Love's Tragic Memories

I've never been good with men. My heart has been battered, bruised, shattered, and ripped out of my chest. My childhood has been tainted with bullies and monsters, and I never knew love. I denied love by denying those that could have loved me, but I wanted to be hurt instead. It was a vicious cycle, one that kept me on spin, so no, I've never been good with men. And I remember the ones, who hurt me, and I remember the one, who left me for dead.

I never had luck with Maryland. The first time I went there was for a Star Trek convention. I went with a man, whose heart I toyed with. He could have loved me, if given a chance, but I was beyond love. I was broken, and I wanted to hurt, hurt someone. He was it, and I would always be sorry for what I've done. But that mistake nearly cost me my life.

I separated from him and his friends. There was an event going on in one of the rooms, so I took a seat, watching in anticipation. A man took a seat beside me and slowly struck up conversation. Before I knew it, we were in the lobby, talking like old friends, and he held the entrance door open for me. There was something that he wanted me to see outside, something in the parking lot, but a hand grabbed me by the arm. Nobody was there, but someone held me still, whispering that if I went, I would never be seen again. I listened to the voice, and the man grew angry, frustrated. He stormed into the men's room like the fox with sour grapes, and I left to go to my room. It would take some time before what would've taken place really sunk in, and I swore to never return here again.

But here I was. It was 2000, and my friends had gone on to Ocean City, Maryland. There were so many signs not to go. We picked up a friend in the city, only to come out to find both tires slashed. That should have been the straw that broke the camel's back, but I still went. I went for him. I went because I could have loved him.

He was a funny guy, warm, and loving. His arm dangled across my shoulders, and I felt happy, which was a rarity in my life. His eyes sparkled, and he laughed. I laughed, and he asked me to go. There were the signs, but then there was him. Maybe, just maybe, I finally found the man of my dreams.

Once back in Maryland, everything just went wrong. He acted like we were nothing more than just friends. We were the last ones to leave, and he took his time. When we were alone, he grew serious and told me to take a seat. Never a good sign, but I did as he asked. And then, he broke up with me.

It felt as if someone had taken a knife and rammed it straight into my heart. You should never have come, a voice whispered, but I came here. I came here for him because I was led to believe that we could've, would've been something so much more. He gave me all the wrong signals, and our wires got crossed. And now he cut them apart with knife in hand, and I was once again hurt. I was enraged.

We stood at the curb, waiting to cross the street. He would not look at me. He was done and just wanted to go home. I wanted to scream, but instead, I stepped off the curb, trying to put distance between us. But I never saw that car coming.

In a blink of an eye, I was back on the curb. The light was still red, and he was looking away. I knew something had happened, but what? What just happened? The car hit me, and it was over. But here I am, standing near him. Was I saved?

Ten years passed. I was working in an office now with an older woman, who loved to laugh and smile. I barely laughed and smiled, and there was no man in my life. I was done. I was done being hurt and done doing the hurting. I just wanted to be left alone.

"I have a gift for you," my coworkers said one day.

"You didn't have to." I was sitting in a chair before my computer. The paperwork was building up as usual. "Really. You didn't have to." She stuck a key chain in my hand, patted me on the shoulder, and then took a seat behind me. "Thank..." My mouth dropped open.

"Something wrong?"

"No." I swallowed hard. "No, thank you." I stared at the key chain. "Thank you." The key chain had three words on it: Ocean City, Maryland.

"My kids just came back from there," she said. "I don't know why, but I just had a funny feeling to give it to you." She rose from her chair. "I'll be right back." She left the room.

"What the hell," was all I could say. Why was I given this? What was the message here?

I stared at the key chain in my hand. It was a foot. How ironic. I was one footstep away from death, one step away from a love denied. He broke up with me because I was leaving for college, and he did not believe in long distance relationships. He was cruel, and my life could've ended in a blink of an eye. But it wasn't. I was still alive, and maybe that was the message. Or was there more to it than I realized?

I popped open a drawer and dropped the key chain inside. I slowly closed it, and my hand hovered over the smooth, wooden surface. I was alive, but I wasn't. I know this, and I know that I hated being alone. Life wasn't so complicated, though, and I never had any luck with men. They were never the white knights in my story, and I was far from a saint. So, what was the message? How long would it take for me to actually understand this moment in time? A week, a month, ten years?

"You okay?" My coworker had returned with a cup of coffee. "Want some?"

"No. I don't drink coffee." I watched her return to her seat. "I have a lot of work to do."

"Don't we all," she said. "We just can't forget to live our lives."

"You don't say?" It was interesting that she said that, but I couldn't say anything.

8:30 a.m. Another day was beginning, and soon it would all end. I would return to this desk to do it over and over again. It was like a prison sentence, and in prison, there was no living life. There was just biding time and survival. Was that what I had become? Was love finally lost? Would this be where I would end? My fingers stretched over the keyboard, and as my thoughts swarmed around in my head, I could feel myself disappear. But, maybe, it wasn't too late. Maybe, just maybe, there was still some hope left for me.