Lupus is a Scary Thing

I have had fibromyalgia for 10 years now, and while it is not an easy thing to live with, I've had plenty of time to get used to the idea. On Friday, at the doctor's office, I learned that I "probably" have lupus. I thought, having dealt with learning that I have one incurable illness already that I would not have a problem adapting to the idea of a second. I was a bit flip about it at first- sort of "well, what's one more incurable illness?"

But truly, this has not been so easy.

After the initial bravado wore off, I found myself in denial. The doctor had said that lupus was an odd bird, and that even a negative test result might not disprove my having the illness. I found myself thinking "well, the doctor can't have been right. If the blood tests are negative, that means I don't have the illness." And I went to hunt down research that said so. Except that I found far more research that said the doctor was right. That there are blood tests for lupus, but that said blood tests being negative may not disprove a lupus diagnosis.

I find myself flailing, oddly. I want to disbelieve this. I want to hold out for a blood test saying "no, you don't have this," but even if the blood work is negative, the doctor may still believe I do. And I don't want it.

I have not had to deal with this- I do not even remember dealing with this when I was diagnosed with fibro, truly. I went through so much with the fibro that a diagnosis was a relief. Finally having a name for what I had was freeing. I did not have this sinking feeling of "no, no, anything but this."

So I am at a loss. I am helpless in the face of the doctor's surety, her calm words of advice, her gentle "we'll get through this, I'll help you, and we'll find a rheumatologist who can help you, too." She considers the tests a formality, really, and I keep referring to the written notes that she gave me, to help me deal with the other illnesses she believes I have, that she believes are part and parcel of the lupus. "Keep your feet warm to help combat the Reynaud's," a recommendation for compression socks to help my circulation for the same illness. "Keep your hands warm and take 2 Aleve during the day to help with the rheumatoid arthritis symptoms."

I am not usually a person who does denial. I am usually the person who attacks problems head-on. "OK, this is what it is, how do we deal with it?"

But I cannot attack this one head-on. I want to run and hide from it. This is a whole new process for me, and I am praying that my denial will bear fruit- that somehow, the blood work will change the doctor's mind.

It is probably a futile hope, but it is all that I have.