Making a Long Distance Marriage Work

Some people say "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and others say "out of sight, out of mind." It's really up to you to decide which way you want it to go. For ten years my marriage was of the long distance variety and although it wasn't always easy, we managed to get through it. My husband worked as a surveyor in the construction industry and he was home maybe 4 or 5 days a month. It felt like I was single parent - without the financial difficulty - but a single parent nonetheless. Not having any emotional support or someone to talk to can be hard and that's when some women start to look to men nearby.

Over the years, I heard many of the other wives complain about the situation but none of them ever seemed willing to do anything about it. They seemed to forget that their men weren't going out of town because they enjoyed it; they were doing it to support their families. My husband told me about many co-workers who went home for the weekend only to find nothing left. The wife had taken the children, cleaned out the house and the bank account. Then the guy would have to go back to working the same 7 days a week, 16 hours days to pay the child support and/or alimony payments! I saw first hand how bitter and distrustful of women these men became which was a shame since many of them had been the nicest guys you could imagine.

When the kids are driving you crazy, the gutters need cleaning or the dishwasher breaks down and there's no one to help you with all the crap life can throw at you, it's hard not to get frustrated or angry . The next time you feel like exploding, try to remember the man who loves you is in the boondocks somewhere with a bunch of sweaty, dirty men working hard to give you and the kids a nice place to live and he'd much rather be home with you.

One Valentine's Day, my husband told me it had been someone's bright idea at one of the refinery camps to decorate the dining hall with hearts and cupids. All it did was make the men feel even more depressed that they weren't with their wives or girlfriends and they all looked very unhappy as they ate their dinner. So don't imagine that he's not thinking of you. He is. Or he wouldn't be there trying to give you all the things you want or need.

It's also important to remember this when he does come home for those precious few days. Don't jump all over him with your problems or have him clean out the garage the minute he walks in the door. My husband would much rather I hire someone to clean out the gutters, leaving more time for enjoyable activities (it's not like you don't have the money - spend a little of it to ensure you don't end up fighting over petty things). And definitely talk to him about the problems you're having, but do it calmly. Maybe after the kids have gone to bed and you're relaxed. That way it won't seem like you're blaming him for it and the two of you can figure something out.

Not all long distance marriages need to end up in divorce. If things are getting too hard to handle it's time to make some changes. After ten years, we'd finally had enough of it ourselves and my husband was tired of working in minus forty degree winters and both of us were tired of the long lonely nights. We decided to move to the U.S. where he'd be home every night. I researched which states would accept his union travel card and wrote letters to find out if there was any work to be had and then we took a trip down to Oregon to see if we liked what we saw. It took a couple of years to work it all out but we made the move. We lost a lot of money just crossing the border because of the dollar exchange and we did have to take a drop in our quality of living for a little while but all in all it was a good choice. It's not a choice everyone would or could make but it was an option for us and we took it. Now my husband is home every night, the winters are much easier and we actually have time to do things together.

So, the next time you feel like you just want to throw in the towel, try to look at things from his point of view and talk to him (don't yell). You can work it out.