Lower Our Standards to What?!

I have read several publications, heard several radio shows and have seen a couple of interviews (all within the past month) where black men are consistently telling black women to "lower their standards". What does that mean and what are they saying about black men on your behalf?

I am not a serial dater so I'm not certain what the "real" issue is. The men I have cared deeply for were educated on some level (HS diploma, some college, college degree . . .) with (seemingly) good hearts. I loved them for who they were and not what they had. I did not judge their past; because I'm not obsessed with yesteryear. And I did not think I was lowering my standards by being with someone who touched my heart. I have been in the military, worked in factories, corporate America and with law enforcement. So I have been around a very large and diverse male population. At no point in time did any of the men I work with ever say to me, "I'll ask you out if you lower your standards".

I know why I'm single. I do not need Steve Harvey, Micheal Baisden or any other man to explain my singleness to me. I have brothers, male cousins, brother-friends and a few guys who just think I'm a "really good person" who have consistently told me that "I'm nice" and that "that" may be the issue. The only issue I see with being single is that it bothers others a heck of a lot more than it bothers me.

Are we actually supposed to believe black men want emotionally crippled, sadistic, hormonally imbalanced, manipulative harpies who only want to take their money, emasculate them and keep them tied to the judicial system? Are men really these pathetic creatures who need to be pitied and patronized by women and trained in the manner you would a three year old child? Do men think so little of themselves that they believe a woman needs to "lower her standards" to conceive the mere notion of being with them? Is it all hype to sell books, gain a bigger listening audience or increase magazine subscriptions? Or is it all code to mask a need to be an infidel?

Katt Williams states in one of his shows of how a woman will leave a man because he lacks 2% of what she needs. Then he goes on to say the 2% is that the man has affairs; implying men (in general) cannot be faithful.

Steve Harvey (author of Act like a Lady Think like a Man) is on the cover of the December 2009 issue of Essence magazine. In that issue there is a roundtable discussion amongst a female staff reporter and five single men ranging in age from 24 to 39. The first question posed to this group of successful young men is, ". . . why are so many black women single?"

Joel Randell, a 39 year old journalist states -

"Women's standards are a little high. We're not all ballers. They want the man with the cars, the house, the executive job, the 850 FICO score . . . Women should lower their standards and give brothers a chance."

Thankfully 27 year old Wes Mapes continues that discussion by stating,

"I don't mind high standards. That means I have step up my game to play. The reason black women are single is because it's a buyer's market for men."

To suggest that ALL black men are requiring black women to lower their standards to be with them suggests black men are not capable of aspiring to any level of goodness or greatness. Has anyone checked out our current nation's president? This cannot be true. I'm not sure where this lackluster commentary is coming from. But the ambitious, outgoing, kind hearted, emotionally stable black men I have met are not accepting that they are less than and should be viewed as such.

The implication and suggestion which implies we all have learned our communication skills from the same source are asinine. All of these generalizations are not fair to anyone; but I think black men really need to pay attention to the stigma that is being put on them.

In the Dateline special "Black Women Unmarried" Steve Harvey tells several attractive and educated women to "lower their standards" and much like the comments above from Mr. Randell, he implies that the women featured in this segment are seeking men with high end jobs (NFL, NBA, CEO or some other catchy acronym). I only know from a personal note that a man who treats me with respect has a better chance than one with a lot of money. Biggie said it best, "Mo money Mo problems."

Fella's HELP! These men are speaking in general terms and ON YOUR BEHALF. Are you all really trying to tell us that you're incapable of monogamy and that you want your daughters to realize that they will never have a solid relationship with an honest man; yet they should settle for a mate who will potentially put them in line to be an AIDS candidate? Are you actually going to look your little girl in her eyes and say, "Baby, you need to understand that your man WILL have someone else on the side so don't fall for that LOVE crap?" Or will they know God is Love and that Lust is what wrecks relationships?

I'm just trying to understand this thing because I'm hearing it too much lately. So, is it all hype?

Again, this does not appear to have anything to do with why black women are single. As I sit here thinking about it, most of my friends are single - black, white, Asian, Latino, Bi-racial and multi-racial - ALL OF US! And we know why we're single. All of our reasons vary. But we're aware of who we are, what we want and where we see ourselves going. And none of us have painted a self loathing, infidel into the picture. And although we interact with the men we see taking our garbage cans to the curb; we smile at the guys who wash our cars; we thank (and flirt with) the maintenance men and we acknowledge the greatness and diversity in all men; we ALL get pegged as wanting a baller.

The last guy I dated (a maintenance man at my old apartment complex) told me I didn't "give him enough drama." I did not see his need for drama as my issue. I saw his need for drama as something he needed to talk to his therapist about in order to figure out why he needed drama.

Here's another point I noticed is mentioned in this entire dialog about black women being single. It is always suggested that women be more aggressive and make the first move. Then the same commentary will change to explain how black women and their attitudes are keeping them single. If you're aggressive you're probably going to have a really strong persona (attitude). It's a contradiction.

Seriously, you cannot clump all people together and think you know us all. If the attitude implication were true then I would not be consistently told by the men I meet and work with that I'm nice, kind, caring, generous, and giving. I work gang & crime prevention so I'm around an incredibly diverse group of men from all socio-economic ranges and ethnicities. If they all think I'm nice then by default men should be stampeding in my direction to court me.

So, can we have a candid discussion about this issue - that has nothing to do with black women being single; yet it appears to be another plot to suggest black men are not human beings but are more in line with the newly adopted, self loathing terminology of a beast.

I have nephews who love their wives and honor their relationships and take great offense to having other men state a woman should consider them "less" if she chooses them.

So . . . what's the real deal? Many women I know are dating and marrying prisoners (notice I did not say "previously incarcerated"). Women are now going to the jails to get a mate. How much lower are we supposed to go; corpses?

As Valentine's Day rapidly approaches and many single women will be out either alone or with their girlfriends enjoying delicious food and entertainment, look around and see if you see angry, resentful women. Or are you seeing someone who appears to be approachable and kind. Charlie Wilson has already helped with the intro line "Hi. My name is _____________________, last name ______________. I was wondering if I could . . . buy you a drink/appetizer/sit and talk/know your name/honestly get to know you.

Remember, Love does not come with drama. But Lust will set some crap off!!

Happy Valentine's Day to my brothers, cousins, brother-friends, past loves and the one who will eventually win my heart. You are worthy, you are warriors and we do not hate you!

Cheers!

Black Women Unmarried (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJGMAhWpDF8)