Main Story: Autopsy Shows Anna Nicole Didn't Have a Chance

Anna Nicole Smith: Broward County Medical Examiner Dr. Joshua Perper told the Associated Press that autopsy reports reveal Anna Nicole Smith wouldn't have had much of a chance even if she had gotten to the hospital before dying. There was just too much wrong with her. Her death was essentially caused by a weird domino effect of medical mishaps. Cosmetic injections in her buttocks caused a bacterial infection and abscesses. Another injection ruptured an abscess which then released toxins into her bloodstream. That made it necessary for Anna Nicole to take powerful antibiotics. The autopsy showed she was also suffering from a viral intestinal infection and that she could have had the flu as well, and that she had enough prescription drugs in her to stock a small pharmacy: Weight-loss supplements, Valium, Tylenol, vitamin B-12, a human growth hormone and flu tablets. Perper said that overdosing on a sleep aid syrup was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Angelina Jolie: In March, Angelina Jolie adopted a young Vietnamese boy named Pax. But these things rarely come off without a hitch, especially when money is involved. Online sources say Pax's grandparents say his birth mother will be rocking the boat shortly because she wants money from Jolie. The woman who is scheduled to stalk Jolie for money is addicted to heroine, which is as good a reason as any to extort money from people.

Leonardo DiCaprio: The sexy star is set to play Jordan Belfort, a Long Island stockbroker who spent nearly two years in prison for not cooperating with authorities in a Wall Street corruption case. There was reported mob involvement, and the mob is always good on screen. It is a treatment of "The Wolf of Wall Street," which is Jordan Belfort's autobiography, and is due for publication in September. It is going to be a Martin Scorsese project. Meanwhile, Leonardo DiCaprio and Scorsese will get to work on "The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt" in a few months' time. DiCaprio is a busy, busy boy.

Doctor Who: Scottish actor David Tennant, who plays the current incarnation of Earth's favorite Timelord, the Doctor, has been voted by fans the most popular of all time. Long-running British science fiction television series, Doctor Who, features a man from a race of time travelers who can regenerate if otherwise mortally wounded. He's a bit like James Bond, in that at least 11 actors have portrayed him, including one movie incarnation which is not included in the "numbered" Doctors. The current Doctor, No. 10, is played by David Tennant, and was voted by readers of one of the fan mags to be the all-time favorite. The first runner-up by a narrow margin was Tom Baker, No. 4.

Britney Spears: On March 25, online sources report, Britney Spears went to see a dentist. No joke. She actually got into a vehicle of some type and had routine dental care. That very same day, she was also seen going to church and having lunch. Amazing. According to online reports, that dental visit was mistaken for...oh, death or something similar and set the blogosphere abuzz with bogus coverage. She's also been out dancing in new hats. Wonder what she's doing right now?

Prince Harry: Don't you love celebrities with no last names? This one's latest shenanigan, at the time of this writing, was to try to hit a photographer outside a popular nightclub March 24. He was drunk at the time, so it must have been fairly entertaining. Unfortunately, by the time you read this, the whole "latest shenanigan" comment will probably be very outdated. Natalie Pinkham was with him that night and has since denied both being involved with him and the prince's drunkenness. She delivered this lovely quote to Fametastic: "As far as I could see, Harry wasn't drunk. He just stumbled over."

Brad Pitt: Brad Pitt is reported by The Bosh to be feeling just a bit rejected because Angelina Jolie apparently has been keeping little Pax all to herself. Apparently there was a fight, with screaming and a threat to end the relationship if Jolie didn't return with Pax and let Pitt see him. Reports from National Ledger say that Jolie adopted Pax as a single parent because Vietnamese law doesn't allow unmarried couples to adopt. In spite of all the drama, however, the two are apparently still planning an Easter wedding in the Caribbean.

Eva Longoria: She's blonde now.

Paris Hilton: There is some speculation that Paris has a new boytoy. That would be Josh Henderson of Desperate Housewives. Apparently he frequently suffers from toplessness, to the delight of desperate television viewers. He was seen the weekend of March 24 leaving a club with her. (Ever notice celebrities are forever leaving clubs with each other? It's like they do it just to mess with us.) That same weekend, while Paris was boogieing down at Hugh Heffner's pre-birthday party her buddy Lindsay Lohan was out with Paris' ex, Stavros Niarchos. For the second night in a row. Keep your eyes peeled for a fight.

Carmen Electra: I have an English degree. Therefore, Carmen Electra's name has always creeped me out a little bit. Wow. That confession felt great. Now I can get on with things. These days, she's waxing all poetical about porn stars, insisting that they need a "good heart" to become great stars. That's why men the world over can be heard gasping, "Damn, what a great heart on that one." She's playing Candy the porn star in a movie called "I Want Candy." And people have been stopping her on the street to tell her, "You look a lot like Carmen Electra," without actually believing it's her. Apparently, they think she's much too short to be a celebrity.

Jessica Simpson: On March 27, Simpson gave a minivan to Casa Hogar Elim orphanage in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. She also loves her boyfriend John Mayer and is thinking about adoption.

Michael Jackson: I get a bit nervous if I don't know what Michael Jackson is up to. Right now he's building a giant robotic replica of himself. It's a prop for a possible show in Vegas, not the latest addition to Neverland. Still, I'll bet you didn't bat an eye just now, did you?