Making Alfredo Sauce and How Fellow Inmates Helped Me Snub the Grocer

We admit we were spoiled. We could buy Alfredo sauce whenever we went to our local supermarket.

We never gave it a second thought. You might say we even took conveniently packed Alfredo for granted.

Until it was gone. That's when I grabbed the dairy clerk by the neck and squeezed until his face turned blue.

"WHERE'S MY ALFREDO?!?" I screamed. "I CAN'T HAVE FETTUCCINE ALFREDO WITHOUT ALFREDO!"

He didn't answer. I thought it might be because I was screaming an inch from his nose, so I changed strategies and repeated myself - this time in his ear.

About an hour later, waiting for my better half to post bail, I explained the situation to my rather hairy new friends, Bubba and Angry Stan. While they didn't overtly fault me for how I treated the guy in the dairy isle, they did suggest I see someone about my apparent chemical imbalance. They also told me I could actually make Alfredo sauce at home. They even said that it would be better than the stuff I had been buying.

I blew off their mental hygiene suggestions because you don't get the name "Angry Stan" for being Zen. I did, however, listen to their Alfredo recipes while I weighed whether or not I was close enough to sucker punch Bubba. They had two variations, but I was able to figure out the bare minimum you need to make decent home made Alfredo :

6-8 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 cup heavy cream
1 1/2 cups grated Parmigiano-Reggiano
1/2 teaspoon salt

Really! That's all that goes into your basic Alfredo sauce!

It was such an epiphany I just had to follow through on sucker punching Bubba. I was about ready to force Angry Stan's face against the bars and rub it back and forth like I was grating cheese when he said, "Wait! You don't know how to prepare it! If I tell you how to prepare it, will you calm down?"

I grunted. That's holding cell speak for "yeah - for now."

Angry Stan explained that the cheese should be as finely grated as possible. It's easier to mix in that way, he said. Angry Stan explained: "Melt the butter in a small sauce pan, then add the cream. When that almost comes to boil, reduce the heat and stir in the cheese. Keep stirring until all of the cheese is melted. Then add the salt. In just a few minutes, you've got yourself some great Alfredo sauce."

"You're a wise one, Angry Stan," I said. "You will live to see another day."

Bubba stirred. "What about me?" he asked. "I helped provide you with the recipe."

I looked at him unfavorably.

"What if I tell you how to alter and add to the recipe based on your taste?"

I was skeptical. After all, how much can you trust a fellow inmate who you've just sucker punched?

I grunted again, this time in the key of "C." That's holding cell speak for both "tell me how to alter the recipe" and "that shirt really brings out your eyes." Given the context of our conversation, I was sure Bubba knew which direction to take.

"This old thing? Why I just threw it on," he said, proving me wrong.

I glared at him.

"Oh," he said. "The other thing. Well, if you're trying to eat light, you can use light cream instead of heavy cream. A pinch or two of pepper also gives the Alfredo more taste. Personally, I also enjoy mincing up a shallot and tossing it in. Of course, seafood like shrimp or clams can give it another dimension altogether."

I gave an extended grunt, thereby notifying Bubba that I would not rip his spleen out, while simultaneously expressing gratitude for the lesson in making Alfredo. I knew from this point on, I would no longer be held hostage to my local grocer.