Make Your Marriage Successful

I am by no means a marriage expert. My husband and I have been through some rough times and we have learned valuable lessons throughout our thirteen years together. Below are ten tips that we have found to be important to our relationship.

1) Never threaten divorce or leaving. We decided before our wedding that we would never threaten each other with divorce or leaving. Words can cut deep wounds and each time you threaten divorce that wound grows until eventually the wound can not be healed. Decide in your mind (and discuss with your spouse) that your marriage is forever, til death do you part.

2) Share the discipling of children. I never say, "Just wait till your dad gets home. You will be in trouble." That is not fair to my husband or the child that requires discipline. Deal with the discipline, but remember to share the problem and solution with your spouse.

3) Don't argue over money. Money is a major stress issue in many marriages. Whole marriages have collapsed over disagreements on money. Decide who will be the bookkeeper and set a budget. My husband makes 90% of our income, but I am the bookkeeper. All receipts are turned over to me at the end of the night so that I can enter then into the checkbook and be sure our balance stays positive. We NEVER spend more than $100 without first being sure that the other is ok with the purchase. Each spouse should have a certain amount to spend each month that does not have to be accounted for to the other, a sort of allowance. Just this little bit of freedom helps each spouse feel like they are not being "babysat".

4) Never go to bed angry at each other and always try to go to bed at the same time. I think this is one of the most important tips I can give anyone who is in a relationship. Clear the air before going to sleep, maybe you are to tired to hash out the whole disagreement, but just an 'I'm sorry babe and I love you. Let's figure this out tommorrow.' We try to go to bed at the same time every night, it is a time for us to recap our days or mention something we forgot to discuss.

5) Give your spouse down time. I learned many years ago that my husband needs about thirty minutes to chill when he first gets home from work. When he walks through the door we give each other a kiss and hug and discuss how our days went. Hubby then disappears for about thirty minutes to shower, play a video game, computer game, make a phone call, etc. When I call him down for dinner he knows his "cave time" as we call it is over. At dinner we vent about our days, discuss any parenting issues that need to be taken care of, and by the end of the dinner everyone has worked through their issues and we enjoy the rest of our evening (hopefully) stress free.

6) Don't put down each others family, or each other. Your marriage has brought together two different upbringings and many different personalities. Words can hurt, especially when they are about someone we dearly love. Keep your opinions about your spouses family should be limited only to praise and admiration. If the in-laws do very little that can be praised that is ok. Find the one little thing that was good about the horrible family dinner and let your spouse know. We went to one dinner that turned sour quickly, by the end of the night I was seething. Before leaving that evening I made sure to hug the in-law and compliment them on the mash potatoes. I love mash potatoes and it was about the only thing about the whole dinner that was even remotely enjoyable. The in-laws attitude immediately changed and a smile spread. I found out later that after we left she apoligized to those relatives that had not yet left and that everyone ended up staying and chatting for another hour. Don't make yourself the bad guy or say something that could come back to bite you and life will be easier for you.

Now to your spouse, men can deal with almost anything that comes their way if they know they have your support. If your husband makes a huge mistake, don't put him down. Give him a hug and remind him that you love him. Soon, he will be coming to you for advice before making some decisions and together you can decide which way to go. Show your husband respect and in return he will show you love. Name calling is for school children, chose respect and admiration instead.

7) Keep your marriage sacred. By sacred I mean that certain things should not de discussed with anyone but your spouse. Sex, health conditions, marriage problems, etc. Should all be kept private. I used to work with a woman who openly complained about how bad the sex was with her husband, the zit on his butt, and on and on. I was not at all surprised when she announced that she was getting a divorce. Men should talk about their wives like they are the most precious, beautiful, ladylike, goddess on earth and women should brag about how kind, masculine, knowledgeable, and handsome. No one should ever hear you say a bad word about your spouse, to the rest of the world your spouse should be the perfect mate.

8) Sex is important. Men have a physical and emotional connection with sex. For men sex is not about love it is about a physical release and being a man. Your man should feel like he is a sex god. If he is not good in bed, give him some directions. Let him know what you like and be sure to return the favor.

9) Share hobbies. Find something to do together and make a regular date to enjoy your hobby. My husband and I geocache which is a fun sport/hobby that our son can also enjoy. Almost as important as sharing a hobby is also having individual hobbies. No matter how much you love some, there are always times when you will need a moment away from your spouse.

10) Create happy memories. My husband enjoys when I write a little note and put it in with his lunch. It's nothing original, but it gives him a little pick me up. I enjoy when my husband calls for no reason during the middle of the day, but to ask if my day is going alright. Find little things to do for each other and do them on a regular basis.