Maintaining Sanity in Casual Dating Relationships

By Pam Osbey

Casual dating relationships are often riddled with potholes of insecurity, games, and untruths. They can also be enlightening, fun, and exhilarating, if done correctly, honestly and with focus. Casual relationships don't have to be drama filled, negative or ugly. They can be very wonderful experiences if you decide to be honest about what you are looking for, using it to explore options, and understand it is a temporary vehicle to connect to others who want to spend time doing activities or attending social outings. Creating a way to maintain your sanity while dating casually can extend a way for you to be healthy and possibly present someone worthy of a long term relationship, if that is your goal at the end of the process.

From the outset of your search for a casual date, you need to ask yourself several questions. What do I want out of this situation and what am I bringing to the table? Evaluate within yourself what it is that you want to receive through these experiences before trying to connect with others through casual dates. It's not fair, if you don't have a clue on what you are wanting to get out of the process or what you are willing to bring into the experience itself.

Temporarily speaking, casual dates are great ways to evaluate potential partners and have fun while doing so. Inside your mind, you need to have realistic expectations for the experience itself. You need to know what you are looking for, what you want to receive, and also be willing to be flexible because this is a chance to meet someone. If you are coming into the experience with preconceived notions, you might be placing on your temporary dating partner with stress, and not allowing things to process on a natural level. Do yourself a favor, do not place unrealistic expectations on your partner. Understand that it is only a date, and be flexible.

Expectations can make or break your date before it has even started. If you are unwilling to be patient in this process, then it might not be something worth exploring. You should be flexible on the meeting and you should definitely be open to different meet ups, whether that's a coffee date, a chat and chew, dinner or other activities mutually agreed upon.

Before you have uttered a word, check your attitude at the door. Your date should not be subjected to a host of nasty attitude, words, or non verbal gestures which often can give a clue insecurites that lie deep within or an unwillingness to be open to meeting a new person. How can you enjoy the experience of a new friendship or connection if you are already forming in your mind, who they are, before they have presented themselves to you. Understand that what you really feel inside will impact your date in many ways, from how you hold a conversation, or react to a statement or a non verbal body clue that lets them know you aren't really enjoying the experience.

Challenge yourself to be open as much as possible. Do not compare this person to someone from your past. Be willing to start off fresh and allow that person to share with you, who they are now. If you are unwilling to be open, then you have placed a knife in the friendship before it has even started. If you are open, you can be approachable, funny, and outgoing, all qualities that are attractive. Your willingness to listen, be patient, and down to earth may get your way further than being limited by a list.

The dreaded list of qualities can be an insane way of approaching a new friendship. In dating, ask yourself would it be fair for someone to compare you against a pre-formatted list that seems great on paper but in reality may be the death of something fresh and new in your life. On paper your relationship qualities may seem great. However it might be unrealistic at best, especially if you are matching them up with qualities of a character you have seen in a movie or on the small screen. Is that fair? Probably not. Be willing to be flexible and approach this with openness, not being limited.

Limited mindsets in dating are insane because they cause others to not get that fair chance up front. Below are a few ways to maintain your sanity:

1. Be honest and open with your date about your needs. If you want a long term relationship, say that. If you want something more flexible, then say that. Do not blame the person if you haven't communicated what you want and need.
2. Simplicity is the key. Meeting at neutral places are often simple and don't require much. A coffee house date, often works best since you can actually talk with your date first. If decided you after that initial date, both of you can choose to eat out for dinner, visit to a museum or live music affair. This is a good way to continue building a new friendship after the first meeting. If the vibe is there, continue to let it flourish.
3. Check your attitude. There should not be an attitude at all. Enjoy this person, really get to know them up front and personal and be approachable. You cannot be approachable if your attitude is nasty or you are only dating them because you feel lonely.
4. Show that confidence! Smile a lot, listen to what they have to say, answer questions and show your personality. Let your personality speak for the beautiful, strong, intelligent person you are. If you have lack of self worth or self esteem you should not be on the date. You should not be wasting anyone's time with going out if you have no confidence. Ask yourself would you date you with lack of confidence. The answer probably would be no.
5. If it's casual, it's casual. This person is not your boyfriend or long term mate (yet), thus do not have expectations of qualities of a boyfriend thrust upon him. Plant the seed of patience in dating on a casual level. If you don't want a casual situation, and want something long term, do yourself and your new date a favor, date someone else. If you are unsure of what casual means, ask him what he considers a casual relationship. Make sure you're on the same page.
6. Adhere to some boundaries. You and your new date (friend) should create some boundaries on which to work from to ensure you don't grate each other's nerves. What boundaries work best for you and your friend? Does he only like to be contacted once a month? Do you work twelve hour shifts and need him to call during the day, instead of at night? Are you strictly platonic friends who like to hang out but there's no romance? If so, then you shouldn't be catching an attitude if you go out with him and he's flirting with another woman? However if you and him both agreed that you want to pursue something more long term, then certain agreed things may be different. You need to communicate and be clear about your boundaries so both of you feel at ease and cool with the progression the situation.
7. To text or not to text. If you don't like receiving text messages, let him know that. If you are more a phone person who likes to talk, than text, let him know that. If you receive text messages and don't respond to him it is rude not to say what you feel and disregard the messages. Be respectful, and let him know what works for you. Along that same lines, be careful in dating situations where your new friend may want a new sexy text of you. If you don't want anyone to see that picture, do not send that sexy text (sext).
8. Single or not? Do not assume you know this person's status up front. Ask and dilute the truth in this matter. Single means different things to many different people. Ask if he is single and what that means to him. Is he married or separated? Divorced? Living with someone but seeking an opportunity to see if something else is better on the green side of life? You better find out. The last thing you want is to interrupt his current relationship. You definitely don't want to be in a situation that would put you on the defensive because he wasn't up front with his status. Don't feel you are being too nosy by asking. You deserve to know the truth. Like they say the true really does make you free.

All in all, if you choose to be honest, open, and have some boundaries, a new relationship that is formed from casually dating can be productive, fun, and engaging! Simply, put your best foot forward by being open, allowing your date to be fully accepted by you, in this new connection. Understand, it doesn't have to be about games, and hurt feelings if you consider all the possibilities, and if you are considerate and kind to each other. Allowing yourself to match up new friendships with a clean slate is great in terms of creating an opportunity for down to earth person to compliment your life, not complicate it. Be a gift to this person, not a dagger that will drain their heart or life space. Enjoy the process, and make it yours!