Macarthur Refuses to Divulge Contents of Huge-Ass Pipe

(Washington, D.C.) General Douglas Macarthur, General of the United States Army, has refused to divulge information concerning the contents of his larger-than-normal pipe in front of a Congressional committee.

"Whatever the hell I put in my pipe is my own business," snarled the Commander of the Armed Forces in the Pacific Theater. Macarthur's pipe was confiscated by military police and its owner detained for questioning after suspicions arose as to what exactly the General was placing in the bowl. Macarthur made allegations in his defense that the investigation was a ploy by President Harry S. Truman to further discredit him after his removal from command. He is quoted as saying "I'd like to blow the son of a bitch off the map."

Lab tests have yet to confirm the chemical nature of residue found inside Macarthur's confiscated pipe. Speculations of the contents include marijuana, crack cocaine, tobacco, and jet technology. Bob Leeman of the Drug Enforcement Agency stated that "if Macarthur had crack in that thing, then he would have been dancing on the deck like it was a hot skillet. That's some heavy shit right there."

Macarthur's pipe has a measured capacity of eight fluid ounces, meaning that the five-star general and American war hero could have consumed copious amounts of narcotics virtually unbeknownst to those around him. Furthermore, the pipe has adequate storage space to house folded blueprints of United States nuclear technology, which Senator Joseph McCarthy (R-WI) alleges the General to have perpetrated. Even though no paperwork was found within the pipe at the time of its capture and no evidence can be brought forth to suggest Macarthur ever used the pipe for that purpose, McCarthy remains steadfast in his suspicions.

Macarthur has been given a provisional pipe roughly the size of a thimble for the duration of the investigation.