Macho, Macho Man.

I think one of the greatest disservices we can do to our men and to the boys we raise is to confuse macho-ness with manliness. Although I believe that the "complementarian" view of marriage (different genders, different roles, different responsibilities), I think too often a cultural idea of "manliness" gets laid on top of the Biblical view of manhood, and eventually the cultural smothers the Biblical, causing pain, broken hearts, and broken families. Somehow people associate the Macho with the Man, when they really have nothing to do with each other.

Macho:: characterized by machismo :aggressively virile

Machismo 1: a strong sense of masculine pride: an exaggerated masculinity
2: an exaggerated or exhilarating sense of power or strength

Definitions courtesy of Merriam-Webster Online.

Here's what the Bible requires of a man:

*Under the headship of Christ (Obedient to him, in other words) 1 Cor. 11:3

*Loving his wife sacrificially and unconditionally (Like Christ) and loving her "as his own body" (who hurts his own body?) Ephesians 5:24-30
*Under this heading of being like Christ, there is serving his wife, just as Jesus humbled himself and washed the filthy feet of his disciples

*Providing for his wife and family 1 Tim. 5:8

*To be unstained by anger or argumentativeness in their spiritual lives 1 Tim. 2:8

*Dealing righteously with the wife of his youth Malachi 2:15-16 (Interesting to note that this passage which is often used to explain that God hates divorce, also speaks to men very specifically telling them not to betray their wife and warning that God also hates a man who "covers himself with violence")

*Displaying the marks of the Spirit-filled Christian, which are found throughout the New Testament but which can be encapsulated in what are known as "the fruits of the Spirit": Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Now, look back at those dictionary definitions. Is there any similarity between "macho" and Biblical manhood?

A Real Man can be a camo-wearing hunter, Harley rider, weigh-lifter, sports-player, factory worker, truck driver, cowboy, and may come across looking "macho". However, a Real Man can also be a glasses-wearing computer programmer, paper-pusher, book-worm, classical musician, office manager, and may come across as a "nerd". The point isn't what they do for a living, for fun, or what they look like. It is how they relate to God and to their family and to the rest of the world. The cultural idea of a "macho" man is one who's concerned about his sexual prowess and his physical domination of those around him, wife, children, buddies, and strangers. A Biblical man may have physical strength and good looks, but his heart is concerned for the well-being of others and putting their needs ahead of his own.

Confusing the two has caused havoc in the Church and in the world. Many women have left the faith in anger and frustration because of the idea that Biblical manhood involves being overbearing and dominating. And many young women who consider themselves liberated and very much feminist suffer the consequences of a society that promotes predatory sexual behavior and a bizarre and unnatural ideal of beauty to attain in order to please and seduce a man. And this has been going on pretty much since the beginning, because humans have a tendancy to be sinful and selfish. There have always been truly good and Godly men, who follow the Biblical prescription for relating to their wife and children. And there have always been "macho" men who seek only to fill their own needs and stroke their own ego, even if it's to the detriment of women and children.

Even in 12th Century literature recognizes a difference between brutishness and Biblical manhood. From a book from that era on the beasts known to man, a little marital counseling makes a showing: "Lay aside, O Man, the pride of your heart and the harshness of your conduct when that diligent wife does hasten to you...You are not her lord, but her husband, nor have you chosen a female slave, but a wife. God wants you to be the director of the weaker sex (Aaahhh, OH NO! Sexism!!!!), but not by brute force.Return sympathy for her misfortunes, kindness for her love. Sometimes, where the viper is able to get rid of his poison (this counsel follows a section of the habits of the viper), you are not able to get rid of the heard-heartedness of your mind. Well, if you have a natural coldness, you ought to temper it out of respect fo the institution of marriage...." In other words, your wife is not your slave, you are not her master, you ought to be sympathetic, a good listener, tender-hearted, and warm...even if doing those things takes you out of your comfort zone.

Even if one takes a complementarian view, as I do, the Bible does not forbid a man from helping his wife, treating her well, serving her, and, I dare say, doing such things as washing dishes and changing poopy diapers if he sees that such service would be a blessing to her. Although the great Reformer Martin Luther has a reputation as a firebrand, and maybe even a bit of a crank, this is what he had to say on the subject of fatherhood:

"What then does Christian faith say to this? It opens its eyes, looks upon all these insignificant, distasteful, and despised duties in the Spirit, and is aware that they are all adorned with divine approval as with the costliest gold and jewels. It says, O God, because I am certain that thou hast created me as a man and hast from my body begotten this child, I also know for a certainty that it meets with thy perfect pleasure. I confess to thee that I am not worthy to rock the little babe or wash its diapers, or to be entrusted with the care of the child and its mother. How is it that I, without any merit, have come to this distinction of being certain that I am serving thy creature and thy most precious will? O how gladly will I do so, though the duties should be even more insignificant and despised. Neither frost nor heat, neither drudgery nor labor, will distress or dissuade me, for I am certain that it is thus pleasing in thy sight."

We who have boys should not raise them to avoid at all costs such things as sweeping, bed-making, dish-washing, and cooking. We should allow them the physical outlets they need, but also encourage them to enjoy learning and to relish quietly reading a good book. We should teach them to be strong and resiliant, but also to recognize when a situation calls for graciousness, tenderness, and loving-kindness. We should teach them above all that leading a family does not mean ruling with an iron fist, but gently directing the course with compassion and consideration for the whole family, and demonstrating servanthood at every opportunity. If we have a son who has a passion for some activity not deemed "macho" by the culture, we should not discourage him, but find a way for him to pursue that in an appropriate way. We should never allow them to be mocked or made to feel that they are effeminite because of those interests. Real men cook, real men write books, real men find beauty in nature, real men make art, real men may even have an eye for decor.

For the Christian, A Real Man is not characterised by machismo, but by how closely his life and character is modeled on the life of Christ.