Mammograms, as Much Fun as a --

Let's face it, aside from giving birth, a kidney stone, or a painful disease there isn't much you can equate a mammogram with... a root canal feels better. ( at least they give you novocaine.) And today is my annual mammogram. Whoop! I can't wait to get there so much I've rescheduled three times.

I don't know about you but, I have lumps, ever changing lumps( which might be why the mammogram hurts so much) and have had since I was in my early thirties. It has a nasty little name called, cystic breasts. So without a mammogram I can't tell squat, about whether I have a lump or a cyst. You can't tell that I have lumps, it's not like they show on the outside of my otherwise cute sisters. But they are there. They get large, they get small, and they move and grow and shrink and change from hard to soft in a wink. So I must get this mammogram to rule out breast cancer.

Every time I have an appointment which might bring up the 'C' word- I, recognizing my mortality and the fact that 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer start doing the math. It's enough to make you think and think I do. Should I revise my will? What if it's stage one? Of course I'll fight if it's stage one or two, but will I, can I, fight stage three or four?

Morbid thoughts cross my mind, I wonder if Make a Wish Foundation would give me new breasts and a face lift too, and a trip to Hawaii with- oh say ten or so of my closest and dearest friends and family. I wonder what I'll look like without a breast or two. I wonder if my recent pap smear combined with the mammogram will give me thirty days to live.

I can really get my head going complete with eulogy, tears, broken hearted ex's, friends that should have visited me sooner. I can even make myself cry just at the thought of my early demise. Poor me, I was so young.

Hey, I think all my friends from out of town should come see me now. And what about the book I'm writing, can I finish it in time?

Morbid, I tell ya! Just plain morbid...

And I haven't even gone for the test yet. Last time I had to go back three times for them to rule that I was fit as a fiddle. Will that happen again? Oh the Anguish.

And yet, mammograms are life saving. And I'd tell my daughter or friend to go get one in a heartbeat; though I do wonder if the device has to be as torturous as it is or if some sadist dreamed it up. Oh come on, you think that as well- while your boobies are being squished to the size of an Aunt Jemima Pancake. No, make that a crepe; Aunt Jemima is just too light and fluffy.

And what's with the pink paper half gown? Okay first you are supposed to where it with the front open, then they ask you to remove one arm from it while they take a picture of breast one. Then they say, put your arm back in and expose breast two; as if this somehow makes it more modest. I mean the clinician is going to see both your breasts. What's the difference if she/he sees them at the same time? In fact, what is the whole point of the pink paper gown in the first place? Go 'Green' and take your shirt off in the room where you are having the mammogram done. I think next time I will request this. I mean what's the point of wasting a perfectly good piece of paper.

So during the test

I quipped, with the clinician; as it was a very hot day, "I hope I don't stink, your office told me not to wear deodorant or perfumes." She laughed and said she was used to it and it went with the territory. She didn't say whether I stunk or not which- was the whole point of the exercise.

You know, Breast Cancer is a very serious subject and so are getting regular check-ups but no matter the outcome, we must laugh. For laughter is the best medicine- that and whole boat load of morphine, which I plan to take full advantage of should the occasion arise.

On second thought regarding the pink paper gown- perhaps I could repurpose it into gift wrapping liner; that is if it's not too stinky.

This article is dedicated to Theresa Wiza; Surviving Breast Cancer, Writer Extraordinare. To Visit her Journey with all it's ups and downs go to: Diagnosis Breast Cancer- Part l, Part ll, Part lll, Part IV- Belonging to a Club I Never Wanted to Join.Are All Breast Cancers the Same?Thankful for Cancer - Thankful for You - But don't forget to read her other great articles- She's fun, smart and witty!