.

Love in midlife is more financially healthy, too, as a rule of thumb. Unless you're among a very few of questionable judgment, chances are you're not looking to have children with a new love when you're in your forties or fifties or beyond. Careers are probably established, finances are set for each and the blended income more than likely aligns with a shared vision of retirement and stability. While I can't speak for anyone else, I practically gave my new spouse the third degree before we married, determined not to fall for the same irresponsible species I'd married previously. (In this, at least, I was 100 percent successful.)

By the same token, both partners bring concerns for their grown children and grandchildren - concerns that often include financial worries. Again, though, experience will increase the likelihood of striking a happy medium.

The Bottom Line

When everything is said and done, love doesn't change much. It's got its ups and downs, its joys and annoyances. Midlife love, though, may just be the best of the best. Sex has shifted from a mystery to a comfortable, desired and much-welcome friend. There probably aren't a lot of sexual hangups or unrealistic expectations on either side. If there's a matter of question or dissatisfaction, it'll be addressed without hesitation or apology.

Money matters are largely set. In fact, there's a better-than-average chance that at fifty or so, you and your spouse start talking IRA and 401K before you start talking marriage.

But perhaps the best aspect of all is that while the shoe issues and procrastinations can stretch tempers, it doesn't take nearly so long to regain perspective.

After all, what's a shoe under the table when it means someone who just wants to spend the rest of his or her life with you?