Loving Unconditionally

I picked up Julia's (my eldest daughter) assessment report today. I thank God that she is doing very well at school. Her teacher had only good things to say about her that made me a very proud mom. On my way home 'though, God impressed something in my heart. I remembered Arwin.

Arwin is my husband's nephew. When he was 5 months old, he had Bacterial Meningitis, an inflammation of the protective membranes covering the brain and the spinal cord caused by bacteria [Wikipedia]. My husband, then still a bachelor, helped in financing for his medical needs. When we got married, Arwin, about 2 years old, came to live with us up until now. We love him and treat him like our eldest son.

I have had no issues concerning Arwin and his place in my heart and in our home. Not until lately. Since I am at home all the time, I get to observe his behaviours and had a hard time understanding him. Most of the times, I easily get impatient towards him as compared to my two little girls. I became personally involved in his studies and be frustrated at the results of his exams. His every failure seemed to be mine as well.

One night, as I was preparing for my devotion, I saw crumpled papers at the back of our printer. As I was about to throw them away, I noticed they were Arwin's test papers. My heart sank upon seeing his failing grades. Apparently, he had hidden them so we won't see. I felt that all my efforts were useless. All the time I spent with him in our reviews were in vain. What could the problem be?

In my despair, I searched via Google and led me to ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). There are three primary characteristics of ADHD; inattention, hyperactivity and impulsivity. What I found out confirmed our presumption about his behaviours. On the three characteristics, Arwin passed all the symptoms of ADHDi (inattention)* as follow:

• Doesn't pay attention to details or makes careless mistakes
• Has trouble staying focused; is easily distracted
• Appears not to listen when spoken to
• Has difficulty remembering things and following instructions
• Has trouble staying organized, planning ahead, and finishing projects
• Frequently loses or misplaces homework, books, toys, or other items

I read through the causes and effects, signs and symptoms, treatment and diagnosis and common myths about ADHD. Somehow, I was enlightened. It is said that ADHD has nothing to do with intelligence or talent. Many children with ADHD are intellectually or artistically gifted. There may be downsides, but there are also positive effects of ADHD. And that's what I resolved to do, to try to see the positive things in Arwin.

I also came across this very nice poem** written by a child that really crushed my heart:

Please accept me as I am
Do not ask me to excel intellectually or athletically
Love me, teach me, discipline me but please don't pity me
Believe that my life can bring honor to God in a unique way.
My weakness will demonstrate the power of God.
Look at me through the eyes of love.
See my gifts as well as my limitations.
Rejoice with me in each step I take
But do not compare the size of my steps to those of other children.
Do not face me into a mold that just will not fit
Remember, tell me of God's love.
Help me to meet and know and love God.

-Anonymous-

That night, I cried my heart out to the Lord in prayer. I asked Him to teach me how to deal with the situation properly. After my devotion, I wrote Arwin a letter, telling him that I love him despite his failure but I would be happy if he passes next time. I posted it on his diary. During the parent-teacher conference at his school, his teacher told me that Arwin showed my letter to him and cried as he read it. The more I resolved to be more understanding, more patient and more loving towards him, just like what my husband is doing.

Another quarter has passed. Last week, I saw his test results, as usual, it was the same as the last quarter's. Of course, I forgot about my resolutions. Out of disappointment, I blurted out hurting words. And realized too late that what I did was wrong. As Henry Wadsworth Longfellow said, "A torn jacket is soon mended; but hard words bruise the heart of a child."***

Earlier, as I look again on my daughter's assessment, God reminded me that every child is unique. That even if Arwin is not my biological son, he is God's gift to the family. That more than anything, he needs me to love and accept him just as he is.

He is a work in progress, with flaws and weaknesses, just like me. Yet Jesus died on the cross to save a wretched like me because He loves me so much (John 3:16). That is called unconditional love. And I pray that I will learn to give that kind of love to each of my children, especially Arwin.

*ADD & ADHD in Children, Helpguide.org

**Placement Options for the ADHD Child, mb.com.ph

***Everything Counts, God's Devotional Book Mother's Edition